Finality in Days of My Destiny

It’s been 6 weeks since That Phonecall that went all awkward and made me see that maybe the friendship was seasonal all this time, after all

Last night I went through all the photos of me on fb and untagged myself out of any photos T had uploaded of us two over the years… there weren’t many at all, maybe a handful. Still, it felt important to do that.

I also chose to ignore her messages on Messenger. That just means that if (that’s a very big IF, given the data) she contacts me, then I won’t be notified of it. I also can no longer see our message interactions on Messenger at all, unless I search her name.

I did these two things because the more time passes by, the more I realise how much I don’t want her in my life.

Taking those two steps last night felt quite drastic but necessary.

I think I’ve gone from emotion-less to deep sadness, to angry, to .. well, whatever this is. I guess protective. I think I’ve gone into protection mode.

I wondered whether I should write to her and explain that I feel the friendship should come to a close and say all my reasons why… I kept telling myself, “You don’t just walk away from 17 years of friendship in silence, Colour…” and then I’d hear myself say, “........ or do you?”

As it stands, I don’t feel that I need to explain or communicate.
- It’s not like she’s ever behaved as though she really wants our friendship
- She rarely contacts me anyway
- It will be less hurtful this way

I make that last point because in all honesty, how do I say, “By the way, if I met you now, I wouldn’t want to be friends with you?”

Of course I don’t have to say that, but if I didn’t, then it would just seem like I am stating things I’m hurt about and it would seem that there’s a chance to rectify it all.... when there isn’t. I just don’t feel like I can come back from what’s happened.

So.......... I think I will let the friendship sizzle out slowly and naturally. Because I know it will.

Last updated April 22, 2018