energy clear in 2018

9:35pm

Let’s talk about random things that probably don’t matter much in life but I would, for some strange reason, like to record anyway.

I have a lot of energy today. Not sure why. It’s nice though. Nice to be able to move and have the desire to get things done. I don’t have that very often these days. I don’t know if it was the day’s work that contributed or what. I had a slowish start once I got to the office but after I checked my emails I started rolling and didn’t stop.

Perhaps it’s the fact that I’m only home for like a week before I’m leaving again. I don’t really have time to procrastinate. hah. We went shopping yesterday and luckily for me I happened to scroll through a to-do note while I was waiting in the parking lot. My passport pictures! It expires next week so I’m glad I remembered. There’s no where local that does them. I would have had to make a special trip at least an hour away to get it done. Yay luck! And even though I look terrible in the picture I at least got it taken care of today. Already had all the paperwork just needed picture/check and to mail it. I guess that created a chain reaction and I didn’t stop moving until about 7pm when we finally left. I even left one program running because I was too hungry to wait any more.

Got home, changed, mixed up some leftovers into new burritos, cleaned the kitchen and got settled all within about a half hour. I love nights like that!

I’m back from KC by the way. haha. I have an entry with some travel notes started but we all know I have a horrible track record with those things so I can’t promise it’ll ever get done. There’s a draft sitting in there from my Cancun trip last October if that’s any indication.

The client and I have been texting quite a bit lately. Not that we didn’t before, but it’s been particularly friendly I guess. Lots of jokes. Did I mention that he came to my house?? That was like 2+ weeks ago. I’ll have to go back and check and maybe write something up about it. Basically he brought me cake and we ended up sitting in the courtyard for 2 hours talking. What was that I said about worrying I would be bored with him in person and have nothing to talk about??? =\ Apparently it was enough for two hours and might have gone on longer but I was tired and it was a work night. I didn’t even realize that much time had gone by so clearly there weren’t any problems.

There have been more suggestions about hanging out and stuff and I’m probably feeling comfortable with that now. Yesterday we were talking about watching Jurassic World together and then a movie marathon. We’re both a bit busy though so he ended up saying that if he let me borrow the last Jurassic World I had to go to the new one with him. I agreed but said I didn’t know when we could get together. I’m still half-avoiding you see.

Today we joked about dinner and being invited over and he told me to stop by. He’d asked if I was at work around 5pm but I didn’t see the text until I got out. I think he wanted to stop by but didn’t. A little bit ago he told me to go over to play crash bandicoot. haha. No. He goes to bed at like 10:30.

What I don’t get is the whole girlfriend thing. Like does he have one? Why does he keep trying to hang out? Is he really totally cool with just being friends? I guess I’m so traumatized by the way men have acted around me lately that I don’t know how to tell when it’s ok anymore. And I want to hang out with him. I enjoy having him as a friend! But I don’t want him to think there’s any thing more there. I don’t want to lead him on or for him to misinterpret it. I don’t necessarily think he will, but I still worry.

That’s always been my thing. I hate leading people on. I’ve always been so cautious about it. I guess maybe because I’d hate for a man to do that to me so I try so hard to make sure I’m straightforward and clear and there are no awkward moments.

We’ll see though. I do want to hang. I need to make/keep friends. I think internally I’m just so worried there will be that one moment between us that we can’t come back from. Like that one moment that makes every thing awkward and strange. It’s happened to me more than once and it was never the same after that moment. I don’t want that to happen with him…

In news about the man that I can never stop mentioning: Saturday I spent the day resting and relaxing on the couch. It was a long travel/work week so I needed to recover.
Anyway, near the end of the day I was poking around catching up on fb and some how ended up coming across something that he was tagged in. I don’t even know what it was any more but I remember thinking it was weird to see his name since his account had disappeared. I’m sure it was something of his sister’s. So I looked through my notifications [on my phone maybe?] and saw that the friend suggestion was listed there. [Did I write about that? How when I was in Laughlin it popped up that I had a “new friend suggestion” which was something I’d never seen and has not reoccurred with anyone else!!] It had been showing K’s husband for a while since the account was gone. But it was back now. And when I went to look at a pic I know for sure he was tagged in before there he was again. hmm…ok…random as always.

Then yesterday I pop into the office to print a coupon [yay money saving!] and I’m dreading all the messages on the answering machine. I go to check while the computer is starting and only 3. Ok cool. First some sales guy, then it starts reading out a number I seem to recognize and sure enough it’s Lucas. Of course. If it’s not one it’s the other.

I’m trying to make this story short but yeah. I called Lucas back today and we talked work stuff. He has the paper we need, looked for us last week, etc. I apologized for being gone, tried to suggest alternatives for getting it to me, be there next Monday, etc.
The real thing is that he sounded so damn sad. Like depressed, or stressed, or a combination of the above. He wasn’t joking. He didn’t sing my name. Nothing. I have this savior complex right? And I’m super empathetic so I feel other people’s emotions and that one really hit me. I don’t even know why. They’re nothing to me. He’s nothing to me. But it hurt me a bit to hear him like that. I want to fix him, or comfort him, or make things better.

I totally get that that’s not on me, but I still felt that way after I hung up. Poor guy. =(

Then a little while ago, before I started this entry, I was on fb and I click on the friend suggestion and guess who’s at the top again? Yup. Both him and his brother on that list. The same day that I got onto my email at work and finally moved all the inbox messages over to his own folder so I wouldn’t see them every time I clicked. I’m tired of being reminded of how dumb I am.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say for now. I’m sure there were other things but I’m tired and wanting to move on.

rose.
11:09pm

*edit: the client just sent me a text regarding why he was up so late - “lol yeah… I like talking to you” then he said good night and I didn’t respond. I was going to say something sarcastic and funny but damnit…I think he’s getting too close! -_- time to run I guess....

Last updated July 03, 2018