Wife's Birthday & Father's Day & Que in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

My wife has now been alive for 38 years. I can’t in good conciousness say she has turned 38 years old. Even she doesn’t deign to say such a thing. Because she knows that when you average everything? She mostly acts like someone who just turned 8 years old.

Her birthday (Saturday) started fairly normally for her. She worked out and did a run. Meanwhile, my insomnia is back in a big way and I pushed myself too hard on my Friday workout so my Saturday was full of being very sore and in a great deal of pain. Which didn’t stop Wife from making me feel even worse. Because apparently, since I don’t workout as consistently or as much as she would prefer me to… I’m choosing to remain fat. Now, she didn’t say those specific words necessarily. But what I usually hear about my working out or my weight loss efforts is criticism, never support. Never “Congrats on keeping that first ten pounds off.” Always “You didn’t work out enough last week.”

After her shower, we realized that we could try to catch up on Peter Capaldi’s Dr. Who run through our Amazon Prime trial membership. We’re going to cancel around the 25th; so we have our work cut out for us.

During Dr. Who, I gave Wife her birthday presents. I bought her the first two seasons of Attack on Titan (Blu Ray) and an Exclusive Aren Titan Form Funko. I know I kind of “forced” Funko on to her but… the woman needed a fucking hobby of some kind. Besides, it isn’t a “Funko to Funko” thing… any Funko I’ve given her is a “cute” or “important” character to something she genuinely enjoys. Her favorite anything is Attack on Titan right now so… hopefully, good.

Wife wanted to save money, so instead of going out to dinner, we cooked at home. We’d originally thought of doing Cheesecake Factory and Up/Down (Bar/Arcade) but Wife opted for saving money instead. The plan was modified to eating at home, Up/Down, then Cheesecake Factory for dessert.

Important Note: All weekend the entire state of Iowa was under strict Heat Advisory Warnings. Heat index was triple digits.

The Up/Down is a small bar/arcade area in the basement of an apartment complex/business park in downtown Des Moines. Wife loves it and in many respects, it is a good place. However, on any night… it is crowded and hot as balls. Wife knows these things and, as it was her birthday, I figured it would be all right. All things considered.

Now… it was fun. We spent less than 30 dollars (including parking and drinks) and played for 3 hours. Now, I’d like to focus on that. But… as I said before, the place was very hot… and we were in the middle of a Heat Advisory. So what Wife decided to focus on, repeatedly and much to her very vocal disgust, was how sweaty I was. True… I was very very sweaty. But… when your Wife continues to mention how disgusted she is? REALLY affected my self-esteem. And as my self-esteem burned to ash and I looked around at all of the very attractive people at Up/Down (many of whom were attractive young ladies in assorted fashions). And it occurred to me… I don’t think Wife is so critical and negative for a specific nefarious purpose… I think she’s constantly negative and critical of herself and it just spills over to me as well. BUT I think it does serve her in that… my self-esteem and self-confidence are to a point where I know it affects my feelings on “if I leave.” Because… sweaty and fat isn’t really “a catch.”

When we got home, I figured… okay… now just off to bed and everything will be okay. Except no. Because of course not. Because as I got ready to get into bed, Wife objected. Because apparently my smell was “over poweringly awful.” I had been sweating profusely for three hours straight in three digit heat. So… the fact that I wasn’t smelling great isn’t exactly a shock. But Wife’s vehemence to call me out for it, make me feel bad for it, and make it a big “fix it before coming to bed with me” issue? I object. This is a woman who doesn’t own a pair of underwear without track marks… a woman that constantly says, “Wow. My crotch is smelly.” And just… yeah. Upsetting. Upsetting that a woman that doesn’t say “I love you” and doesn’t have sex with her husband… and is always pointing out his flaws and short comings… yeah. My self esteem is torn to tatters with this stuff.

I expected Father’s Day to go okay.

