A tough habit to break. The kids are in bed, I have a few minutes...I thought, "I'll go update."
And immediately, before I could reroute my fingers, typed "open diary".
Wow. 13 years worth of conditioning is going to take a bit more than a few weeks to undo.
heavy sigh
There was a period of time on OD when I wasn't writing. And it wasn't always that I didn't want to write or anything. Sometimes the site was just down, or abysmally slow, when I wanted to. (shock)
But there were other times that I didn't have time, or when I wanted to update, I couldn't really figure out what I wanted to say.
What is there to say?
When last I left my amazing, often shit-filled life, I had learned that for the FIFTH (count with me, cause my own son can do it, One...two...three...four...FIVE!) time, my husband had mismanaged our finances, lied, lied again, and threw us into a proverbial financial ditch. This was twice in a year.
It turned into him having to take a second job for about 2.5 months to cover the deficit. It was actually from September until December, but he was only paid for a short time because of the type of job he had. He had to do a lot of unpaid training.
In the meantime, I opened a separate checking account, something I previously had never wanted to NEED to do. I know some of you are married and maintain separate finances and I never wanted that. I'm not criticizing those of you who do that - there may be good reasons for that. For me, I felt it was a separation of trust to do that but when you're where I've been so many times, where's the trust anyway?
I hoarded money and I didn't tell anyone. I was planning my escape. I saw an attorney on three different occasions and I made a lot of decisions that were predicated on me securing an apartment of my own, whether I was able to take the children with me or not. The expense of having both children with me (I truly didn't want to split them up) even with alimony and child support, was truly a challenge, and so I considered leaving them with Jon; essentially giving him full physical custody while I would be the "visiting" parent.
I had a separate spreadsheet where I tracked everything I saved and everything I was going to need. This whole time, Jon knew nothing. I kept my silence. I didn't do anything either way.
As we prepared to celebrate Christmas this year, I mentally told myself it was the last time we would celebrate Christmas together. I loved Jon but I knew I had not been happy in years and I didn't see a way for me to be happy in the relationship. I simply wasn't getting the things I needed, and my children's future was being mortgaged by a man who was sworn to protect us. Instead, he was a liar, and a whole year of therapy hadn't improved his circumstances.
But then Jon left his job. He left his job because for months, he had been under increasing stress at his job. His now-former boss had actually met with another member of Jon's now-former staff and discussed in detail an office without Jon in charge.
It was a blessing that he was actually offered a position at a very large company (if I said the name, you'd actually KNOW the company for once! lol) at a corporate level. In spite of the desperate nature of his job search, he actually interviewed SUCCESSFULLY for a position that was truly a step up for him in his career. So many of his previous interviews were failures, but he was able to land this one.
It required him to be without a paycheck for over a month; between the time he resigned and the time he would receive another paycheck.
Guess what happened to all of that hoarded, hidden money?
You guessed right. All gone. All but $1,000 of it had to be spent to support our family, pay our bills, and survive without an income.
During that time between when he started his new job and left his old one, we took a long weekend to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. I longed for it to be a transformative experience. We brought the provisions to really try and reconnect. Yes, I was trying.
We had a nice time but I'll be honest...it wasn't the transformation I'd hoped for. It wasn't as if I drove home from Vermont thinking, "Ahh. Yes. We'll get it."
Instead, I was left reflecting on my own life, my own desires, and how those fit in with my husband's and our family life.
I remember one night sitting alone and dreaming of leaving it all...leaving my children...running to some large city and starting a life as a graduate student and having a career. I wanted to pull a Kramer Vs Kramer (it's an old movie and you have to see it if you never have, because it's really good). I was going to be Meryl Streep in that movie. Self fulfillment. I could finally have what I wanted, I could live a life that made me proud instead of sometimes sick. I could look myself in the mirror and not see a sell-out fraidy cat who kept her family together for the sake of her children. Maybe someday I would find that man I dreamed of, the man that I thought Jon was but clearly wasn't. Maybe he would be out there and if I challenged myself, I would find him.
And the truth is, I haven't yet solved that argument for myself. I've accepted that the money I had is gone and my opportunity has vanished. I accept that I want to keep my children together if I can. I know I love my husband. I also know I feel historically undervalued. I know that I have dreams that I may never realize because I am attached to him. I know there are ways that he will just never meet my needs. I know there will be arguments that simply never go away. There will be things in my life with him that I just will never solve.
I also know there are still unanswered questions. Does he have an anxiety disorder, ADHD, something else? Will we ever know? What about his weight, the fact that he MUST quit smoking, his poor health? His defensiveness, his irritability?
Am I just destined to never be happy?
(And don't give me 'happiness is a choice'. I get it, and I'm not listening. I'm trying to choose happiness, but it just isn't that simple. And I know love is a choice too. Believe me, my fingers are bleeding as I have held on.)
The answers are that I don't know. I honestly don't know.
In April, I will have been married for ten years. Ten very long years. TEN YEARS. It's hard to believe double digits.
I don't know the future. For now, I know that I am here. I don't know what the future holds. I am trying to sort out a lot; I want to have respect for myself and my decisions and I still struggle with that.
There is your update. Forgive me for leaving anyone "hanging" (as if my life is so compelling and important that I would do that. So forgive if that sounds utterly conceited)
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