Og drikke in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
- July 5, 2018, 5:50 p.m.
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- Public
The following was written in a format that did not include italics, bold, or underline. Should this cause confusion, please ask. :)
Hope everyone had a good 4th of July! Mine was okay. On Tuesday, I drove from Current Location to Gym, worked out, then went to Wife’s place. Wife was… very into watching Expanse Season 3. So… I just sat on the couch and finished the bottle of Whiskey. Resulting in me not knowing what happened after about 11 p.m. Nothing really happened. Wife said I was just, “Grumpy drunk.” All in all… makes a lot of sense. I slept in on the 4th, then went to my parents. All in all… relaxed and fun. It is funny how little I have to worry about now. I mean… I’m a bit stressed about work… after all… CA has 20 years legal experience and ZERO years of prosecution work… whereas I can fake it at Prosecution until I actually need to file stuff… so yeah, I’m worried about work. But that’s it. My list of worries being “my job” and just… stopping there? I like it.
This morning, I got in my car and started the long drive to work. It isn’t as bad as the “long drive” to and from Des Moines but… about half of that. Though, for reasons I am only guessing at, on the drive I was suddenly overcome with thoughts of Aoife. Just… my mind awash in it. I could smell her, I could taste her, she filled my head like a total sensory experience! It was bizarre. About twenty miles later, Aku leapt to mind. Not with the same sense-stimulation… but the image popped into my head attached to a pleasant thought. Typically… thoughts of Aku prompt fear and pain… so the pleasant thought was weird and different. Assuming these seemingly disconnected thoughts are not disconnected… I know what it means.
You see… having my own place? Sleeping how and when I want… playing video games when I want… not being required to live by Wife’s rules and neurosis… just being able to be me and live life my way? That appeals to me. Yeah, my life might seem boring in that way but… wake at 6, shower and eat, drive to work, work, drive home, eat, video games, sleep..... that’s good enough for me. There’s only one thing missing… and it was something missing from my marriage, too. The thing that most easily and obviously connects Aoife and Aku. In my life, three women have ever handled my sexual organ. Wife, Aoife, and Aku. Wife’s experiences are less “fun, exhilarating, and memorable.” Aoife’s always were. Aku’s? Some were fun, some were terrifying… but yes, always memorable. And I’m wondering… guessing… assuming… that my morning memories relate to that. Kind of a “hey, I know you’re enjoying how things are but there is one thing that would be nice if we could include somehow.” And I think (in response) “Of course that would be nice, but clear off!”
Then later, I was discussing dogs with someone in the office. My brother’s breed of choice is Great Pyrenees and it turns out that our Victim Impact Coordinator also has Great Pyrs. I opened my picture gallery in my phone to look for a good pic to show how friggin huge my brother’s dog is and… when I opened it… I was greeted by the 15 pictures that Raven had sent me. I recently dropped her a line to see how she was doing. Haven’t heard back. Kind of… as expected, I guess. I mean… obviously I’m not going to hear back. I was a distraction, a digital dalliance to flirt with online until she grew bored. I get it.
But it was nice to have as brief as it was and as immoral as it may have been. Because… I do have to say… the only thing I really feel that is just totally missing from my life is found in the Aoife/Aku/Raven umbrella. I don’t know if that makes me simple or stereotypical or bad or what. But yeah. I want to be able to focus on my worries and problems at work, relax at home, and everyone once in a while feel like a woman would want to flirt with me or engage in some physically stimulating person-to-person touch. And I don’t want to hear, “Well, what are you doing to make yourself more the kind of person a woman would want to touch?” I’m working out, I’ve secured full time employment… I’m trying to remind myself that I’m not actually a monster. But even monsters have people willing to kiss them, make out with them, and more. Perhaps that’s always been one of my problems? I see people trying to hurt others… I prosecute people that torture children (active case)… and they are in relationships. It was one of the things my brother and college associates used to say to me. “Charles Manson gets proposals. Scott Peterson’s victim was his pregnant wife. The date rape guy is still pulling successfully! So what’s your issue?” It would be fair to say that has probably stuck with me far too much. And blended in with everything else. Aoife had serious mental health issues; Aku was even worse. Wife touches me out of pity or occasionally obligation and always only when drunk. So… yeah. What is my issue? Why is it that way?
