moving forward in 2018

10:51am

Today’s thoughts:

It’s particularly busy today. Definitely confirmed that it is not going to slow down for the rest of the season. That’s good for a couple reasons: we could always use more clients and it makes the days go by a lot faster. But it is a bit stressful to be constantly in motion. Part of that being that I’m introverted but also just not having time to organize my thoughts. Wait, is that the same thing? I get worried that I’ll forget to write something down because I’m all over the place. Talking to clients, answering the phones, running paperwork.

It’ll be fine though I’ll be glad to be done.

I’ve already got post-season plans. A potential for lots of plans. =)

I mentioned Hawaii tickets were booked right? We’re officially at 10 people. [4 from Cali, 2 from Texas, and 4 from Mex] There’s talk of maybe 2 more but they’re about to have a baby so I don’t know how they’ll manage that. I’m excited. Everyone seems excited! It was such a good deal too. Ours runs about 1100/person and that includes flights, hotel for a week, breakfast every morning, a tour around the island, and a luau. I thought that was good. Plus since we’re the only two that have been there we picked traditional/tourist type things to do so every one else can see and experience it. Then if they go back they can decide what they liked. Also there are plenty of days and not all of them will be on a schedule so that’ll be great. I hope I can at least get one day to hang out on the beach since I didn’t get to do that in Cancun.

Clearly I wasn’t kidding about wanting to go on a shopping spree either. I just finished an online purchase for a couple pairs of shorts. I didn’t buy a lot but it was an amazing deal and I apparently hit the last day of it. Free shipping and 40% off, sure I’ll take it. =)

Yesterday I’d planned to spend most of the day watching tv but then the cable went out during the first movie. -_- Bummer. So I did online shopping instead. It was originally meant for mom but I found another new swimsuit. I can’t very well wear the same swimsuits I just wore in Cancun with the same people! I mean come on! ;)

I contemplated going a little more adventurous with the suit but I’m just not comfortable enough with my body at this point. I mean it wasn’t that long ago that I wouldn’t even wear shorts above my knees. haha. Little by little I am going shorter and tighter. I want to get to a point where I am completely comfortable in my own skin. It gets better every day.
Thank you TF for all your flirting, and desire to touch, and pretending not to see my flaws! Seriously, I posted that last entry which was connected back to probably the first mention of TF in 2016 and I was so damn insecure back then that I thought his flirting was a prank. There was no way a guy like that could want me! But he did and I gained the most beautiful confidence I never even knew could exist inside of me. So grateful!

I’m really ok with all that right now by the way. I had a total lightbulb moment Saturday night as I cried in bed. [Crying was mostly hormone related] I realized that what has really been bothering me is the fact that he rejected the inner me. The parts of me that I love the most.

See, ever since I was young I’ve always said that if a guy could look beyond my “cover” and give me a chance then he would not be disappointed. Partly because of the aforementioned insecurities and partly because I’m freaken awesome if you take the time to get to know the real me. [which admittedly I don’t share freely or easily] There have been plenty of guys who have expressed their feelings but there were a lot of differences this time around. None of those guys have ever been so forward about wanting me physically. But the main thing was that none of them have ever turned down the opportunity to get to know me. To be my friend if that was the only option. I think that’s what really hurt the most. That he didn’t want to be friends with me. That’s the part of me that feels the most rejected. The fact that he didn’t agree that that was the very best part of me. My personality, my soul, my inner world.

I’d 1000x rather be rejected on my looks. I have very little control over those. But I’ve spent years becoming the person I want to be on the inside. That’s why this was my lightbulb moment. Finally realizing that this was the very first time I felt rejected for the real me. [whether or not that was the case b/c I don’t know how he really felt/feels]

Anyway, nothing I can do about it now. It’s a relief to finally understand what was really bothering me though. I’ve felt better ever since. And the Universe keeps telling me to have patience so maybe that’s something I should finally work on.

In related news: a lady just stood at my desk for 5 minutes showing me pictures of every eligible bachelor she could find in her phone’s photo album. She made it as far as two sons and a nephew. haha! They weren’t ugly either [especially the oldest one ;)] but nah. I’m ok. I’m going to work on myself for a while. No more drama.

Quick story though. My first phone call this morning was for a client that had an appointment today. MC we’ll call him. I think I meant to write about him last summer but I never got around to it. Must be in that drafts folder. Anyway, he called and said hi [I think he drops the last a off my name for some reason] and asked how I was. “I’m good. How are you today?” silence I thought the call had dropped or something. Then he goes, “ohh well that depends on whether or not you’re going to yell at me…” haha. That totally caught me off guard though because we don’t usually joke very much. Turns out he just wanted to change his appointment to Friday and so I didn’t have to yell at him. At least he remembered to call to switch it. All I told him was not to forget between now and Friday and he said he already had it logged. hah.

Funny though. Unexpected. I guess I did make a joke last week when he called saying he was finally going to stay on top of stuff. He normally comes in every couple of years and catches up on the paperwork. That’s why I made the joke, but almost instantly regretted it thinking about how I don’t even know him that well! Back when I first met him he used to come in here all high and mighty, like he was better than everyone else. I heard stories that he was a loudmouth at work and nobody liked him, which I totally understood. I didn’t like him much either. Although I am intrigued by guys like that. The last couple of times he’s been really nice though.

I’ve had quite a bit of interaction with him what with trying to schedule, and reschedule, and drop off, and putting stuff together. He’s way different now. So I guess the comment wasn’t totally unexpected, just different. I’m normally the one that jokes and he either seems like he doesn’t get it or stays really serious. Kinda cool. Not sure why he thought I’d yell at him though! I’m so not a yeller. haha.

I remember this one moment when he came in, must have been around June, and I was standing next to him at the desk waiting. I watched as his eyes glanced over me and when he made eye contact there was this look on his face like he’d just seen me for the first time. Like it was the first time he’d ever noticed me. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain exactly what that look was. But it’s nice to feel like someone sees me. Even though I’ve known him for years. haha. Maybe this new confidence does actually radiate.

Not gonna lie. I creeped on him on fb after that. I thought I’d seen a picture of him before with a girl. We have a few mutual friends. And yeah, turns out he’s been with the same girl for the last few years. A tall leggy blonde that’s totally beautiful. Which definitely boosted my confidence. You know because if a guy like that is going to check me out while he’s got her waiting at home. Hell yeah I’m flattered. I might be a little more confident but I definitely know that she and I are no where near the same league. We’re on opposite ends of the universe! haha. =P

Ok. Quick story turned too long. Apparently PB is having a lot of outage issues so I’ve had to wait for this to come back up to finish. Good thing I’ve learned my lesson and save the draft periodically. But I better cut this and post before it gets lost in space.

rose.
4:41pm