go get it in 2018

3:11pm

I am back home after the quick OR trip.

It wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating. Honestly, it was completely fine. I don’t know why it always feels like such a hassle to go out there. I’ve noticed the last couple of times I’ve dreaded the trip and then could not wait to be back in my own home. Not sure why. I travel a lot and that’s maybe the only trip I feel that way about. Some thing to think about and process later, I guess.

It was alright though. We left Sunday morning, around 7ish, and made such excellent time. We always give ourselves about a 12 hr timeline because we know we’ll stop to eat and stuff. Made it to the casino in 8 hours and after food and rest, made it the rest of the way in about an hour and half. So 9.5 hours total. That is really excellent time! No traffic, no idiots on the road blocking the path, all in all a good travel day!

They gave us a room overlooking the river, which was really beautiful. We rested that night and called my uncle the next morning to get together. He seemed happy to see us. He always gets excited and I wish we were closer, but it’s just hard to get out there that often. We went shopping and then dropped him off to rest since it was still too early for dinner. Originally we were going to go back to the hotel to rest ourselves but ended up at another shopping center. I mostly sat in the car, listened to music, and scrolled through my phone a bit. So weird having that technology available now. Actually came in handy because we forgot our GPS and would have seriously been lost without the maps on the phone. I’m pretty good at navigating [not to toot my own horn ;) ] so that’s good. Usually I can travel once or twice down a path and then memorize the directions. I have the best mental recall for the strangest things. haha. Can’t seem to remember a lot of important things though, like when asked to do something and completely forgetting!

Worked out perfectly fine though. Took him out to dinner later that night then went back early to the hotel. Next day we got together a little later to be able to check-out and pack our bags. We took care of business at his retirement place on Tuesday since we’d totally spaced about Monday being a holiday and no one being at work. Oh well. It was good we were already planning on staying later on Tuesday anyway. We went to lunch after and hung out for a bit before we left. He made a comment about us staying longer next time but he seriously doesn’t want to do anything and/or go anywhere so what’s the point? Just to hang out and stare at each other? No thanks. I’ve got other stuff to do and it’s not cheap to stay in a hotel.

I expected to get home really late last night but we actually made it home just a little after 10pm. Unloaded the car, had a drink [or two..] on my couch and went to bed.

I’m at work today. Luckily didn’t have to start until noon. I guess I could be doing actual work but that’s ok. I pretty much only have JR’s stuff to work on and I’m not feeling it. He’s becoming quite independent in his work. Taking on a lot more of the responsibility. Normally I’d be bummed about the lack of income I’ll have as he does more and more on his own, but the dude doesn’t even pay me so I think we’ll be fine. As long as he doesn’t screw anything up it’s good that he’s getting his own work done. I certainly wasn’t being paid to be his secretary and it was always a fight with mom about not collecting from him. I’m too easy going when it comes to enforcing the bill collection. That’s why I’m not made to run my own stuff. I honestly prefer not having all that responsibility on my shoulders.

As much as I enjoy basically being self-employed I’m way better at clocking in and clocking out and not taking work home with me. As a kid I always wanted to be a doctor until I realized I would literally hold people’s lives in my hands and I couldn’t handle that. It gives me anxiety and stress and I’d rather travel through life in a more carefree relaxed state. Same reason I tend to stick my head in the sand and stay ignorant. It’s too hard on my mental state to be in charge of everything.

Also an issue that is becoming quite taxing on my mental state: the fact that I seem to attract inappropriate behavior near me. Inappropriate in the sense that it’s stuff I’d [and a lot of other people] prefer not to see in public. ie: grabbing ass, hardcore makeout sessions, sex in cars, etc. I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe I’m hyper aware of these things? I’ve always been pretty good about noticing the little things going on around me that most people are unaware of, but this is too much.

I mean, do whatever the hell you want, and I get that sex is like thee thing now. There was a whole sexual revolution and everyone is SUPER open about it, but come on! I don’t need to see that in front of a coffee shop, or in a rest area, or at dinner in a family setting. Yes, I’m a little bit of a prude probably but there is a time and a place for all that stuff. I’m sorry, but there is!
I also get that I did not grow up around affectionate people. I’m way more modest than most [in public] and was raised fairly conservatively. But there’s a huge difference between showing your partner affection and sticking your hand down the inside of his/her pants in public.

I wish I could somehow turn my radar off from noticing these things and be oblivious to it, but I cannot seem to figure out how to do that. And if that’s the case I need to figure out how to keep it from bothering me and creating such an internal reaction to it. Not in a good way!

