lost the battle in 2018

1:55pm

I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster these days. Some times I’m up and some times I’m down. Today I’m up, which is a welcome feeling, despite the fact that I went to a funeral this morning and now I’m working.

Did I mention that JR’s brother died? I don’t think I brought that up since I was venting about my own emotional state. He passed last Sunday night I believe. JR texted me Monday morning to let me know. We all sorta knew it was coming but it was still a shock. He’s been battling a brain tumor for 6 years now and he’d gone downhill in recent months. It was sad to see.

I told mom after we found out that I was actually sadder to see him a couple months ago [barely walking, loss of verbal skills, dependent on others] than I was to hear that he’d died. That sounds a little insensitive when I say it out loud but I have a long history with death and I’m pretty much desensitized to it now. Like the person’s dead and there’s nothing we can do about it. This is the reason I avoid funerals as much as possible these days. I end up saying the wrong things that might make sense later down the road but not when someone’s grieving.

Anyway, my point is that he was such a strong man. He fought for so long and he hated being dependent on anyone. He didn’t want pity. He always said he was fine and he had faith. I know that he hated being taken care of. He hated not being able to work anymore. I know that hurt him far more than anything else because I’m the same way. I cannot stand the idea of being dependent because I’ve lost my ability to move the way I should. That’s why my leg thing is always so damn frustrating. He taught me how to be strong though and to fight. I’ll always remember him for that. And he’s in a better place where he no longer has to suffer. I’m thankful for that, for him.

So obviously this was not one of the many funerals I could avoid. We were planning to send flowers and I ended up suggesting we make a casserole. Everyone needs food, and they have a huge family, and it’s hard to stop and cook with so much going on. So mom spoke with JR’s mom earlier this week and asked what day would be good. We ended up spending most of Saturday morning putting together an enchilada casserole to deliver. I still wanted to avoid but knew I couldn’t. We headed over there in the late afternoon and luckily for my introverted soul the only people at the house were JR’s parents and his aunt/uncle. We hugged, we talked for a while, and then we had the excuse that we were leaving for church, which I was happy to have.

Yesterday was the viewing. We got there just before 5pm and the place was quickly filled. I saw JR when I walked in but didn’t hug him until the end. It was too awkward to go up front. It lasted until just after 7pm. Went up, hugged his dad/mom, and his brother’s daughter [who’s only 18. that poor girl.]. His mom told me that everyone ate enchiladas the day before and they were great. hah. Then I went to hug JR’s sister and she pulled me in tight and gave me a good squeeze. She was saying things about the food but she was on my left side and I couldn’t hear anything except stuff about them being excellent. They all seemed very grateful to have had them [and they were good] so I’m glad we came up with that plan in the end.

When I went to hug JR after that he didn’t reach around for the hug so we ended up in a side thing where he put his arm around my back and squeezed me. He was making jokes about the food [mom later told me he smelled a lot like alcohol which I didn’t smell but wouldn’t doubt. I didn’t get close enough to his face.] then he told me to give him a freaken hug, which I’d been trying to do, so we pulled each other close for a bit. As I walked away he reached for my hand and ended up holding on to it as I walked out the side door. He must have been drinking because he’s only affectionate with me like that when he drinks. He knows I don’t like to be touched. Also his girl was sitting down on the bench near him [I didn’t even say hi since she wasn’t standing and I went straight for him…oops] and I didn’t want her to think anything. She’s always been a little off around me. And hopefully she’s never overheard his family saying things about how they wanted me for him. =\

So that was that. This morning was the funeral/celebration of life thing. We got there about 20 minutes before the 11am start time and it was already packed. We ended up standing against a far wall and of course I was a limping mess by the time it was over. I’m fine if I’m moving but standing in one place causes everything to get stiff and I have to work up to [mostly] full motion again. My foot was asleep for most of it anyway. But it was our fault. We knew it would be packed and should have gone a lot sooner. I just didn’t realize how small the Baptist church in town is. Also men don’t stand up for women anymore. hah.

It was a nice little service and we had to cut out after to come to work instead of going to the burial. They were having a get-together after here in town but I don’t think we’ll be done anytime soon. These clients had double the work and they’re barely starting the 2nd half at almost 2:30. [Yeah. Didn’t get out until 5:30…]
Also, in a weird sidenote: I’m pretty sure their daughter is the one that works at the coffee shop next door and hardcore makes out with her bf in the parking lot during her breaks. It’s kinda gross honestly. Just way too much for a public space. I glanced over the other day [on accident!] and it looked like they were filming a porno in the back seat. A little awkward to watch her walk in here all innocently and polite. haha. At least most of the time she’s in their van with tinted windows. =|

I’m hoping I can get out of here soon. I’m starting to get hungry and the client’s joking about delivering treats to me with his drone.

Speaking of that guy: I know I mentioned some stuff about him the other day but I don’t think I mentioned how fb’s gossip feed showed me that his gf tagged him in a car show post and asked if he wanted to go. It was this last weekend in a city about 3hrs away. He responded “sure” and that’s all I saw.

Now I have no idea what goes on in the background. Obviously I don’t have access to their texts/messages/whatever. FB isn’t that connected. ;) But that’s what I saw and here’s what happened on my end: I’m pretty sure we spoke every single day last week. We said good night around 10pm on Friday night. Then he dropped off the face of the earth and I didn’t hear from him again until yesterday at almost 8pm. Hmm? Suspicious…

The text was about arriving home to a plate of brownies. I played it real cool and casual after joking about brownies and asked if he was coming from somewhere fun.
Dude totally avoided the question!! Interesting… I mean he didn’t even have to tell me he was with her if he was. He could have said he went to a car show in city and that’s it. It’s not like I’d question it. But he’s making himself seem suspicious by avoiding when he normally wouldn’t do that. Guilty conscious giving him away. hah. It’s not even a big deal! I don’t care!

I do care that he seems to be trying to hide and/or sneak around though. I shouldn’t be surprised. I’ve dealt with enough boy stuff over the last couple of years to know that I was holding on to false illusions my whole life, but he’s supposed to be one of the good ones!

I’ve actually been chastising myself saying things about how he was exactly what I asked for. There’s an entry around here I’m too lazy to look up from last July/Aug and I was basically begging the world to let me get over my crazy feelings. I wanted someone new and whatever. Then lo and behold like the very next day the client magically finds me on fb when everyone else says it’s so hard to find me! I doubt we’ve gone more than a week without speaking since then. And he’s been nice, kind, checks on me, shows concern, actually talks!, jokes, etc. All things I’ve wanted from someone. I just haven’t been able to get over the fact that I don’t feel a spark in person and struggle to converse for long. Does that really matter though? Am I being stupid? Not taking something that’s been good and instead spending my life chasing after men that clearly do not want to be caught.

Yup. I’m probably an idiot.

rose.
9:59pm

Last updated June 12, 2018