April 5, 2018 in Journal 1

It has certainly been a long time since I’ve written anything, but I’m getting back on it.
I’m going to try this new thing called “self-care”, and I heard that writing in a journal may be beneficial to my -self.
I’m going to stop putting off my responsibilities and finish the things that I start. I am going to try to produce things that I’m proud of and make decisions that make me happy, even if it disappoints others. Specifically, I am going to take a leave of absence from school.
I’ve been cripplingly depressed for 14 months now and my grades have been plummeting. I feel like this intangible stress has been making me insane, and I’m ready to admit that I’m not strong enough to overcome it alone. I need time, patience, and help from my friends and family. Suffering is not “cool” and it is not always a “brave” thing to endure. Most of the time it is needless and stupid– and, I’m done wasting my time being stupid.
I want, for once in my life, to like myself– and not like myself by the validation of others, like parents and teachers, but absolutely and wholeheartedly by myself for who I am.
I’m dropping my childhood dreams on their head, because, when I dreamed them, I was a child. I was naive and dumb. I thought the only way to be successful was by being better than others– not in a cruel way, though. I just didn’t understand the root of happiness and I went down a path leading me further away from it.
Now, it is time to stop moving forward along this wonky path with that feeble hope of a potential light at the end of the endless tunnel. It is time to turn around and admit I made a mistake a long time ago. Life is long and there is no shame in getting somewhere a bit late. It’s a triumph to have made it at all– let it be at 20, 40, or 70.
So, while most of the kids I went to school with will be graduating from college in a year, becoming college graduates, I will be on my own equally-satisfying path.

Thank you for not doing that thing on March 4th. Thank you for thinking of me.