come back in in 2018

10:58am

I started working on an entry yesterday but I didn’t realize things were going to change so quickly [as they often do and I often forget to remember]. I wish I had more patience with life. I wish I could trust it more to work itself out. That’s something I seriously want to practice more of this year. I need to get to a better place mentally and emotionally. Wait.. that’s kinda the same thing isn’t it? hah. Whatever.

Last year kicked my a*s, but I am starting to pick up on all the life lessons little by little. Just this morning I had more light bulbs going off and it’s so nice to finally have stuff clicking. I knew I’d get here, but again that blasted impatience does me no good.

Let’s talk about yesterday: I didn’t get to finish the entry because we went to run errands after work and eat dinner and didn’t get home until about 9:30p. I had a drink [or two] on the couch while scrolling through my phone [and text/emailing the Sheriff!] and then went to bed. I didn’t feel like pulling out the computer to continue typing. There was too much to say and y’all know I like to remember every little thing. =]

So the Sheriff! Out of the blue, like always! I’d had a thought about him earlier in the day because it was Good Friday and I was fasting again. I remember we discussed it briefly last year since he’d come on that day albeit later in April. I thought nothing of it though because I think about him every now and again anyway. But I do remember when I had that thought yesterday I also wondered if he was thinking about me. With the whole connected day a year later thing. I don’t think his [family’s] religion does Good Friday. But still, I remember wondering.

I was falling into a terrible mood around mid-day probably due to the aforementioned fasting. Then around 3ish mom sent me to the house to look for the mail and I picked up my shoes since we decided to leave out of town straight from work. While I was at home I ate a couple crackers with a dab of peanut butter and that helped immensely. Probably also getting out into the super warm sunshine.

So I came back and sat down to run through some files. My aunt called and I think my mom was on the phone with her, or maybe she’d called someone else, either way she was on the phone. The 2nd line started ringing and I glanced over at the ID The Sheriff =0 gasp! I looked at it a little harder, because you know that changes things, and a smile spread across my face. =) I picked up and gave my spiel and then I hear his voice, “did you get my text..or email?” and I started laughing because he didn’t say hi or anything! Just expected me to know what was going on. I responded, “that is a creepy way to answer!!” and above my laughter I think he said that it was even creepier that I knew who it was. haha. Duh! I have caller id dummy. I didn’t remind him of that though I was too busy laughing.

Speaking of laughing, I was talking to mom after about whether she knew who it was I talked to and she said yeah. I asked if she’d seen the caller id since she was on the phone and she goes, “No. I wasn’t sure at first until you started giggling. Then I knew right away!” haha. Whoops. =]

There’s something about that guy. I don’t know what it is exactly, but he just energizes me. Like all afternoon after we hung up yesterday I was in the best mood. Something about the way he speaks to me, or makes me laugh, or teases me. I don’t know, but it’s nice!

Now, I’m not delusional this time around. Seriously. I’m not kidding about last year having taught me a lot. I replied to his email/text thing after work and I semi-obsessively kept glancing at my phone after. When I got home last night I totally checked myself - Look Rose! you’re being dumb about this again and need to cut it out! And I went into my phone and changed all my settings back to where they were originally and let it go.
Of course as I’m exiting the window I accidentally cancel a notification and I go into my email and see 2 new messages from within a few minutes. See why I shouldn’t be so silly about these things!

I replied, he replied, and I replied back all within about a half hour. I haven’t heard anything more but this is seriously like a world record for him. [Also in a screenshot he sent me I noticed he had it on do not disturb so not sure if he was working or ready for bed] He’s never replied more than once to a message! I think it has something to with the length of emails. Because these were short quick things. He was apparently texting me to my email. I thought about telling him to just text me like a regular human but I’m gonna let the dude ask for my number. That’s what freaked me out when I answered and he asked if I got his text. My brain immediately went “wait..what? since when does he have my number?!” and my thoughts scrambled to catch up.

That’s what I asked in the email later and he showed me the screenshot of my contact info and said he just clicked “message”. I didn’t even know you could do that! The dude seriously fills out his contact info too. It had everything there! Number, work/personal email, business name, my full name [even though he calls me Rose], and my work address with a little map pinned. It’s crazy! I told him he better not lose it and that now I’d never be able to hide. The only thing he doesn’t have is my cell and home address. Didn’t I tell y’all that if he wanted to find me he could? That sh*t is detailed!

After we got past the creepy talk and laughing he said he’d spent about a month or more in my hood recently. He said something about it not being a fun trip and I played dumb even though I knew. I asked what happened and he said his grandmother had passed. =( We talked about her for a while. I asked if she’d gotten sick or it was sudden and he said she was a bit sick. That he’d go home and work 3-4 days and then come down for a week, and repeat. That she didn’t want to stay in the hospital and the docs basically said if she goes home she dies and she decided she wanted to go home. I guess she lasted like a month after she went home which is why he was doing all the back and forth. He said that he missed her dearly but he was happy she wasn’t suffering or having to live like that anymore. She made it just passed her 91st birthday and went in her sleep. I told him that was the way I wanted to go too!

