loosen up in 2018

10:33pm

I should be going to bed soon. I’m hoping the “deadline” means I’ll type something up quickly and not ramble on forever. ha. We’ll see.

I’m doing stupid obsess-y things and I don’t want to be that way any more. It’s annoying, even if to no one other than myself. Like I should have learned a lot of lessons after last year, and I totally did, but I don’t even know what is going on with me.

The Sheriff and I spoke earlier today. We’ve been exchanging a lot of messages. More than we ever have. It’s so crazy I even pointed it out to him because the dude’s seriously never even responded twice to a message thread! I know that this is because we’re doing work type stuff but still it’s a small miracle. I like it. =)

That’s my problem though! I like it too much. I get way too much enjoyment out of our conversations, even the short little back and forth messages every hour or two. It’s silly because I know it’s all going to end again. The more I enjoy it the harder it’s going to hit when we’re done working and he’ll disappear again for a year. It already hurts just thinking about it and I know it shouldn’t!

We’re nothing damn it. He’s just a client. We’re just working together the same way I work with any client. But I can’t freaken look at him that way. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many times I go over it in my mind. There’s something about him that I get stuck on and I don’t even understand why.

He sent me a picture of his id today and he looks totally old [don’t tell him that though, he’ll panic! ;)] and I think about how I’m not all that attracted to him. I think there’s only been a picture or two where I thought he was good looking so why do I seem to have this thing for him?! Maybe it was the way his eyes caught my attention that first day two years ago. Or the way he makes me feel.

I posted that entry earlier today and it linked back to an entry exactly a year ago when he called and I realized he was coming back to see me and I was in shock. I never thought he’d come back. I wanted him to but I didn’t think he would. And I like that he’s back again. It’s freaken great! But I’m putting too much stock in it again. I’m making it into something it’s not. I know this and yet I can’t stop it.

I’m trying so hard not to think about it too much. I’m desperately trying not to fantasy because I know we aren’t going to be anything. He looks at me like a little kid. I figured that out today. We were on the phone and started talking about his birthday again and I said something about mine and he said I was half his age. Which no freaken way! We’re only ten years a part. That’s still a lot but certainly not half!! And it all clicked together later this evening while I was in church. He calls me hun, he jokes about how young I am, he totally sees me like a kid. I kinda hate that.

I thought it was bad when the whole “hun” thing made me think of grandmas but it sucks even more to think that he sees me as just some young girl. I don’t want to be the guy’s kid sister! =( I don’t know why it aches to realize this. It shouldn’t. I’ve known these things. It just doesn’t feel good. Because we joke and have such good rapport and it’s so awesome to be myself around someone. I never worry about censoring. He totally gets my sense of humor! That’s so rare. I hate to think that whenever I make stupid jokes he laughs and thinks of me as some little girl.

Damn. I don’t know why that bothers me so much…

Then he let that thing slip about his imagination and the mysterious text and I freaken misread him all over again. These blasted mixed signals! I just need to look at him like any other client and move on but I can’t. He makes me feel so nice. In an easy going kinda way. Not like the way TF did, but in a more rational logical kinda way. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s just nice, and easy, and I wish I could hold on to that.

I know I can’t though. And I need to get used to that sooner rather than later. I can’t let this eat away at me again this year.

I’m not saying I won’t keep talking about this because I know I will. I’ll rehash every last bit of it until it’s over. Then I’ll probably complain and cry about it being over but I’ll move on eventually. I won’t let this consume me. I just wish I could find real joy in my heart. The kind of joy that would keep me from hanging on to these cheap fantasies.

This was so not what I came here to say tonight. My thoughts got away from me. Oh well. There’s always a reason for it. They clearly needed to be released from my mind. I don’t have to go in until noon tomorrow but I’m going to head to bed and see if I can catch up on some sleep. Not long to go! I’m at least excited about that!

rose.
11:02pm