A gray Monday in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

Thank you all for reading and noting the last entry. Obviously, that has taken center stage in my mind today. It just… in a marriage, where you don’t hear “I love you”… don’t kiss occasionally… rarely engage in sexual intercourse… openly don’t have a mutual support system… I know I’m living in a corpse. I know that this marriage is dead. But it is very difficult to face as a reality outside of myself. When it is simply my pain, my misery… that’s easy to handle. I’ve spent most of my life dealing with my own pain and my own misery… I can shoulder that burden because it adds very little to the burden I’ve carried all along. But… to actually start putting it out there into reality… to honestly begin to take steps that could result in the end of my marriage… even if they make rational sense and/or could be seen as the best possible choice… it is so difficult. Part of me looks at my upcoming move and thinks, “This will be perfect. You’ll realize how much happier you are without her in your day to day life. She’ll realize how much happier she is without me in her day to day life. It’ll be great.” But I know better than that. I know that no matter what happens with my upcoming move and no matter what happens surrounding all of that? Wife will set herself on coming up and joining me after about 6 months. Even if she is happier staying in Des Moines solo, she’ll come up and join me. Which is why… all of this is playing in my head so much right now. Because… a genuine “separation” is exactly what we need right now. It’s a good thing. But it also marks an honest beginning to really, truly, genuinely contemplating “do we need to get a divorce?”

I didn’t work out last week and ate like crap (for a number of reasons). Weigh in today at 221 lbs. So… technically, I gained a pound. But a single pound gained can be fought against. I can still carry on with my mad attempt to get down to a weight I’d prefer. But even that jumps out at me as far as marital stuff. Because as soon as I wrote “a weight I’d prefer”, I also thought “and a weight she’d prefer I be.” And that makes me angry. Because love isn’t supposed to be “You’re fat now so I don’t say I love you or touch you”. That isn’t a marriage. Which is something a lot of you have already been saying, I realize.

Finding a place to live is turning out to be an absolute giant pain in the ass. I should use Geographic Pseudonyms for my safety and the safety of my career but… the issue is so difficult, I’m willing to write honestly in hopes that it may result in a solution. I’ve been looking at Iowa Falls for possible rental options. Rental Homes, Townhomes, Condos, Duplexes, Apartments… I’ve found… almost nothing. I’ve located a single apartment complex in Iowa Falls and that is the ENTIRE Rental Listing for the County. I’ve called to ask them about vacancies but… seriously? If they DON’T have any vacancies? I might be staring at an HOUR LONG commute to get to work. I know some people do that, but I’m not that guy. I’m not looking to wake up and be in the car by 6:30 so I can get to work on time and then turn around and get home around 6:30 at night every weekday. Fuel, wear and tear on the car aren’t even my biggest concerns. You take a tired ME and have him drive for two hours a day? That greatly increases accident likelihood.

SO… yeah… that’s my life right now. Failing Marriage; Starting a Job soon but maybe not but maybe starting a different job; and occasionally I play video games and check the e-mails Pintrest sends me. On the upside, my Credit Score is 743, lol. Anyway, Pintrest E-Mails… Not surprisingly… they are recommending things like the following:

Last updated June 11, 2018