Seriously in First Journal

I want her back. This is crazy. How do I get past this? It’s strange I cant control this feeling, ever. The moment I’m reminded of her I ache. It’s not even like a concious reminder sometimes either. I dont know why I suddenly feel sullen and sad and then I realize it’s because shes gone and she will always be gone. Even writing it and thinking it plunges me further into the hole that I’ve been trying to climb out of. I literally feel like I’m mourning a death. I know where she is, I know I can contact her but it’s not the same type of relationship anymore. I’m the ex and shes my love. It seems unfair but such is life and I should know that. I do. It doesn’t help. I’m trying to fill the space with someone else but I know I cant yet. I need to drop everything I’ve started and just let it be for a while. I know that to be true but I’m afraid of being alone. I’ll die alone so I’d like to reserve it just for that, but I guess it’s probably healthier for me. I love that God damn girl. I loved every minute of being with her and wouldn’t trade it for the stars or moon. I hope she feels the same. I think she does. We loved each other but she wasnt happy at the end. So I’m glad she can be happy now. I’d be sad if it meant she was happy. I’d protect her from anything even myself if I could. A lot of people get the fuck you attitude after being dumped. I understand it this time. She needed to. I needed to probably as well. It just hurts because I wanted to work harder for it, for her. I’ve said so many times over in this fucking journal, she is my heart, she has my heart still. Come back to me someday, my love, or time will take you away. I feel it tugging at my clothes and pulling on my skin. I see it has already shown you a glimpse of what the world without me is. People say to me shes going to have a period of doubt and contact me again, which will pull me back and break my heart again. I would break it a hundred times for the chance, but I think shes stronger than that. I think shes better than me. I already tried desperately and failed miserably. I’ve already given her the push and reassurance she made the right decision. I was weak and wanted to just dissolve into the wind when I realized what I had done. I still feel like I have little direction other than where the wind takes me at this point. I’m trying to focus on other loves like my music and band. I wish I could play guitar and write from this experience but that’s cliche right? Songs about broken hearts and dreams. I still think about the names Riley, Jordan, and Adele. The names we had picked for our kids. 2 were hers and 1 was mine. 2 to 1 was probably the ratio of our relationship. She put in 2 and I put in 1 but wanted to be a 2. All I had was 1. I would have tried to provide for all 3 of the kids and all 3 of the parts of the relationship to keep her in my life. I’m still here in the same job I was in. No car still. I did just start after the move but it feels like I’m going no where or backwards. Time is pulling at me.