and another one bites the dust in 2018

8:33pm

I’m currently in this space where I want to click away at this keyboard, but I also want to close this screen and not say another word.

I’ll give it a try for the sake of trying since I’ve had at least a handful of entries worked up in my head that have not been put to paper. It’s all lost now in the far reaches of my brain so we’ll see what I can come up with tonight.

First of all, some things I’d like on record: in the last couple of months I have discovered two white hairs mixed in amongst my beautiful brown. I am sad. Not because I feel like I’m getting old or anything like that. It’s more because I love my hair color. Adore it! I always wanted to dye my hair and never did because I was afraid I’d never be able to get back to my natural color. Now that color is changing all on its own [again! I was a blonde/dirty blonde kid] and it makes me sad. I mean, I’m not going to spend that much time thinking about it but it sucks and I had to document it.

Also, I went to the doctor this week and I might write a longer private entry about it, but basically my BP was still high/my legs suck/and I’m taking steps to do more. I made sure to tell her everything I thought was going on and she seemed halfway receptive to it, which was better than nothing. She’s recommending I start again with a new doc [maybe stanford?]. I’m on a low dose steroid instead of tapering off and I’m supposed to start a celebrex type drug soon but it hasn’t been approved. She thought it would be helpful while I wait a few weeks to get in with the other doc. It’s not ideal. I don’t want to be on any medication at all, because I feel like I might regret it later, but I also want to be able to move so there’s that. I have to compile all my medical records together from the last 10 yrs but my motivation is low.

I’m travelling again. Well, I’m going to be travelling here soon. A work trip to KC for about 4 days. Then another WI trip to visit my favorite friends and possibly roadtrip out to N. Carolina and back. It’ll be about 10 days so we’ll have to pack it all in quick but I’m excited. I’ll get to check a ton of states off my bucketlist and I love these friends! I’m happy to get away for a while. =) Hoping the weather won’t be too bad in any of the locations! I went to KC about 6-7 years ago and absolutely loved the area, but I imagine it’s changed/grown a lot over all this time. These work things always make me a little anxious/nervous but I’ve met most of the people and they’re easy to talk to. I’m sure there will be after-work shenanigans so that could be fun. I’ll try to enjoy it the best I can without stressing. The other trip should be a good time regardless of what we do. A fun experience no matter what! The only thing I’m not excited about is waking up before the sun because the airport’s so far away! Oh well though.

I was typing the date on here to save the draft and I realized it’s almost TF’s birthday. Of course it’s on a Tuesday this year just like mine was. Coincidentally the main reason I’ve probably been avoiding writing is because of him.

I haven’t heard anything more from him since last Friday. We exchanged a few messages back and forth. After I made that comment to him that he knew I wasn’t good at making friends, he replied the next morning with “true story!!” I told him that that hurt. That he wasn’t supposed to agree. He was supposed to tell me I wasn’t so bad, or I could do better, or something. He replied later that I didn’t want him lying to me. “Well no,” I told him, “you’re right about that. but would pretending be the same thing? A little white lie to be nice to me?” He replied with one of those “Ok ok ok” comments and I sat there contemplating how to joke that those words still drive me nuts. But as I was trying to figure out how to make this joke he sent another message asking me how everything was going.

I thought this was good. He would have left things at “Ok” before and now he seemed to be trying to make more conversation. Cool. So I responded about work stuff and enjoying my time off. I asked how things were going with him and if he was excited it was Friday.
Then nothing.

Which I should have known. I should have known better all along. But oh well. I don’t really want to get into all the realizations I had after that, which is why I’ve been avoiding. You have to make your own mistakes, right?

Some time in the last couple of weeks his fb disappeared. I don’t know if I mentioned this? I’d been looking at his sister’s post and I realized he wasn’t tagged in something he normally would have. Then I poked around and he wasn’t tagged in something else I know he was definitely on before. Suddenly all these thoughts flooded my mind. You know the ones. Did he block me? That must be why he’s gone. He loves fb. His brother had literally just joked that he’s always on there. He wouldn’t delete it. It doesn’t make sense. He must not want me to see something. OMG I’m crazy. I need to stop these thoughts. It has nothing to do with me. Ugh. Stop Rose!

Something like that....

Fast forward to today and I was doing way too much digging online and hmm these are important records I’ve just come across… I don’t mind poking through someone’s fb. I don’t see anything wrong with that if they have their info public. But these records, no. I knew about them. I really wanted to know more details, but I couldn’t. It felt too shady. It was the kind of stuff that he should tell me if he wants to. I couldn’t do it. It was right there, one click away, but I couldn’t. I don’t even know why.

I keep trying so hard to let go of these thoughts. Everything reminds me of him. Every song, every moment, every movie and tv show. It all has some connection.

A couple nights ago I found myself dreaming about him again. In the dream he was walking by me and I reached out for his hand. I took it and pulled him down to where I was apparently lying on the floor. He laid beside me, holding my hand, and I kept trying to come up with something to say to him but I couldn’t find the right words. All I know is that I wouldn’t let go and kept trying to come up with a reason for him to stay.

And that’s it, isn’t it? It’s all me. I’m my own worst enemy. I’m self-sabotaging. I am the one refusing to let go of him in order to let myself move on. I know this. I’ve always known this. I certainly know it’s not him trying to hold on to me. I know he’s not the one that continues to try to find ways to reconnect. That’s all on me. That dream proves what’s going on in my subconscious, whether or not you believe in the meanings behind dreams.

Perhaps these distractions will help me to move forward again. I feel so pathetic and at the same time I try not to be so hard on myself. It is what it is. Some day I’m sure I’ll look back on all of this and roll my eyes while laughing at how silly I was.

rose.
10:35pm