my own advocate in 2018

June 12 - 2:19p

I had to force myself to get out of the house. I need a distraction. If I sit there not moving then I just end up worse than I already am. I think I’ve transitioned to the slightly numb stage, which I guess is progress? I don’t really know. Like I said it’s all a series of ups and downs.

The car next to me took three tries to pull into the spot and it did not look like they were adjusting it at all each time they pulled out. Silly drivers. I actually have really terrible road rage these days. I’d barely made it onto the freeway and I was already cursing at some idiot. I need to seriously work on that. Also, this place smells like marijuana. I cannot understand how anyone likes that smell. It’s like a dying skunk but slightly sweet. Those two scents should not be mixed. Hah

I’ve stopped wearing my fitbit because I’m bored with it and also I miss getting to wear all my different watches! I have a pretty extensive collection and they’ve all been sitting there lonely since I got this thing. I mean it’s fun to track water, heart rate, etc but so far today I’ve only missed the notifications. Haha. So much easier to have your arm buzz when you get a text than watching it. That’s ok though. I don’t need to be that connected to this thing anyway and the client is pretty much the only one that texts me.

Speaking of heart rate: it’s slowly been elevating over the last week from resting in the low 80s to hitting 86 last night. That might be the highest since I started recording. Not sure what’s up.

I have an appointment next Tuesday with the doc and I haven’t decided if I should tell her that I think I started going downhill after she put me on meds. I’m thinking about stopping all of them just to see if I can feel improvement. I found an entry from August that seems to be when I started taking them. I wish this place had a search feature so I could easily find the first mention of things getting worse without going through every damn entry. Especially because 97% of them mention a certain someone I’m trying not to think about. It would be so easy to make the correlation with those dated entries. I had to have mentioned it even in passing. Maybe I’ll tackle the daunting task of finding it just to prove my point (or disprove it and figure something else out). I swear it makes sense in my mind though!

We’ll see what happens after Tuesday. All I know is that I feel like I got worse at the end of last year after 10 years of managing pretty well. My heart has been flickering a lot the last few days. I get this crazy rash when I scratch my skin. At first I thought it was because of all the sun I got but I’ve noticed it in places that haven’t seen the light of day in 15 years. Haha. Like I’ll scratch my skin and all of a sudden the skin is raised and it looks like I was attacked by a wolf. I have super short nails so it isn’t that and this never happened before. If I continue to scratch because it’s itchy then I end up with the raised skin plus hive like bumps. Now they don’t last long, a few minutes once I stop scratching, but it’s weird.

I haven’t even changed anything in my world. Same basic diet, same mostly lack of exercise, same environment and surroundings. I can’t come up with any other explanation besides the unnatural drugs I’m putting into my system.

It’s Thursday now. I didn’t really get a chance to finish this the other day. I went to dinner and had a couple drinks and a delicious burger. I had every intention of finishing after I got home but I started watching a movie and didn’t feel like pulling the laptop out to type. Then I was going to do it yesterday at work but that turned into a sh*tshow. Basically from just after I arrived at 11:30a until 7pm I was working on getting our server back online with about 3% help from our tech support. I ended up being able to access what I needed after we hung up and then couldn’t get ahold of anyone for help. They’d gone home for the day. So I had to figure it out on my own. Went home to have dinner [yum steak and potatoes!!] and then came back to work on it some more until 8pm when I quit and left it running.

Yeah, so no time yesterday and I was too stressed/annoyed last night to feel like typing. There are new developments in my tiny world but I’ll get to those in another entry. There wasn’t much more to say on this. Basically I’m trying to take active steps to get healthy again and seriously avoiding the option of injecting large needles filled with drugs that have a side effects list a mile long into my body.

Fingers crossed I can finally start advocating for my own health again!

rose.