accept what's real in 2018

6:33pm

I’m sitting in the car waiting because I’ve been inside all day and figured I should at least see the outside world. Make sure it hasn’t gone up in flames or something.

Today just didn’t feel like my day. I woke up in the middle of the night with this weird pain in my upper back. I’ve felt it twinge since the morning after I got home. Probably means I need to go back to Hawaii. 😏 But anyway I was up and could not get comfortable. I didn’t want to take any medication hoping it would go away, which it eventually did. Still annoying for a while though since every position hurt.

I have an alarm set on my phone for 9am in case I’m not up by then. All the time zones are hard to get used to and hey I’m not working right now. Sleep is my favorite luxury! Everyone gives me a hard time about it so it’s a well known fact I love sleep. Most of the time I’m up before it but today it went off and I just wanted to sleep. I knew though that I could easily go a few more hours so I forced myself awake. It was clear today would be an easy day and I reminded myself not to feel guilty. I need a me day now and then for my own sanity.

So that’s how it went. Live pd reruns and trashy tv. Continuing to catch up on entries after some how falling 6 pages behind. Honestly if my mom wasn’t around to feed me I probably wouldn’t have gotten up to eat at all. I have no idea what I’ll do if she’s ever gone but I guess I’ll wing it like I usually do.

Anyway looking back on my last entry I didn’t mean to go on a spiel about TF. As I mentioned it was going to come out sooner or later but not necessarily in that entry. He has been on my mind a lot, not that that’s unusual. The sheriff is the only one that has been able to distract me from him and the day after he didn’t show up in [beach town] I immediately started thinking about TF again. Not even on purpose!! He’s always come up while travelling too so that’s not new.

I think I just need to learn to accept the fact that I’m always going to want him and carry on with life. There are tons of people out there that still think about their first love. Not that I was in love with him, he never gave me that chance, but he’s the closest I’ve ever been. So maybe that’s just something I have to live with now.

That seems ok. It’s not a big deal. I’m starting to realize that no matter how hard I focus on all the reasons it sucked I’m still going to remember all the good. I can’t let that go even if I want to. I need to accept that. Maybe I’m not supposed to let those feelings go? He did make me feel better than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I didn’t even know I had the potential to feel that good! I don’t want to lose that.

I also learned a lot about myself and a ton about what I want in a man. He solidified a lot of the ideas that I already had. Stuff I didn’t want to compromise on. Now I know my nonnegotiables and what I’m willing to work on. I definitely held back with him [for good reason apparently] and I take some of the blame. As close as he was able to get to me I was still only showing him such a small part of myself. I can totally understand why he could get frustrated. Not that he doesn’t have a lot of blame in this. I’m definitely not going to excuse his behavior. I just know he wasn’t alone. We didn’t understand each other at all and we never took the time to really try.

I feel like I still need closure and I don’t know how to go about getting that? It seems selfish. I just want him to know where I was coming from. For some crazy reason I want him to know I was into him. That I liked him and was completely attracted. I just couldn’t give him what he was after.
And I think about that last line and I feel like I’m taking on all the blame. But it’s true. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I think I need him to understand that. Like some how I need to spare his feelings and make him feel like it had nothing to do with him in that aspect. Boost his ego, or save his confidence, or something. Rid him of all those insecurities. It’s so silly. Clearly I have no idea what I’m doing. Trying to fix him the way he fixed me I guess. That’s what it always comes down to. My darn savior complex and wanting to fix everyone. I wrote about it before. Always feeling guilty for not being able to return the favor. Maybe that’s what this is?

I wish I could just call him up and talk to him without getting so damn nervous. We could be such good friends. I don’t know why I still feel that way but I imagine him sometimes and how nice it would be to sit and have a drink with him again.

I’ve been having dreams too. Again. I don’t remember much about them after I wake up, which I guess isn’t a bad thing. Last night’s involved hanging out with a bunch of kids that I knew were a part of his family [nephews?] and then seeing him walk in towards us. Except he was wearing glasses and he definitely doesn’t wear them in person. hah. Also in the dream I was talking to him on the phone. We were going over how he was supposed to call me months ago and didn’t. How he doesn’t show up or call when he’s supposed to. I was giving him a hard time in a teasing sorta way and we were laughing about it all. Which is totally something that would have, and has, happened in real life. I keep waking up feeling like he’s been near and we’ve spoken and it’s so weird.

Sometimes I see him on that “people you may know” list and I really want to click on it and add him as a friend. The only thing that’s holding me back is my pride, which is coming in handy in this case. I want him to find me. I want him to open his stupid eyes and see that I’m right in front of his face. I have a feeling he’s seen me but isn’t sure about adding me. I wish he’d just go for it but we all know that boy was never good at making a move! Ugh.

Why Am I Still Stuck On This!?!?!

Oops. What did I say about accepting this fact and moving on? heh. I’m terrible at this life game… =\

I wonder though if he thinks about me. It’s been sooo long. Does he have someone new? He must right? Does he hear a certain song and think about me the way I think about him? Does he drive by my office and wonder what I’m up to? Did his brother tell him about being in the office with us a couple weeks ago [and how my mom was asking him about TF trying to get the gossip! geez. Did I write about that??]. I just want to know if he ever wonders about me. That’s all.

We all know I’m not going to do anything about any of this. I’m going to let life play itself out. I’ve tried to force it too many times and I’ve always ended up on the wrong side of things. I don’t want to force it any more. I want to focus on myself and fixing my own world. I should take serious advantage of being single and responsibility free right now and accomplish all of those things on my list. [like I’m seriously going to start looking into renting a house on the east coast next summer!]

I need to be happy with where I’m at [and mostly I am!] because you never know when life can make a drastic turn in an unexpected direction.

rose.
10:47pm