Where is the breaking point? in Therapy

God everything just seems to be getting worse and worse. I keep thinking about how much better I was doing and how the last couple of years were totally unexpected in the best way. I had hope that I was through with depression and all I had to do was keep on coping with my anxiety.
But here we are. I fantasized about overdosing on cough syrup the other day. I don’t know if I was ever suicidal; there were definitely times that I didn’t want to exist or that I shouldn’t have ever came to exist. I couldn’t envision myself as an adult, I couldn’t see myself as happy. I thought about it, but I just felt like I would simply expire after 16. I feel too much yet nothing at all and I just want to float. I want to disappear.
Like it messes with my head of course. But like it manifests as a terrible headache. Like it physically hurts. Although I suppose a headache that lasts for days is a migraine?
I don’t take pain meds. Or any meds. Like literally the only medication I’ve taken are fish oil supplements, herbal tinctures, cough drops, and liquid cough medicine once as a child. Most of it is my mom but now that I’m older she’d be fine with it. But in never really taking meds I’ve gotten used to dealing with pain. If society collapses during my lifetime I’ll probably be able to deal better than most. And I’ve also grown really attached to the idea of control. If I rely on a medication to do something for my body I have no control. And in dealing with these things all on my own I can tell myself I’m tough. It’s almost like self-harm, except instead of harming myself I’m not letting myself have relief. But all that isn’t even good for you in the long run so what does it matter.
Sorry, this is so rambly, I get really focused on one thing when I’m like this. And now I’m apologizing even though no one will actually read this.
God, I’m so tired. I just want to sleep.
My mother told me this morning that “you don’t seem very stable today” and she’s right. I put so much of my worth into being the stable one, being the one who can think quickly and solve problems, the one who can give you a hug and a piece of candy for a rough day. And now I just feel like I’m gonna fall over.
A few days ago a man was shot and killed in my city by the police because he was trying to stop a fight. He was my coworker’s dad. Now I’ve only known this girl for a few weeks and met her only a few times. I don’t know her well enough to really be more than just another person in the city. And of course, I haven’t seen her since. But another of my coworkers has been with us for a while and she was really close to their family. She called him her uncle. And she came to work yesterday. When I gave her a hug and rubbed her back I was so close to tears. I’m not the one to cry. I should be there to wipe her tears.
I’m older now, aren’t I supposed to be stronger?
I’m an emotionally detached empath. I struggle to feel my own feelings save for crippling depression and anxiety. I latch onto other people’s feelings in hopes that I might be able to help them.
But how far can I go before I break? How much of myself do I have to give up in order to fulfil this calling? I was pretty certain of my purpose in life, to make changes in people that will radiate out. But what happens if you try to avoid that fate?