As Expected in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

When I left for my workout yesterday… I had forgotten that it was the first day of Summer Vacation for most schools. And it was 98 degrees. UFDA! So… every parent dropped their child off at the pool and let the lifeguards be babysitter. This wouldn’t be a problem if any of those parents had taught their children the difference between “fun pool” and “lap pool.” You see… the gym I go to has 3 pools. 1 Outdoor, 1 Indoor, 1 “kiddie” pool. The indoor pool is always set for laps therefore should be used FOR LAPS not for “kids playtime.” Nobody told those little bastards. There are seven lanes in the lap pool. Lane 1 had an old lady doing Water Aerobics. Lane 2 had 3 kids in it playing with pool equipment. Lane 3 had 2 kids just sitting around chatting. Lane 4 was empty. Lane 5 had an older man doing laps. Lane 6 was empty (I took 6) and Lane 7 had 5 kids all screwing around. I tried to ignore it and just keep swimming. But at the 500 yard mark, I actually started feeling wake. The kids were screwing around so much, it was literally affecting my ability to swim! So at 600, I said fuck it and left.

(For this next part, I am reminding the reader that on Thursday, I asked Wife if we could have sex on Friday.)

Came home… followed shortly by Wife. She wanted to go back out and do more shopping. So much shopping this week. So, we left and shopped until about 7 at the mall. We came home and Wife watched several episodes of The Grand Tour show. I took a shower… shave, brush teeth, floss, mouth wash, cologne… doing everything to make myself more sexually appealing.

As expected… I asked her about sex and she was very no. Sober so I suppose I should have expected it. We went to bed and I dialed in Futurama for her. I got close to her… she mocked my erection. Reminded me that she was certainly not interested. I suppose I should feel ZERO surprise over this. Whenever I try to initiate (in any way) it is a no. Ever since we got married, whenever any sex happened.... at least one of us was drunk. So… Sober and me initiating? Yeah… pretty much guaranteed to end in a rejection at best. Mocking or worse at worst. Awesome. Great. Terrific. Fantastic.

I do have to giver her credit though… sadly. I told her earlier Friday that a little “cuddling” could really help me relax and sleep well. After rejecting me for sex and making me feel bad about it, I rolled over to my right side (thus getting onto our usual sleeping position where our backs face each other) and instead of turning her back on me (as usual)… she sidled up and did Big Spoon. Big Spoon from a 5 foot woman on a 5‘7 man is a bit different but… honestly, it really did do a lot for my mood, my relaxation, and my ability to feel… just calm. I could have almost fallen asleep in that position. Of course, she pulled away and returned to her typical sleeping position. But I do give her credit for at least trying that little bit? I suppose.

Meanwhile, though? I am left contemplating our sexual and emotional “possessions”. I am starting to feel like… frankly… Wife is incapable or inept or just unwilling to do anything that isn’t entirely her idea, her desire, her wants/needs. It is something I need to consider. I definitely think we need counseling. But here’s the shitty thing. I want us to go to counseling for two reasons. (1) I want to know if she’s willing and/or capable of working on this relationship. (2) I want an impartial 3rd party to let me know “you’ve tried. she hasn’t.” In other words… if we’re salvageable… I want to salvage things. If we’re not? Just like with everything in my life… apparently… if not… I need someone who I can trust to be impartial to let me know the right course of action. God… when I say it that way.... I really am turning into Harvey Two Face, aren’t I?

TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD A TAD (maybe)…
I downloaded the Demo for “Detroit: Become Human.” So far? I love it. The demo starts with an almost Arkham-Knight-Like Detective Mode. Then a branching dialogue tree attempting to settle a hostage situation. (Of course, I saved the hostage with a “probability” of 100%… sadly, you don’t deal with Criminals for as long as I have and not have an edge there. Though now that I think about it… fuck. I’ve been dealing with criminals since 2012. 4 more years, I should throw a party, lol). Of course… that one little vignette was the ENTIRE demo so… makes me curious/concerned. Demos can show THE BEST of a game if tailored tightly. A full controlled demo experience can mask bugs, diminish glitches, and remove problems. That is what Detroit Demo felt like. I miss the older days of Demos when I used to get a PC CD with a magazine and I could try entire levels. Ah, those were the days. I wouldn’t even read the bloody magazine. I’d just rip it open, grab the disc, and run to the computer. Of course, I would peruse the CD’s “Gamer Girls of the Month” picture folder, and then I’d dive headlong into demo after demo after demo. For me? That was the best I could do. My parents were very clear that they would never prevent me from accessing entertainment I wanted to enjoy… provided three things were understood. (1) No sexual content; (2) No graphic violence; (3) Entertainment Expenses were required to be entirely my money… no parental kick in if I wanted to buy something for entertainment and didn’t have the funds. The funny thing? This typically worked. They would confiscate anything with sexual content and make me feel shitty that I had it. Until it came to Dark City. I loved that movie. I loved that movie so much, I didn’t even realize it had sexual content! I think that’s why my parents let me keep it after I bought it. They watched it with me and realized that the Hooker and the Dead Girl weren’t sexual (at least, I didn’t see them that way) but that they were “Victim Number 1” and “Potential Victim”. I loved murder mysteries and gravitated towards classic Detective Noire when I was still in Primary School. Of course… the rules prevented me from allowing them to know that I had purchased the HBO “Spawn” animated series… but fuck them (was my thought.) I never snuck out of the house, I never stole their booze, I never fucked a girl in High School… I was too busy for any of that. I was running myself ragged trying to be the Good Well Rounded Child. If I wanted Todd Mcfarlane’s masterpiece as voiced by Keith David… that’s what I was going to get. Yes, the scene where the woman is moaning with sexual pleasure made me harder than Titanium Tungsten (still does), but that isn’t the reason I bought it.

WOW. That devolved into a weird tangent and I deeply apologize. Where I had intended that to go: I couldn’t purchase Computer Games unless I paid for them and allowed my parents to watch me play. So those Demo Discs were my only exposure to some amazing games I still remember and adore even though I only ever played the demo!
A picture of one such demo: “Blood” from 1997… yeah, in many ways it was a Doom/Wolfenstein/Quake… but I loved it. Much like Hexen 2:

My body finally said “We’re going to heal, dammit!” I kept falling asleep all day… like… all day. I woke up, my body still hurt, I went to another room, and fell asleep. I woke up 6 hours later. So.... I got 15 hours of sleep just so my body would heal. Hooo boy.

Of course… sleeping all day was probably wise as hell. Today was the day Wife wanted to work on her costume most. This was complicated by a few things. First, Wife discovered that David Tennants Q&A was today. So now, she’s sad that she missed the Q&A. However, she needed today to work on her costume. Working on her costume causes frustration and rage, of course. But the most bizarre thing to me? She has to stop and explain what she’s doing every few minutes. I don’t mean to be rude but… (1) I don’t care. I don’t need to know how her costume is being sewn together. (2) I don’t understand. The only thing I know about sewing is hand sewing costume repairs… the fact that she is telling me everything about her machine and the hassles of “changing feet” and “swapping spools” and all of that? Yeah… I don’t understand and I don’t care… and if you’re worried about getting finished before a deadline… focus on your work. Stop pausing every ten minutes to explain something and just focus on your work.

I can’t imagine how it would have been if I’d been awake and participating in life before 4 p.m. today!

The rest of the night? Wife working on her costume and watching The Grand Tour. Me writing to my Therapist. Me reading Prosebox and noting (hopefully). Me ordering Pizza and getting fuel in my car. And… that’s it. Unless by some misery, Wife and I wind up fighting. Or by some miracle, Wife and I end up being affectionate. Unless either of those? A continued night of mostly just… Wife doing what she’s doing and me working and living around that.