enjoy the moments in 2018

10:13am

I still want to go back and rehash things that were said yesterday. Y’all know I love to go back and reread all the little conversation topics. It’s fun to reminisce sometimes.

I feel like I’m in a really good place right now. I’m staying focused and paying a lot of attention to the lessons I [should have] learned from last year. Like being patient and trying not to freak out about my self-imposed timelines.

The TF thing is pretty much done. I didn’t write about it the other day but on Monday maybe I was poking through my computer and ended up reading an old text transcript from the very beginning. Honestly, I felt like the biggest idiot in the world as I read those words and the tears rolled down my cheeks. Because he was always the same. He never pretended to be anyone different. It was all me. I was so caught up in the fact that a man was finally flirting with me and showing me attention that I ignored everything that would have previously been a warning sign for me. All that f*cking dopamine running through my brain! Why did no one tell me what a fool I was!?! [I kid…some of y’all definitely told me. I’m a moron. I know!] I just really wanted it to work out because he was the first guy I ever liked that seemed to like me back and he made me feel so damn good about myself! I will never deny that he’s the main reason I have this confidence now. So I wanted that to mean something.

I always want every thing to mean some thing! That’s where I get caught up and fail miserably. Losing myself for the sake of some fantasy.

I hope I’ve learned enough not to do that again. Seriously. I’m trying so hard to stay focused. Constant reminders that I need to keep a clear head.

Speaking of that guy though: Lucas is currently sitting outside my window at the coffeeshop. :) I noticed someone leaning against my window and thought, “dang it, another tourist not realizing this is an open office!” So annoying. Then he turned around and walked towards my side and I realized it was him. He was on the phone and he stood outside the window next to my desk. I kept glancing out but he wasn’t turning to make eye contact. He was just standing there. I would have waved. haha. But then I thought it was weird he was right there and I could stare at him but he was [probably pretending] not to see me. So I got up and walked to the back. Not even gonna lie, I looked in the mirror to make sure my morning hair was at least tame. hah. Then the phone rang so I turned around to walk back and as I did he pulled the door open, we made eye contact, and he shot me that huge smile before closing it again and walking away. =) Silly charming man.

I thought he was sitting alone at the table, like not wanting to stand by the window anymore, but I see he’s with someone else. There are actually a lot of people out there sitting in groups of two. Not sure if he’s part of everyone else or not. There aren’t usually that many people this time of day.

I’m not sure if he’ll stop in for a quick chat or not, but that one I have zero fantasies about. I definitely knew from the moment we met that it was his charming bs I needed to be real about. It’s exactly what I should have done with TF but things started differently between us so that’s where I took the wrong turn. This time we’re all good. I’m smarter now.

Boo. He just walked away with the guy. Probably gonna go do real work. I was looking forward to some more jokes. I’m in a good mood today. I’m guessing it’s from the exhaustion making me crazy so I just don’t give a damn about any of it anymore. I just want to make it through my day and get home and repeat until I’m done. hah.

I’ve been distracted with actual work but oh man I am so tired. I could fall asleep right here on this desk. I was up at like 3-4 this morning and of course I started thinking about the Sheriff even though I said I wasn’t going to let my mind wander on that one. I couldn’t help but replay everything while I was lying there in the dark. The way we joked and the easiness of it all. We can talk forever and it doesn’t even feel like it. Last night did not feel like a half hour at all! And we could have continued talking probably for a long while if I hadn’t cut him off. I was tired though, I know he was tired, and mom had been bugging me for a while to get the heck out of the office. We’d been working for 11 hours and we were ready to go home. I was actually in the process of closing up when he called and I got “stuck” on the line.

I didn’t even think we’d talk that long because right away we were both like - ok we’ve had long days and we’re tired. Here’s what I need. Here’s what I’ll get to you later. But then we just kept talking..and talking..and talking. Conversation never stops. We seem to jump on top of each other to get to the next topic. Not like cutting each other off but we both just have a lot to say. And there’s so much to learn too! It’s always been like that. Maybe it’s because we don’t talk very often or I don’t know. It’s nice while it lasts.

I sent him another email before I left work. I hadn’t heard anything all day even though he was supposed to send things. Pretty sure he was going to work today too though. So I sent the email saying I know he’s busy all the time and asking when we could talk and/or if he’d prefer a list of questions via message. We’ll see what he says.

Maybe I’ll go put some bullets in a draft so I don’t forget anything for the recap. Like when we were talking about whatever and he suddenly says something like, “it was the last day of the season, two years ago now, that I walked in the door and you helped me.” I don’t even remember exactly what he said because it was another one of those moments where we were talking on top of each other and I was probably laughing about something. But damn, the way he said it was almost as if he remembered that day exactly like I remember it. I’m always tempted to tell him that I can recall exactly how it happened but nah. I like it better when he makes it seem like he has all the recall. =)

I so wish we could talk more often. I guess I’ll just enjoy it while I can and drag it out for as long as possible. It’ll work itself out.

rose.
9:39pm