Excuse me while I don't talk in Socially Awkward

I HATE social anxiety. Oh how I'd love to go out for a fun night with a group of friends and not feel tense the whole time. My mind freaks out and if I'm put on the spot with a question that requires a lot of thought and I haven't had time to think of it OR if I'm worried they'll judge my answer, I freeze, stutter, an ultimately end up sounding like an idiot. I am not an idiot but in uncomfortable situations, I sound like an idiot Then I spend too much time thinking to myself, "Why did I say that...I would have sounded so much smarter if I had said....." I wish I could...talk more. I think a lot and usually I think I have pretty intelligent thoughts, but I am so paranoid that I'll sound like an idiot when the words come out of my mouth. I got a 4.00 GPA last quarter so academically speaking, I'm not dumb. One of my professors last quarter wrote on my final paper that she was constantly surprised with my work. I must make great first impressions. I mean I DID average to speak about 10 words per class enter applause here. Its just that all of my thoughts happen in my head and don't always get out, so when I turn in some awesome work, everyone gets surprised that I did that. She even asked if she could use my paper as a sample to show her next class on how a paper should be properly written. The best paper was written by the person who rarely talks. I listened to all of my other classmates talk in that class and frankly, they said some stupid stuff. It was easier to let them sound stupid while I wow'd the professor.

Those thoughts seem all over the place. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I could be one of those girls who has no problem just striking up any ole conversation in any environment and voicing her opinion (besides on paper).

OD is supposed to officially kick the bucket any day now which is why I'm here. I'm not sure if I'm going to make a diary here with the same name as my OD diary yet. I kind of really like the anonymity. I will write here though on a regular basis because I need to write. I downloaded my OD diary and put it in Microsoft Word format and it was over 3,000 pages long (I started my OD diary in 2006). So if I had never written that's over 3,000 pages of thoughts that would still be trapped in my head. Writing my thoughts for complete strangers to read is pretty much my best form of communication.