Fingers crossed in The First Life

I keep projecting the things I long for, in my dreams, but only when I’m sleeping next to him.
I fall asleep in a buzzed haze and dream he tells me things I’ve been thinking about telling him.
His cat, who I’m growing on, falls asleep on my legs, but probably mostly to be sure I don’t get up without him being aware.
I consciously pet him until my eyes fall too heavy to keep up.

He gave me a space of comfort as my home was being rebuilt.
But that’s not all he is.
My life is rearranging, I am driven in chaos but I do not thrive in it.
He can feel that.
We sleep in and his tired eyes are always so blue and sharp in the morning.
He doesn’t say much, but when he chooses to, he says a lot.
Never afraid to tell me what he sees in me.
Always with his hands in my hair.
With his eyes directly on mine.
He’s quiet so it means so much when he says he’s glad he found me.
When he says he’s lucky.

He’s incredibly reliable.
Despite being in a relationship where I got the time I needed, I still assume with everyone else, that a million other things come first.
I awkwardly invite him to things, with hope in my voice but rooted disappointment in my heart.
He didn’t put it there, but it remains.
And still, every time, he comes through.
He sees me when I need.
Comes to things that are important.
Shows up to my games alone and watches and says he’s proud.
Meets my family without a second thought and goes anywhere I want.
I’m learning to assume he’d rather have me around than not. And that no matter what, he will make time for me.

He wanted to visit my new home, so I welcomed him in.
Told me he was proud of all that I had built.
Noted that I am alone, and strong, and have created so much.
I appreciate that he is not intimidated by that.
He doesn’t run, he doesn’t try to fix me, he isn’t afraid of my strength, and he nurtures the things about me that I like.

As time moves forward, for once I do not feel stuck in place.
I have a home and a yard and a million things to fix.
I have someone who sees me on Wednesdays, and Sundays and Saturdays and Fridays and any day I ask. Not because he has all the time in the world, but because he always makes the time.
I had to push through an emotional storm and had begun feeling afraid that storm would leave some lasting disaster.
I’ve been lucky though.
Maybe I’m catching my break.
Finally..at almost 28.