I also told him that I was going to give him a hard time for not saying hi while he was here but after hearing the story I was giving him a pass and we were all good. “We’re really all good?” Yup.

During the first text thing he said he was asking in case I didn’t get the message or deleted it because I didn’t know who the heck’s number it was. I started teasing him that my first thoughts were, “well this guy never responds to my emails so I’m going to block him.” He immediately said that he did respond to my last email in October about the fires and I go, “yeah but then I replied and you didn’t say anything more. I know you were busy though so I’m going to give you a pass there too.” Because he was fighting fires. I can’t blame him for not emailing me back. He said he worked about a month straight. Like 36 hours without stopping that first night he went in.

That’s the thing about this guy. He remembers everything! I know it because he’ll randomly blurt stuff out we’ve discussed before. And he’s always got an excuse. Really legitimate sounding ones too! Like he said that whole fire thing happened, then his grandmother got sick, and that’s up until now. He hasn’t been back in town since the funeral. He pretty much excused himself from every moment from our last contact until yesterday. I don’t know how he does it. But it all makes sense.

We talked about the possibility of him coming down to work with me again this year. I don’t think he’s going to make it though which is a bummer. He might still send me his stuff and we’ll do it remotely but I don’t know. He can probably do it himself. It should be even less complicated this year. I even asked if he was going to do it on his own and he said he’d ran the numbers but then he still seemed interested in working together. He did say he was calling just to say hi, which was nice. :)

Also that he’s still coming to town at some point just doesn’t know if he’ll make it before the deadline. I guess there’s some kind of big event out in his area the 14-15th and they kinda want all hands on deck. So he hasn’t finalized plans yet but he’s thinking he’ll come out on the 16th, which also happens to be his birthday. He still gets a big kick out of remembering how the first time we met he said he was here on vacation and I asked why the heck he’d come to this tiny town for a vacation. He reminds me of it every time! And I tell him I still can’t understand it. haha.

He also mentioned that he only comes down into town to grab margarita supplies. Which I told him was essential. I know he brings it up on purpose though knowing that’s my favorite drink. We’ve been talking about it since the first day we met two years ago! Sometimes I just want to be like Hey! mother fcker just ask me out for a drink already! He freaken hints at it every time we talk. From that very first moment! But he still hasn’t pulled the trigger.

I’m not naïve though. I’ve dropped the fantasy of us magically getting together. I mean the dude called me “sweetie” before he hung up the phone. Like “thanks sweetie, we’ll talk later” kinda thing. No dude’s going to call the girl he’s interested in sweetie. No dude that I know at least!

But I’d still like to hang out with him. I bet we’d have fun together! If he gets in touch when he comes to town I’m tempted to ask him out for his birthday. Something simple. Hey let me treat you to a drink to celebrate. Because I know the dude does not like celebrating his birthday. We talked about it over the call. That the reason he wanted to get out of town was so no body would surprise him with a party or anything since it’s the big 4-0. I guess one year they decorated his car in balloons and cupcakes and then gave him a hard time all day over the dispatch. I told him that I’d love if my coworkers did that for me so I was going to go work out there. haha. He’s not into it though. [The birthday. He actually agreed I should go work there ha]

I think this is the kind of birthday he should celebrate but we’ll see how it goes. I don’t think that’s too forward? To ask him like that. I mean we’re pretty cool. But I’m also [constantly] trying to remind myself to treat him like I would the client. I like how easy things are with the client. Talking, joking, getting along without any pressure or pretense. I would really enjoy that with the Sheriff. I’ve learned my lesson over the last couple of years though and I don’t actually expect to hear anything from him while he’s in town. Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if an entire year goes by without another word. Even though his first text/email said, ”Hello, Ms. Rose! How are you doing? Seems like it’s been FOREVER since I’ve heard from or seen ya.” Yeah idiot that’s all your fault! Is what I want to say but instead I ignore it entirely. Every time he says something like that I just want to be like, “are you kidding me?!? Stop sending mixed signals!” Because that’s really what it is for me. It shouldn’t be but it always has been.

Still, I get it, and I’m trying to be cool and relaxed. We really aren’t going to end up together. We’ve got all those years between us and all those miles. His mixed signals are never going to turn positive. I think he just enjoys the fact that some younger girl is interested in him. Thinks he’s funny. Gives him a hard time. Wants to hang out. I’m sure he’s flattered, which is kinda flattering to me. Despite all that though, he’s the only guy that’s been able to make me forget TF. Just like that. Vanished from the brain. I mean if I sit with it long enough I still get stuck on the idea of not being able to let go of him but that’s a distant idea I don’t need to deal with right now.

I just want a guy to follow through. Once. To say what he means. To mean what he says.

I wish it wasn’t so easy for him to call me up out of the blue and act like no time has gone by. But I can’t deny that I enjoy it. A twenty minute phone call and it changed my whole afternoon. For the better. I just wish he’d want to keep in touch too.

rose.
10:23pm

Last updated April 01, 2018