M and lonliness... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

  • June 6, 2018, 8:52 p.m.
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Today has been absolutely horrible internally. I can’t get M out of my head. I haven’t heard from her since October. She did me very wrong in a way that she knew I wouldn’t be able to take. She knew I wouldn’t be able to recover any part of our friendship or relationship from what she did. And she did it. Yet, I miss her. I miss her texts every day. She grounded me. I miss her being around. I miss snuggling with her on the couch and watching movies. I miss our conversations. Yeah, I miss the physical aspect of our relationship too. But there’s no way I could ever take her back. Not after that. And it kills me.
Today’s been a bitch. My depression has absolutely kicked my ass. I think that’s part of why I’m thinking about her. It’s been getting worse throughout the day. I left work 20 minutes early without saying anything, came home, and have avoided people. I just don’t want to talk to anyone else today.
I did have a good chat with one of my customers. Longer chat than I should have had, but still. We talked about mental issues, oddly. People in her family have Asperger’s (like me), bi-polar (also like me), schizo, or some combination. It was nice to talk to someone who has first hand experience with these disorders, someone who understands what it means for those who have it. Being surrounded by people who don’t get it is extremely isolating to me. Guess that’s why I’m on here. I think that’s also what I would need in someone I’m going to date; someone who understands how broken I am, what it’s like, and what it can cause. I’m not likely to find that.
Truth told, I’m not likely to find anyone. Outside of work, I don’t want to do anything out, because I don’t like going out alone. I want to go hike the trails around here, or go to the beach, or a road trip, or go fishing, things like that. I’ve lived here 8 years, and every year I’ve said I’m going to learn to ski or snowboard, since I’m so close to the mountains. It’s never happened. Yeah I’ve been up to the ski areas, but just on a drive. I’m still working on trying to overcome my “get in and get out” mentality when I go grocery shopping. I have to consciously remind myself to slow down, browse, see if there’s anything else I might want, instead of sticking to the list in my head.
This all said, I don’t like being alone. But I’m screwed because I don’t like going out alone. So how in the hell am I supposed to meet someone? Online isn’t any help. I have to say the words. I have to admit it to myself, more than just words in my head. I’m lonely. More so than I realised. It just really hit today. The problem with being me is I am lonely, I know how to fix it, but my own internal bs won’t let me.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. It’s getting hard to take.

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