only hate the road when you're missing home in 2018

9:59pm

I want to type this up tonight but I don’t know how well my motivation will hold up. So many thoughts swirling around. I am having trouble processing though. This place always tends to help with that so we’ll see how it goes!

There isn’t anything big going on. Nothing shocking. Nothing really new in terms of big life events. Just thoughts.

People are coming over tomorrow afternoon to celebrate my birthday again [for the 3rd time haha!]. My mom has put together a menu of my choosing. Choclo, pasta/salad type thing, french bread, and cheesecake! The salad we haven’t had in a long time but it sounded good. The cheesecake is a new recipe but smells delicious! And I think she’s putting some kind of roast meat in the slow cooker that might be similar to brisket, which is also on my favorites list. We have some appetizers and it should be a good time. My biggest issue is deciding what to drink - beer or liquor? haha.

Actually I’m going to need to find time to get the house ready, check in on the office, and pack because we’re probably leaving early Sunday morning to go to OR. I’m not feeling it but you do what you gotta do. I’ll probably be really easy going about the packing thing. A couple pairs of pants, some shirts, a jacket. I’m not even going to worry about it. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I don’t have any important events to attend. Basically we’re driving out there one day, going to visit my uncle the next, shopping and eating with him, maybe grabbing lunch again the next day, and heading back home. It’ll be a super quick turnaround. Just checking in on my uncle and spending a little time with him. He’s been asking when we’re going to visit for a while now since we tend to go around this time of year.

I don’t know why the thought of OR triggers weird feelings in me. I don’t know if there are memories I’m not connecting to or what. Maybe it’s because I know we have so much to do around here. I don’t know. It’s certainly not Hawaii. ;)

I was talking to mom the other day and I mentioned how I’d started to look into renting a place in N/S Carolina for next summer. I found stuff for around 800/month, but who knows what will be available next summer. I said this to her [as we were driving by our own beautiful ocean after an impromptu taco Tuesday!] and she goes, “why don’t you do it now? June-Aug. We could have a place to stay when we go…” And honestly it caught me off guard because I hadn’t thought about that. About how possible that could be. Seriously. I could go this year!

Obviously not June, that’s way too close! But I could start in July if I wanted to. I have zero obligations or commitments for July-Sept. There are some work things, but I could get out of them or manage to do them long distance. I don’t actually need to be here. It’s doable. I have the money too. The means. Everything. I could literally call up a rental place, set it up, pack a bag, and fly out there for the summer. There is nothing holding me back.

Except, you know, the unknown. Fear, reality, my rational mind. Could I really do this? Just pack up and go. Would I get approved having not rented in 5+ years? Should I really rent a place over the internet without checking it out? I don’t know. I would so love to be that spontaneous and adventurous! But I’m really not. I need to have my ducks in a row. I like knowing what I’m getting into.

Something to look into and spend some more time contemplating! It could be the craziest thing ever. I’m just not sure I’m ready to do that right now.

In random news:
1) My skin is looking so much better. Pretty sure my snake skin has finally run through it’s peeling stage. I’m all sorts of different colors now. hah. My rash is healing very nicely. I’m not so afraid of permanent scarring anymore. The numbness I was feeling under my right arm has started to subside. I’m pretty sure it was all connected, at least that’s what I hope.

2) I thought about moving my doc appointment up but I think I’ll leave it for the middle of June. We’re looking into probably getting a recommendation to a big time hospital up North and hoping for new answers. Or any answer at all. I don’t know. I need to sit down and compile a list/timeline of all tests/meds/scans/etc that have been done. I don’t mind people repeating but I definitely hope that a new doc won’t just hear my history, glance at my records, and agree to the pseudo-negative diagnosis. We’ll see. I’m not getting my hopes up. I know how these things go.

3) Pretty much every day I have to pull myself away from contacting TF. I’ve been wanting to send a quick message. Something like, “can we be friends again?” I haven’t, obviously, but every day I really want to. Just to start things up again. A friend thing. Not like the “friend” thing we had before. Because that was mixed up and confused with the attraction. A real friend thing though. It’s crazy. I know I just want to have my cake and eat it too. =|

4) I saw his brother Lucas on Wednesday. He was waiting for us when we got there. I thought he was sitting in a white truck but I realized it was a Ford and he’s usually in a Dodge so I let it go. Went into the office and went about my business. I stared out the window and could see him sitting in the truck and thought about how it looked a lot like TF. I watched him for a little while but then moved on. I was in the middle of vacuuming when I saw him start to walk up and it turned out to be Lucas and not TF. I put everything away but I guess he’d turned around and gone back to the truck because he was on the phone.
He did eventually come in with the paperwork he failed to bring last week. He apologized for not showing up. Said he got busy with the fair. [Mentioned 3 kids instead of 2 which I’m still super curious about!] I’d called him that day and he had to leave town but said he was going to try to come back before 6. Never showed.

He’s so much like TF in terms of personality. He started touching every thing on my desk and mom called him out on it. I said it wasn’t like I wasn’t used to it. My thoughts on him are a little muddled. I can’t be interested in him. It’s too complicated and he’s too old. At one point he started whistling along to Passenger’s Let Her Go and it surprised me. I don’t even know if he actually knows the song or just started whistling with the music.

He does keep singing this one song that has my name in it though. Asking if I know it. Last time when I questioned if he knew the rest of the lyrics he said he did but wasn’t going to sing to me. This time he didn’t say much. Just kept singing my name over and over again.
And he has an obsession with trying to figure out how old I am. He started asking when I graduated from high school and I told him it was the same question. He’s still trying to determine my age. But he said that he just wanted to know if I went to school with any of his brothers. I told him we’d already determined that TF is the youngest and I did not go with him. He’s tried so many tactics though. Asking about my brother and how old he is. Stuff like that. He’s guessed right but I’ve never confirmed.

I keep telling him that his brother knows and he should ask him but I don’t know why he doesn’t want to do that. Either TF doesn’t remember how old I am or Lucas doesn’t want to ask him about me. Whatever.

This guy does make me laugh and we have a good time. I like how easy it was to connect with him and get along. I can’t say that I hate that he keeps having to come in.

We talk quite a bit about TF when he’s in our office [ie: I made a joke about him being on fb; he said he was looking for his brother b/c he’s always on]. I know that he knows something. He’s the only one I think knows anything. sigh It doesn’t matter though. I’m an idiot..

I need to get to bed now. Long, busy day tomorrow.

rose.
11:11pm