flustered in 2018

9:28pm

Today was a long day. As most of them have been lately. Did I say I was so ready for the season to be over with? Because I am.

I’m not even sure how I’m making it through each day. Very slowly I guess. And the fact that I haven’t had time for lunch in the last two days does not help. I am not a good functioning adult when I don’t eat. Today was my fault for not taking food. We got pizza after work yesterday when we went to pick up prescriptions and I could have taken that but I forgot. We had an 8am phone meeting and it threw me off. Leftovers are definitely coming with me tomorrow and I will eat that stuff cold if I have to. No more skipping lunches. No bueno.

I’ve been in some really intense physical pain lately. Like back to the way I was in January before the pills. The last round of steroids didn’t do much. Helped for a bit but not much. I’ve been taking an advil every day just to make it through work. Not being able to walk is such a life changer. Obviously. But it’s so different from not being able to use an arm. I mean without my legs I can’t do anything. I’ve refused to go back to walking with a cane. I used it for a bit over New Years while I was alone and it honestly didn’t help much. I don’t want to be that person again.

I don’t even know what to try anymore. I got a prescription for nsaids refilled yesterday. It’s hit or miss because if I take them too long, like a couple weeks, they stop working at all. Same thing happened 10 years ago when I went through just about every version of an nsaid the doc could prescribe. Oh well. I’m just hoping for a little bit of relief to get me through these next few days. After that maybe another doctor visit to brainstorm new ideas. Chopping my legs off at the hip has been the bright idea lately. It’s just so damn frustrating.

Not trying to dwell on it though. It is what it is. I make it through each day and I’m grateful. It’s not so bad once I get moving. It’s the mornings that are rough. A few more days and I won’t have to worry about that.

There’s so much more I want to say about the Sheriff. Of course! But I don’t have enough time to get into it right now. Maybe I’ll do what I did last time and rehash moment from the phone call all into one entry. I’ll work on it; see what happens.

The call was really good. I always enjoy talking to him. He’s so easy going. We get along so well. I’m guessing if we spoke more we wouldn’t have so much to say but so far it’s been non-stop talking. I only hang up when I have to.

The call involved some maybe flirting? I don’t even know with this guy. haha. He brought up how he owes me a drink. I told him I’ll believe it when I see it. Like when he walks through the door is when I’ll finally believe him. haha. He said it was like a challenge now and he had to do it. I don’t know if I like the idea of it being a challenge but whatever. I’m sure I’d enjoy it regardless. =)

We’ll see though. My expectations are super low. I don’t see him coming out here very often any more. He’s said all these words to me before. I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t take any of it seriously anymore. So if he magically shows up some day I’ll be pleasantly surprised and that’ll be that. If not, I guess I’ll see and/or hear from him again in about a year.

I did get this one email last night though. After the phone call I realized I was missing his acct info and we’d been joking about how I knew everything about him. I do seriously have every piece of information about him. So I emailed asking if he could call me back and then told him to just send me the info. Around 7pm, as I was wrapping things up with another client from TX, I saw an email come through. He was asking what acct info I needed and acting all shocked about how now I really would know everything about him.
Then because I’d mentioned being distracted and forgetting, he sent another email a couple minutes later saying I “musta been all flustered” with winks and smiley faces. I was in a hurry to leave the office when I saw the last of the messages come through so I decided to write him back in the car.

I told him that I might get flustered by a guy that buys me a drink but I didn’t know what that was like. And I reminded him that this was like a marriage. I get to know everything about him and he gets to know nothing about me. ;)

So as I got ready for bed last night I decided to check my email. Sure enough there was a message in bold trying to come through on my phone. I couldn’t wait to read it. Jokes about having to buy the entire office drinks. Then, “Next thing you know I’m going to be prepared to buy you that drink and you’re gonna tell me you don’t drink!” I found that wording really interesting, but is that just me? Like “be prepared”?? What’s the dude gotta prepare for? Is this why he hasn’t done it yet? Has he not felt like he was ready? I don’t know. I’m overanalyzing for sure. Still interesting though.

He made more jokes about a blank check and then said that I was absolutely correct that I have all his info and he has none of mine except that I live behind a park, which we’d talked about on the phone call. He said he’d need the money to buy me that drink even if it’s a shirley temple and put a btw about how he sent the message to my personal email on purpose so the company couldn’t read it. ha.

There was something about the tone that seemed to come through that I really liked. I can’t even explain what it was like to read that message. Probably the longest, most personal, email I’ve ever received from him. It wasn’t even that much but it felt like I was finally seeing a different side of him.

Of course now I want to know more. More. More!
But I’m okay with where things are. I told him I’d see him in 365 days at the end of the phone call and he said it would be before then. Whatever. I think he even promised me something at some point but I don’t remember what it was! I just remember him saying “I promise” and it’s bugging me that maybe I’m imagining it. hah.

I started an email back to him around 10 this morning and didn’t get it sent until about 1:30pm. I haven’t heard anything back but I’m not expecting much. He’s got a terrible track record and he’s been really busy at work. He wasn’t even responded to the work email I sent around 9:30am. I hope he gets to it before he disappears though. I even sent another email from my work account later to make sure he got it and noticed he needed to follow the steps. I’m hoping he’ll finish it up tomorrow but who knows. I don’t think he’s had a day off in a while. I feel his pain. haha.

I’m not going to lie and pretend like I don’t have a tiny bit of hope that he’ll show up randomly during the off season, but like I said - expectations are low.
Still it would be fun to grab a drink, to see him outside of the office environment. I haven’t seen him in a year. I don’t even know what I’d feel. Other than happiness of course because we’ve always gotten along so damn well and there’s always been something about him. From day one. I wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to see him when we’re both carefree and away from work. At the very least it would be a couple of good drinks and some laughs. I’m not looking for much more than that right now anyway.

We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

rose.
10:50pm