Sentenced to Deletion in 2018

Would you believe I actually made a whole entry around the beginning of April, and then just…didn’t post it? Like, I meant to, but I didn’t. So I guess that’s gone? Kinda figured it would have it queued up when I went to make this entry, though this is on my PC and that was on my phone. It doesn’t really matter though. I was still in a pretty negative, bitter place then. I mean, I’m always bitter, I’m like a shitty Hulk, but things are better.

So, last time I was not in a very good place, I was staying with friends because my living situation had collapsed spectacularly, and the girl I was in love with and kinda best friends with turned her back on me without a word. Things are certainly better now. She sent me a happy birthday text in March, which I didn’t respond to, and that’s it I guess? A facade of friendship is what remains. I never got any answers, and no longer seek any, or have any desire to speak with her. Thinking about it still makes me angry, and for a while I would think about it daily, but things diminish with time. The one good thing about having such a negligent former friend is that, well, the odds of running into them are almost nonexistent, so that’s good. I don’t ever want to see her again.

I have an apartment again. Have since March. My friend Chase moved up from Medford, so I have a built-in legit homie and reliable roommate. I had the place to myself for a couple months before he came up. That was nice, but also expensive. Having tasted being on my own, I prefer having a roommate. It’s nice having someone to chat with for a bit before going off to do my own thing. Also, paying all the rent yourself is definitely overrated.

I’ve been doing the Lyft thing still. It started slowing down a lot the last couple months, and picked back up recently. Still, between that spooking me and realizing that I need some sort of structure in my life, I decided to get a regular job again. I start Monday. It’s at this plant lab that some of my friends work at. I’ll be cutting plants and putting them into goo to grow other plants. Fun! It’s second shift, which is farts, but I get to listen to music and I’ll have weekends off. Not farts. Also, I will have insurance again, which I certainly took for granted before. Paid time off and 401k is good stuff too.

There have been girls here and there, but none that have stuck around. I was pretty burnt after all that stuff with Courtney, so it’s hard to want to put myself out there or get attached to anyone. I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time with Tori, the younger sister of one of my friends that moved out here from Florida in March. Not really sure how that started, I suppose it was because the gym came up somehow, and I said she could go with me if she wanted. She actually did, and does. Not every day, but at least a couple days a week. Because of that, we end up hanging out almost every day, or at least did for a while. The new job will put an end to that. She’s 23, so definitely younger, which shows in how aloof and oblivious she can be at times. Still, she’s a really good person, very fun to be around, and relatively open-minded to going out and doing stuff. Courtney in theory was down to do stuff, but she never backed it up. Tori does, so that’s refreshing. I like her more than a friend, a little. Don’t know if that’s just because of how much time we spend together, she’s not the type I usually go for. Also don’t know if I’d like her a lot more if I wasn’t so fucked up emotionally. I don’t think she’s interested in me, she seems to have acclimated to the bearded hipster meta that literally every straight woman in Portland is interested in. Maybe we’ll date down the road, who knows, regardless I’d say she’s been helpful in helping me shake my funk and get back to being a more positive person.

That’s mostly it. I’ve just been surviving and having fun here and there along the way. I’m behind on some bills, but now that I have this job and can still do Lyft in the early mornings, it should be okay. I’ll be able to get contacts again soon now that I’ll have insurance, so that’s cool. I really hate wearing glasses, and have just been dealing with it for a year and a half, even though there were times when I had the money and just didn’t get them. I wanted to go visit Michigan, but that’s gonna have to wait til next year. Maybe I’ll finally get my tattoos this summer if I save up a bunch. I’ve slacked off on music, finally getting back to that. Actually wrote my first lyrics in quite a while earlier tonight. I’ve definitely gotten out of shape again, so I gotta work on that so I can go back to wrestling training. And I want to get back out there dating-wise. Otherwise, I just want to do a bunch of fun shit this summer. Tori and I went hiking last weekend, and this weekend the group is going to Becca’s aunt’s beach house that she’s been mentioning for a couple years, so that’s a pretty good start.

When all that stuff was going down with this place and OD, I did have some friends that mentioned it. I definitely meant to come back and kind of tie things up, or at least save all my shit and update, but I didn’t. I don’t know why that is. I suppose I’m not as sentimental as I used to be. I used to be really, really, REALLY sentimental. With time, things fade. I want to keep this going, but practically speaking, updating once every few months is not much of an existence. We’ll see. I would always feel really bad for not updating more or reading my favorites entries, at least the ones I normally read. I don’t feel bad any more. There are a lot of things that I used to beat myself up about that I no longer worry about. I don’t use Facebook anymore, I only logged on recently to update it and change the goofy picture that was on there since I know employers check your Facebook when you apply for a job. A lot of it was not wanting to see anything of Courtney’s on there, or anyone else that I used to be close with and got left behind on. It’s been nice being away from it. The feeling of obligation is gone. I’m sure when I get my shit together and have something to brag about or something to say, I’ll be back on there. I haven’t changed to the degree I desired, but I think the changes have actually been positive. I feel less inhibited, more free mentally. I wouldn’t say I’m happy, but also not nearly as depressed as I was a few months ago. Motivation is hard to maintain, but it’s always been that way. I still have that persona in my mind of who I think could find the success I have always lacked, so I guess I’m still chasing that.

Uh, but yeah, things are better. I feel pretty far removed from this place, but I hope everyone is doing well. I’d say it’s a new year and anything is possible, but actually this year is half gone, holy crap. Nevermind. There’s still time to turn things around if your year is crappy, but it ain’t looking good, so you’d better get on that.