another go in 2018

8:38pm

So where did we last leave off? …

I guess it doesn’t matter honestly it’s probably all the same ol’ stuff anyway, right?

There are plenty of updates though! I’m back from Hawaii!! And Laughlin! and my birthday drinks/dinner last night! It was a packed few days. I left Friday for the weekend trip to Laughlin. Got back early Monday morning. Unpacked, washed, cleaned, repacked, and was up at 2:30am to get ready to hit the road again! By 10:30am [Hawaii time] Tuesday we were on the island getting lei’d. ;)

We had two friends with us and my uncle/aunt/4 cousins from TX arrived at the hotel within about an hour after we’d gotten there. I heard someone calling out “princess” and turned around to see my uncle who had walked in the opposite door from the one I was watching. haha. Hugs, laughter, happiness all around!!

I should probably do a quick breakdown of the whole trip because I know how I am and I doubt I’ll ever get around to it. I’m such a huge procrastinator! Always the best moments, the happiest times, get postponed and pushed back until I don’t even remember them anymore. I need to learn to just type things out quickly and move on. I guess I always want to include every little detail for future reference and that’s why I hold on to it for so long. My memory’s so horrible that these entries are all I have to look back on. It’s why I go into so much detail even when I don’t have to. I wouldn’t remember half the things that happen in my life if it weren’t for these words.

I’m at the office right now waiting for a client to wrap up but I should be heading home shortly. I hope the laptop is charged so I can finish this up.

Home now. On my favorite couch, sipping my favorite drink, and happy to be back in my normal routine. As much as I love travelling I miss this place when I’m gone. I don’t know if it’s a personality thing, or an astrology thing, but I love having a routine. I like being able to predict what I’m going to do, for the most part, and knowing I have a safe place to land at the end of the day. Somewhere I can let go and relax completely. That’s the part I’ll always miss about being away from home.

Before I get into the rest of the trip recap, which now I’m debating on putting off [haha typical!], there are some other things I really want to write about. I just feel a lot of changes coming on. I don’t know if it’s because of the birthday I had yesterday or life in general, but in this exact moment I feel like I’m ready for some changes. I want to be different. I want to find what truly brings me joy in life. That’s what I feel like I’m missing in my life - my true joy.

I know it won’t be easy to find. It’s not like I haven’t been looking for years. Something about searching now feels right though. Like this is the time I need to turn back towards myself and start looking for what is going to make me happy.

I think for a long time I thought I’d find happiness in a man. I know that’s not the way to look at life but the idea of a husband, a family, children, the whole deal was something I’ve always been drawn to. Now I’m not so sure. Maybe I’m not meant to find that one person I want to be with. Nobody else seems to be searching for their soulmate the way that I am. No one seems to feel the same way about it. I’ve always felt like there was only one person out there for me. But the more I learn about myself, and learn about other human beings, I start to question all that I’ve held on to for so long.

Not that that’s ever stopped me from anything. I’m not obsessed with the idea of a soulmate or any of that. It doesn’t consume me. I’m honestly so good on my own that it doesn’t bother me one bit to continue to stay single. I mean obviously I get lonely. I wouldn’t hate it if I had someone to hang out with and love. It’s ok if I don’t though. I survive just fine.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to explain that all away. I guess because of the aforementioned realization that most people don’t believe in things like that. I don’t know.

You have all read enough ramblings to know that, at the time, I felt like TF was the one. I couldn’t help how I felt. We don’t get to control those feelings, right? I always thought it was bullsh*t when people said things like that but now I understand. I had absolutely no control over how I felt. Thank God I was at least self-aware enough to realize I needed to slow down and make sure it was right before I jumped, but damn did I want to trust my gut and jump.

I still have trouble imagining feeling that way about someone else. I mean clearly I was blinded by whatever was going on. Enough to not even realize the very simple fact that the dude didn’t even want to spend time with me. But he’s still the only one I’ve ever even thought was worth a chance.

And I know I’ve gotten completely off topic here and gone on a rant but this stuff needed to be said anyway at some point. I thought about him a lot while I was gone. I miss him when I travel. The changes? The wanting to connect? I don’t know what it is. I feel like it’s simply because he’s the only man that’s really ever shown me any affection. Or perhaps he’s the only one I’ve let close enough to show me any affection. And that’s probably what I miss.

I craved human touch for so long. I remember being a little kid and just wanting someone to hold my hand. I always dreamed about stuff like that. Maybe people think about kissing, or sex, as the kind of intimate connection they crave. All I ever wanted was someone to hold my hand.

You know that part in the movie Wall-E where that little robot reaches out and holds her hand? That stuck with me. Just wanting to connect like that. All I ever wanted was someone to reach out to me.

It’s human nature, right? To crave that touch of another human being. I know I’m not crazy. Almost all of us are seeking that in life. I was just so starved of it that I put too much stock into it. That moment that he first reached over and covered my hand with his. I can still picture it perfectly. I can tell you all about how clear and dark the night sky was. The color of the dash lights that lit everything up just enough. The way he eventually took off his baseball cap and threw it on the dash and for the strangest reason I thought that was so sexy..and I imagined spending the rest of my life watching him do that at the end of a long day…

Anyway, I know that’s why I can’t let go. I know all the reasons that it didn’t work. I know all the ways in which it was terrible and not what I wanted at all. But I still don’t know how to get rid of these feelings when they pop up. I don’t know how to look at his face and not feel anything at all. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to finally convince myself that he really wasn’t the one.

So instead I’ll start to focus on how I’m going to go about finding my inner joy. I know I wasn’t meant for more than I’m giving now. [dang..was that a Freudian slip or a sign from the Universe? eek]. I need to make a difference somewhere.
I’m going to start by going back to the doc and discussing new options. I’m going to see her on Saturday and see what she’s thinking. It’s been about 10 years since I’ve done any serious testing and maybe I’ll find someone who can come up with some new ideas. There has to be an answer somewhere.

The way things have gotten bad over the last six months or so are not conducive to living a good life. I can’t help anyone else if I can’t even help myself. I’ve been so hesitant to go to any one new mostly because I’ve seen all the local docs and it’s heartbreaking to hear the same thing over and over again - “All your tests are negative but there’s definitely something wrong with you.” -_-

Let’s give it another go I guess. I’ve gotta start the changes somewhere and I’ve felt how great it is to be able to move freely and I don’t want to lose that again.

I’ll never find my inner joy if I’m in so much pain…

rose.
11:15pm