so long; that's the way it goes in 2018

9:41pm

I have a collection of drafts sitting around and I don’t even know how I ended up with so many! I guess I thought it would be a good idea to leave bullets and/or notes but maybe not. Apparently I just leave them there, forget, and never get back to it.

Oh well. I want to write a quick little thing right now and then move on/forward.

I think I’ll leave this private, maybe. I haven’t decided yet. I’m a little embarrassed I’m still talking about all this. Honestly, I’m a tiny bit horrified. Like almost a year and a half since it all imploded and I’m still basically obsessed with it. It consumes my every day thoughts. It’s no where near as bad as it once was, but I still think about him every morning and every night. Most things remind me of him. Little things. Random things. Stuff that shouldn’t even be attached to a memory of him, but it is.

It shouldn’t be like that, right? After all this time. I feel crazy, and stupid. I feel like I’m the only one in the world that’s like this.

In my very logical and rational brain I 99.99% know that I feel all these things about the idea of him. It’s not actually about him. I don’t know him well enough. I didn’t even spend that much time with him. It’s all about the fantasy. What I thought it could be. What I wanted it to be. The little moments where he accidentally let me see inside his soul and I caught him in all his vulnerabilities. Those are the parts of him that I’m hooked on. That I refuse to let go of. Because it’s definitely me refusing to let go. There’s nothing else keeping this going. All the signs are just me reading too much into coincidences. It’s not serendipity. There is no serendipity.

I want to add more details to this but I’m tired. I guess I could always come back here and add things later when my brain is better at functioning.

Long story short: I’ve decided I really definitely need to move on from this. There’s no other reason to hold on except my own damn stubbornness.

This was decided yesterday after a long afternoon of drinking, and pity parties, and crying because I miss “him”. It’s so stupid. I’m done. I’m moving forward. I need to trust that God has a plan and I’ll be alright, no matter what. Clearly I’m really bad at the ‘trust’ thing. =\

I need to do this though. It’s time. I don’t need an outside influence. I don’t need to wait until someone else walks through the door to convince me. I need to take care of myself and focus on my own stuff for a while. I know I have the discipline for it. I just need to be ready to stick with it. Once my mind’s made up, there’s no going back.

Part of me feels like I need to combine this with trying to lose weight and/or cut back on the drinking. I need to have control over something and I’m feeling really out of control with my own life right now. This probably goes towards the whole ‘trust’ thing huh? Whatever. I need to get better. I’m tired of being sad and angry. Life’s not fair. There’s nothing I can do about that.

He’s been popping up all over my fb again recently and I wanted to think it meant something but it definitely does not. Anyway, after I made this for sure decision last night I was going to wait until today to make any changes. Just as I was getting ready for bed I decided I better do things right then and there before I lost my nerve. So I pulled up my fb and scrolled through the feed until I saw him as a suggested friend [twice in the same news feed even though those things almost never show up there…] along with his brother and made sure I removed any trace. I filed his emails away the other day so those are gone too. I’ve gotten rid of any tiny triggers that were around and I hope that’ll help. Out of sight; out of mind. Right?

I’m trying to get things wrapped up with his brother too. I emailed him this morning and asked if he was able to send the form I needed. I told him I’d be in on Monday but wanted to have it all ready to go that day before I leave town again. Partly because he’s on a deadline, that’s over, and partly because I want to put that whole thing to bed already. I’m only supposed to see them like once a year. His brother’s thing is basically done [at least we aren’t going to mess with it anymore it seems] and so he should be down to once a year too [unlike pretty much every year since we met him..]. It doesn’t make sense that this dude would end up in this situation this year all randomly, but that’s just my luck. One ended and this one took his place. So I want to put it away and move on. It’s too much of a reminder. Way too much!
[He never responded and no calls at the office either but I hope to move on soon]

I want it all gone. That’s the only way I can do this.
It’s gonna be like cutting carbs out of my life - it’s gonna suck and make me feel terrible at first, but I’ll get used to it and come out 10x better!

It’s time. Once and for all.

rose.
11:01pm