Anyway, other life stuff…let’s see…

The rest of my skin has now decided to start peeling. Parts of me that weren’t even burnt and barely tan. I probably need to use more lotion but that always seems to irritate my skin. Allergy maybe? I should look into this before I turn into a snake again.

I thought I might see Lucas today but he didn’t show up. Not sure if he’s gotten any paperwork yet. I’m tempted to check in but probably won’t. I’m also not sure if he showed up yesterday expecting us to be here since it was Wednesday. He’ll come around eventually, that I am sure of.

I really want to contact TF. I mentioned this already but I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I think I am going to reach out to him. I know, stupid idea. I’m a moron. I’ll probably regret it later and everyone will give me a super hard time about it! Oh well. I wish I had someone I could run this idea by but I don’t so I’m going to have to make the decision on my own.

It’s just that I really, really want to get back into photography and I cannot find any inspiration. Every thing I take looks like crap to me. And I think a trip through nature and through the hills is just what I need. I want to take pictures again and see the beauty in the world around me. I haven’t lost that ability but I can’t seem to translate it to a lasting picture any more. I need a hobby to occupy my time.

I can’t think of anyone else to take me out either. I keep thinking about asking the client instead but my immediate next thought is how boring our conversations are in person. I like the guy, texting is great, and he’s so nice, but we have very little in common. We end up talking work or one of his many hobbies. I’m just not that into paintball though, or Star Wars, or drones, or whatever nerdy thing he does. haha. I’m not opposed to these things but I can’t go on and on about them either. And thinking about being out in the middle of nowhere with nothing else to distract him seems like a situation I definitely don’t want to be in.

I’ve been alone with TF before. I’m not worried about needing to entertain him, especially if I actually get to tag along on a hunt like I’d like. But even if it’s just the two of us it wouldn’t matter.

I am ever so slightly worried about getting together with him again and falling into all those old patterns though. Like being really attracted to him and getting distracted by how sexy he’ll look in camouflage. haha! Really that’s my main concern. Although I do feel like I’ve grown up a lot since then and can handle myself better even if a flirtation starts up again.

Worst case scenario [so far that I can come up with…] I can’t join them on a hunting trip and he doesn’t suggest any other outings. I would be bummed about not getting to hang out with him, obviously, but also would have to come up with an alternate idea for the photography which after months of contemplating still haven’t been able to come up with. I am going to give him the option of just pointing me in the right direction too though so he has an out if he wants it. I’m not trying to force us to be friends again.

I guess, now that I think about it, the real worst case scenario would actually be that he doesn’t respond at all. hah. My current plan is to start with something super simple like “Hi TF” in an email and see what happens. If it goes anywhere I’ll eventually suggest calling and/or texting me since I know he’s not a big email fan. Also I’m curious to know if he still has my number. haha. Last time we talked I was still on my old phone and texting was such a pain, which is why I switched over to email. Now it doesn’t make any difference, actually it’s probably easier to text since I’ll get a notification instantly and not have to constantly check my email out of curiosity.

If I do this though, I am not going to get all obsessed with it. He’ll be like any other person. I am not going to sit around staring at my phone in anticipation. I don’t want to be like that at all. And if I can do it with the client than I sure as heck can do it with him.
As long as nothing changes between now and then I think I’ll probably send the test email tomorrow night. We’ll see. I could chicken out given our history. I’ll update for sure.

I saw this thing yesterday that someone shared on fb about constantly being torn between if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen and if you really want something, go out and get it. Those words are so damn true in my life every single day.

Ok. I should go do something productive before I continue to rattle on about whatever topic pops into my head.

rose.
5:16pm

p.s. I left work a little later than planned and eventually got to see my little buddy B from Montana. He’s visiting the neighbors and he’s so big and yet still so little in my eyes. He’s taller and skinny and grown up. He’ll probably hang with us tomorrow since his gma convinced him to go home tonight because we hadn’t had dinner yet. So cute. I love that kid. =)

Also, the reason I got out of work late: we were waiting on a client. Older guy, wife, a couple of kids. He dropped off paperwork and as he was leaving he walked up to me to thank me for waiting [most people skip me, caught me off guard] and shook my hand. I noticed as I pulled away he held on a little longer and lingered over my hand. So weird. Such soft hands. Kinda gave me a second thought about him I’d never had before. I don’t know why he did it. It was probably nothing at all, but I felt it. I wish I didn’t notice things like that either. Silly brain.

Last updated June 01, 2018