And heartache in Stuff

I’ve been less inclined to write lately as it feels like there’s a bit of turmoil in my life these days. We’re headed for a week on Fire Island for Independence Day and I’m really looking forward to it. I think I need some long overdue relaxation to re-center myself.

We’ve taken trips to Cherry Grove (on Fire Island) and it’s really a wonderful spot. It’s VERY MUCH a LGBT resort area, and it’s interesting to note that when we went there two summers ago we left like outsiders because we were a straight family in a place where it didn’t seem like anyone else was straight. This year it seems like a lot has changed in my family.

I’ve always had a relationship with my kids that I was proud of. There was a wonderful open level of communication and it was great that they felt like they could talk to me about anything. There have been phases of angst, of course, but overall it’s been good. But ever since Megan and Olsen have been in a relationship, I feel like Olsen has cut me off.

She’ll talk to me about things going on at school or work, but she doesn’t respond or changes the subject if anything about Megan comes up. They spend a lot of time together but never really in my presence. The whole thing feels weird, and I think it’s because they both believe I don’t approve. Which isn’t really the case. I mean, I don’t love the idea of them being together like that, but I’m not really going to be against either of their happiness.

So last night I saw Megan at the gym. We’ve seen a lot less of each other lately, and part of me knows it’s because she’s avoiding me. We probably would only have exchanged a wave from a distance last night too if I hadn’t specifically pulled her aside and told her I missed her and wanted to catch up.

She looked thoughtful about it and then said she might be able to take off soon if I wanted to grab dinner or coffee or something. She doesn’t eat normal food, which is exactly where my mind went when she suggested getting something to eat. I brought up a place close to home that I’ve been wanting to try and she agreed. She gave me a long hug, the type you’d give someone you haven’t seen in a long time, and it really felt like that was the case even though she’s at my house almost every day.

I stayed at the gym longer than I would have otherwise, just waiting for her to be ready. When we finally sat down at the restaurant, she really unloaded. I was almost shocked. Megan is often a person of very few words but last night she talked my ears off. Here’s a basic summary:

• She knows Olsen doesn’t want to share anything about their relationship with me but she disagrees and wants to be able to talk to me about things. “It’s not like I’m going to talk about bedroom stuff with you, but I can’t keep a whole part of my life secret from a friend,” is pretty close to an exact quote

• A very sheepish look on her face when she told me in almost a whisper that she has real feelings for Olsen and is worried that she takes their relationship more seriously than Olsen does. I asked why she felt that way and she responded, “I didn’t take relationships seriously when I was 20.” I know she got married and divorced in her early 20’s, so I wanted to ask more follow-up questions, but I didn’t.

• After a stretch of silence, she said, “I love you, and I love your daughter. It’s not the same type of love, of course. But I want you to know it’s not lost on me how weird and awkward that is.” I responded, “I’m happy to hear that because part of me thought you felt it was perfectly normal.”

• Eventually she looked down at her half-eaten sandwich and said, “I haven’t eaten mayonnaise in probably more than 10 years but I don’t even care. I’m just happy you and I are talking.” I gave her a hard stare and said, “Why haven’t we been talking?”

“Olsen thinks you hate her for being with me,” she said. “And by extension, if you hate Olsen you clearly hate me too.”

Come on. There’s literally nothing that Olsen could do to make me hate her. There’s probably some things Megan could do, but not my daughter, not ever. I feel like I can’t force a 20 year old to open up to me, but I’m going to have to try. All the heartburn and heartache of the last month is almost completely the result of her misinterpreting how I feel.