We arrived at my parents house shortly before my brother and his family. Dad had set up a full on water party in the backyard due to the heat advisory… two plastic mini-pools, squirt guns, sprinkler, hose. He loves being “Boom!Pa” (his granddad name). Seeing him thrill at being Boom!Pa and seeing my brother play with his daughter… I thought again how it sucks that Wife will never be emotionally capable of being in an adult relationship and so (if I stay) there is zero percent chance that we’ll ever have kids. I went inside after a while, and we debriefed about Wife’s birthday. Mom mentioned that she much preferred the clean shaven look I was sporting and I told her that I shaved after every workout now. SIL jumped in to ask if I was breaking out due to chlorine at all. I informed her that the majority of my workouts are Weights, Rowing, and ARK Training. I shrugged at the whole thing and admitted that I’m disappointed in my swimming progress. I still can’t do much in the way of endurance swimming and my arms kill far too quickly. SIL mentioned, “Well, for your birthday your brother and I did offer to buy you swimming equipment that might have helped.” I shrugged and played it off. But Wife snapped at SIL. Jumped in and said, “Well, he’s moving soon.” SIL: What difference does that make? Wife: Well, he’s not likely to have access to a pool. SIL: Yeah, but you can store that stuff.

Okay. Ladies… whatever. I decided to go back outside and watch Niece, Bro, and Dad enjoying their time. Just stayed out there enjoying that scene for about an hour. SIL had to go to her parents house because she had forgotten Niece’s blanket there (!!) and Wife watched old episodes of Expanse on her cell phone. But after about 90 minutes, Wife came out and told me, “I’m still burned up about that ‘for your birthday’ line your SIL said.” I… was over it the instant it was said. Beyond over it. And I just looked at Wife incredulously and said, “Let it go.” and turned to watch the family fun some more. She went back to watching “Expanse.” About a half hour later, Bro and I are talking and he asks how Wife is. I shrug my shoulders and he says, “Is she not enjoying work again? I mean… she snapped at SIL, so…” I just shrugged defeatedly and said, “That’s who she is. What can I say about a wife who doesn’t say I love you for three months? She’s got issues.” That kind of officially closed conversation on Wife-stuff for the night. The rest of the evening went well, though. Had a great conversation with my Dad about his recent fishing trip. Had a great conversation with my brother about his business and his work stuff. Entertained the niece a bit. Food was excellent (my Dad once picked up the hobby of Pork and got good enough to be an Iowa Pork judge).

On the way home, Wife peppered me with questions about what kind of preparation I was doing for the upcoming move. Just… peppered me. And wanted very detailed specifics. And I could tell it wasn’t her usual “I need to know” panic. It was something more demanding, more pressing, more fearful. I inquired. Wife said that we’ve had moves and transitions before… even months where we lived apart (as I started Tiny Town) but something about this seemed more… meaningful, important… momentous. I agreed and gave her the straight honest truth of it. I’d been saying it already but… as this is a woman that seems to often ignore me, repeating myself is always a good idea. I told her, “Well, yeah. Because this time we’re each going to spend the time apart considering what we really want. Like… do we want to continue as a marriage? Are we capable of a healthy relationship? Do we want the same things out of life? Are we capable of being happy? Is life easier and more fulfilling with or without the other one? These are important things we’re going to have to explore while we’re apart.”

As I said… I often have to repeat myself. Because despite telling her on Friday that we’re still married strictly because I put such value on marriage… to little or no response… what I said on Sunday made an impact and she started crying in the car. I don’t like making my Wife cry but this isn’t/wasn’t/shouldn’t have been news to her. These are the things we’re going to need to address before the year is out. Honestly? Cruel as it may be? I’m glad she cried. It shows that she’s taking it seriously. AND I’m glad she cried instead of immediately playing the “I suck, I’m awful” game. Because she often does that. If I ask something like, “Why do you put me down and refuse to say I love you?” She’ll answer with, “Because I’m a horrible person.” Which does nothing. It doesn’t progress the conversation, it doesn’t get us to a solution, it doesn’t foster dialogue. So… for that, I’m glad she cried.

Though… at bed that night, I was kind of a dick but… considering how much crap I take? I feel like I can forgive myself for dishing it out sometime. She was laying on her stomach and unhappy and said, “I think I have heartburn” to which I said, “Proving you have one.”

I had… a bit of trouble sleeping but not as bad as it has been.

I woke up to my alarm at 7 as I had a long day of driving ahead of me! Waking up so early also let me see Wife before she left for work. Though… mostly, what I did was to wake up… feel a disturbance in the air (seriously, I am genuinely empathic) and go back to bed for an hour.

