The heart wants what it wants in Who I Am

I’m starting to think that since day 1 of me noticing men (14..15…whenever the f that was) that my heart is stupid as fuck and doesn’t know what it wants, it just goes for whatever is going to hurt me the fucking worst.

I’m super fucking depressed this week. My anxiety attacks are becoming super frequent, and I keep finding myself crying on the floor. I think I’m just now getting hit with the breakup feelings I should have been feeling months ago, but was too busy being numb/hating my life at work/ and covering up the pain with sex maybe to face them.

And now here I am. Facing those feelings. I just feel like I fucked up big time. Matt was perfect. He was such a good man. WHY is that not enough for me. Why did I find myself annoyed sometimes around him. HE LOVED ME. He was loyal. He’s smart. He has a plan. He genuinely cares about me. If I called him right now crying like this he would probably drop everything. But I don’t want him to.

Ive spent the last three days eating like shit. Pizza. Ice cream. You name it. Ignoring my responsibilities. Just crying like a bitch. Also I haven’t gotten my period so I’m stressin about that too. I’m tired of it.

Do you ever just get really tired. Like so so tired. of the pain. of feeling like you’re working towards this unattainable goal.

I’ve been kind of distant with Bobby. and really everyone else because of it.

My heart hurts. It’s numb, but then it hurts.

I just broke down and took my anxiety and depression meds. I cant do this anymore. I just wanna do a bunch of fucking drugs. I would love nothing more than to have a fat line of coke right now. or four. id even take some fucking meth right now and that scares me the most. and I use scare loosely because I’m barely giving a fuck even when I say that.

It won’t come to that. I don’t have the money or the will. I don’t even wanna leave me fuckin apartment. I spent day 1 of my weekend depressed and crying half of it away, and eating like a fucking pig ass American does. ughhh so shameful.

I think I’m starting to feel better already after taking my meds. I think im gonna take a hot bath and read and pretend im not me for just a moment.

I need love and affection. And I had it. And I threw it away.

fuck me.