Bah. I got all… mopey. And here I was enjoying the faux bachelor existence for a minute. Though, part of me feels like I shouldn’t apologize. Apparently, touch is supposed to be a part of the human experience.
Why We All Need to Touch and Be Touched by Sharon K. Farber, Ph.D.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mind-body-connection/201309/why-we-all-need-touch-and-be-touched
What Lack of Affection Can Do to You by Kory Floyd, Ph.D.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/affectionado/201308/what-lack-affection-can-do-you
5 Reasons You Need Physical Touch Daily (From Power of Positivity)
https://www.powerofpositivity.com/5-reasons-need-physical-touch-every-day/
11 Things You Need to Know Before You Date Someone Whose Love Language is “Touch” by Chrissy Stockton
https://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2016/04/11-things-you-need-to-know-before-you-date-someone-whos-love-language-is-touch/
How A Lack of Touch is Destroying Men by Mark Greene
https://upliftconnect.com/how-lack-touch-destroying-men/
Some of those articles are really good reads and should certainly be considered.
caramelchicken ⋅ July 05, 2018
I think you're doing really well with moving, starting a new job and working on your fitness despite all the stress you've been through and your ongoing pain/health issues! :) It sounds like you do want to split from Wife or at least be able to seek physical affection from other women? It can be hard to find people to have that with, but remember you've had exceptional circumstances in your life of having been with Wife for so long and not having had the opportunity or confidence before being with her to have had more healthy experiences. Please don't compare yourself with less than stellar men! Your numerous good qualities will attract the right kind of women if you keep working on yourself the way you have been and put yourself in situations where you have the opportunity to meet people :) I would just say that if you do decide to try to see other women, try to have enjoyable experiences without getting into anything too serious. What do you think you'll do?
Park Row Fallout caramelchicken ⋅ July 05, 2018
Thank you for the kind words! They are greatly appreciated. As to what do I think I'll do? Well... I've never been very good at answering that question. I think for now... focus on work and trying to lose more weight. I doubt very much that I'll just "luck into" someone, though, so... I'm not too far away from honestly needing to make some hard decisions soon.
caramelchicken ⋅ July 05, 2018
One thing I've had to work through is the grief of not having had 'normal' experiences with people when I was younger, but there's no such thing as normal anyway and it's all about what's right for you now. There's no race, just enjoying experiences when they happen. I would also say it would probably be easy for you to fall for a woman who treats you more kindly than Wife. But there's plenty of nice healthy respectful women out there, just like I've learned it's not a one in a million occurrence for a man to be nice and respectful!
Always Laughing ⋅ July 05, 2018
Sounds like you'll be thinking a lot about your marriage and whether you'll stay in it.
Perpetually Plump ⋅ July 06, 2018
Coach Corey Wayne's "How to be a 3% Man" is a surprisingly good read. Keep some grains of salt handy, but it's actually legit advice and insight. He talks a lot about alpha vs beta males, and I totally buy into those theories. I am an alpha female, and if a dude wants to be with me, he's going to have to be a total badass to even try to compete for what I've got. And my boyfriend is, consequently, a total badass.
I read the article on what to know before dating someone whose love language is touch. It's all pretty accurate, in my opinion. It's the little things. Boyfriend and I were at a 4th of July party, and he walked behind me at one point and ran his hand across my lower back and kept walking. We didn't exchange words. We didn't look at each other. We didn't miss a beat on what else we were doing. But that caress was him acknowledging me and our relationship and caring. And our after sex touching is so fucking good. We have sex and then spend ages just touching and cuddling and kissing and doing aftercare that is simply mind bogglingly restorative. I've never been with someone who fulfilled the touch need the way boyfriend does.
Comfortably Numb ⋅ July 09, 2018
"Sleeping how and when I want… not being required to live by Wife’s rules and neurosis… just being able to be me and live life my way? That appeals to me. Yeah, my life might seem boring in that way.... that’s good enough for me."
Can totally relate to this. When I picture life without my spouse- THAT'S what I see, just the freedom to just be peaceful and take care of myself for a change. When your whole life is dictated by someone else, little things like a nap when you feel like it or making whatever food YOU want for lunch is a huge thing.