Woke up, ate food, showered, shaved and got as pretty as I could. Weighed myself. 220.8 and 221.6. Our scale isn’t the greatest and those two weights came instantly after each other. ::eye roll:: another reason why I don’t let the scale dictate my life… but I do want to get below 200 again! I’m not allowing myself to imagine 160 (ultimate weight goal) but… if I can even get below 200, that would be great.

The drive to my interview in Que was 3 hours and 30 minutes. It was… a rough drive. But I arrived with many many many minutes to spare. I found cheap parking and walked to the Courthouse. I’d been there before. One of the earliest cases I did for Firm was to help a young Chinese woman who was being trafficked in that area. So I knew my way around and was comfortable with locations and procedure for the jail, the courthouse, the attorney’s office. The Que Attorney I worked with on that case is… interesting. An emotional, spiritual, and behavioral clone of my Godmother… and my Godmother is certifiably insane! Though, that is also why I was the attorney in our office that dealt with her. I’ve got loads of experience dealing with people like her, so I was very well able to handle her. Turned to my favor, as this same attorney greeted me enthusiastically when I arrived for my interview. She repeated several times that she would not be interviewing me or influencing the selection process, but was glad to see I had applied and made it to the interview stage.

A little background here for a second. Que is my first choice. Even knowing that I’ve already accepted a job elsewhere, I wanted to do the Que interview because it is my first choice. BEFORE the interview… it was my first choice because (1) considerably more money (13,000 to 17,000 more to be exact) and; (2) considerably larger community (by 79,758 people). That was before the interview. Back to the telling!

The interview started and I was introduced to the Office Manager and the Second in Command of the attorneys. The County Attorney was away on medical leave… which complicates things as he has final say. But the interview went fairly well. I gave them my best and was both professional and relaxed. And while there was given MANY more reasons to put Que as number one! The insurance? OMG… best insurance package I’ve seen in my professional career. And I mean professional career in total… not just legal! Add to that the fact that there are NO places to live in Garrett and an abundance in Que? OH… and try this on for size. Tiny Town: 1 Attorney and me. Firm: 1 attorney, 1 Dragon Lady, and me. Garrett: 1 attorney and me. Que: 1 County Attorney and multiple Assistant County Attorneys. And pay? I was happy with pay for being so high. But they also have scheduled, guaranteed pay rises. Like… the small rural counties tell you straight out “You’ll NEVER get a pay rise, ever” and this county has guaranteed rises built into all of their employment contracts. And sick leave! And vacation time! These things might seem obvious in a professional market… but the rural counties? Tiny Town and Garrett? Not at all. Sick leave and Vacation Time require a staff… something the rural counties simply cannot afford, apparently. Most of all? Que County has shit figured out. It is a system that already works and works well. Tiny Town was a system that was broken and didn’t want fixing. The Firm was a system being built by people who didn’t know how to make it work. Garrett is a system trying to figure out what it means to work. Working for Que? I wouldn’t have to build anything. I wouldn’t have to worry about resurrecting anything. I could just… be an attorney. That would be super nice! So… yeah. Que is absolutely my first choice to the point where… if I do get it? I won’t even feel that guilty for screwing Garrett County over!

In fact… on my drive back home? I came to an easy decision. If Garrett is where I have to be? Things stay as planned. At least six months without the wife. I won’t have space for her wherever I’m living AND Garrett county’s version of Marriage Counseling or Therapy of any kind is… embarrassingly lacking. Not so in Que!! If I get Que? I told Wife that she could move whenever she wanted as there would be space, mental health care, options for her career/education-wise, and we’d be able to see a marriage counselor. So now… there’s that out there, too. Que means more money, more opportunity, less loneliness, and a more genuine possibility that the marriage might work. Garrett means less money, less opportunity, more loneliness, and an imposed separation from Wife. So… we’ll see what happens. Large parts of me would consider this a Communique with the All Mighty. If I get Que, God is saying “I’ll take care of you guys. Keep working at it together and I’ll help.” If I have to do Garret, God is saying “There is a LOT of issues here. You guys need to spend some serious quality time apart to figure this stuff out.”

SO that was SSM. Tomorrow is Web County and that interview is literally “I’m doing this for fun.” Don’t judge me, lol. Of course… I can’t sleep right now. It is almost 2 a.m. my time. I can’t sleep for all of the reasons.
(1) My entire future is up in the air right now. Either I find out late this week, early next week that I got Que and have a less-than professional “getting out of a job” to do… or I find out that I don’t have Que and need to get set up in Garrett County in less than 5 days. What it really comes down to is that… right now? I’m not homeless. I have a place to live in West Des Moines. But… WDM to Garrett is 90 minutes of driving. 3 hours commuting every day sounds abysmal. So… if I do have to do Garrett… I hope I can snag a place to live damned quickly!
(2) My marriage is… still what it is. In fact, I was hoping to enlist your help on this. I’m trying to find a tactful way to say what the problems are in a way that won’t instantly send Wife to “Because I’m a horrible person.” I want her to hear my concerns and take them to heart as things that I need in my marriage and… she needs to figure out if she’s capable or willing to consider that.
VERBAL
(A) I need a wife that says, “I love you.” Because I grew up in a house that said, “If you get into a car accident, I want to know that I said ‘I love you’ before you left that day.”
(B) I need a wife that encourages and lifts up instead of tears down. If you make me feel like I can move mountains, I’ll be able to. If you make me feel like an appalling, uncomely, hideous freak; I’ll lack the energies to even get off the couch. What you say to me and about me matter.
(C) Courtesy and manners are the easiest way to show other people respect and basic human decency. I’m owed that much for being a person.
BEHAVIOR
(A) I need a wife that finds “marriage” enough of a reason to have sex with me. I literally read an article about a man who had cancer in his penis so it had to be REMOVED. He was left with a tube for his urethra and he said that anytime he had to use his “non-penis” for anything it caused pain. And even HE said (a direct quote from the article he wrote): “With a quarter-inch stem, I can still get erect and ejaculate, but due to the amputation, the lack of extra skin makes boners painful. And since I do have a wife, sex is still important. Not having sex would be unfair to her, and since we’re monogamous, we decided against a sex surrogate.” If a man can say “I love my wife enough that, while an erection hurts, it isn’t fair to close off sex.” I should be at least not getting treated like a leper.
(B) I need a wife that finds “exploring the world” together to be exciting. And here, I do mean sexually. Granted… Wife has been with 16 guys, I’ve just been with her. But that shouldn’t mean we don’t explore together. Yes, she might have tried something with a guy before and not liked it… but maybe we can figure out if there’s a way she does. I’m not even talking CRAZY… I’m just thinking… “not missionary in the bed with the lights off.”
(C) I need a wife that finds “a kiss” acceptable. Kissing doesn’t always need to be passionate or as a prelude to sex. Sometimes, a kiss is a nice way to say “I love you”.
(D) MOST of all? I need a wife that doesn’t find coming into physical contact with me to be extremely displeasing. That hurts my feelings immensely. Rejection has long been a part of my life in many ways. Constant rejection at every level by my wife? No verbal, emotional, or physical affirmation of value, worth, or relationship? That… that’s just brutal. That’s like a version of demonic ironic torture.

So.... that (above) is the tactful way I’ve been thinking about trying to say it. But I am SUPER open to suggestions about a better way that may actually get through to her.

And… that’s why I can’t sleep. TODAY, June 19, 2018 at 2:17 a.m..... I don’t know where I am going to live, what my job will be, or if I’ll even be married. That’s a lot of security to lose.

As I’m up, I’ve been watching an Anime. It is called Bakemonogatari. It is.... interesting? I mostly appreciate the premise. I largely like the character. I’m not thrilled about the animation. And I’m utterly against the directing. Usually with Anime, I’m just trying to figure if I like the story, the characters, or neither. But this particular anime? I have to admit… the Director’s choices (how he cuts, how often he cuts, the random title screens, etcetera) largely take away from the show for me. It seems like a director who learned everything from MTV and never realized you can just have a long static scene where the script does the heavy lifting.

BUT ultimately? There is a Tsundere flirting girl with purple hair… so I’m going to mostly like it. Because if you have a flirtatious woman… I’m interested. Blue or purple hair? I’m in. I can’t explain it. But there it is. A nice exposure of weakness for all of you :)
(a fan written article on the controversial directing style: https://animeafterlifepodcast.wordpress.com/2011/04/03/bakemonogatari-animation/)