First entry in Three Months Left

First off, I realized that my book title may be misleading, I’m not dying in 3 months, or at least I don’t have that insight at the moment. My last day remains a mystery, and I try to keep that in mind each day when I look across my apartment disaster - trash mail stewn about near the entry, clean underwear lying across peculiar green colored chairs to dry - that was a few days ago, colored pencils near the couch and yet over there, and work uniforms lying on a chair and on the floor and near the washer in expectation. Good people worry that when they leave the world, they will have left with bad words said, good deeds undone. Instead, I worry that they discover my embarrassingly messy habits. When I have to travel long distance, I pray a little that I don’t get into a fatal accident. Nobody is aware of quite the level of messiness I keep at this age in my life and it is perhaps the one thing, that I would prefer to remain secret. It least if someone discovers this, I would like to face the embarrassment head on - with head down, blushed cheeks, I would suggest that I had a very busy week, feeling stressed, and affirm that this was a little unusual (then I tell myself that I must make drastic efforts in future to prove that that was “unsual” whenever I’m in presence of personx) . The truth is I am messy. I can be lazy but I can but also very hardworking. My good friend is shameless about her messiness (probably not as bad as mine) and admits that it isn’t priority. I guess that rings true in may case as well a little. I really don’t give a fuck, nobody comes to my apartment. At the same time I do feel that I would probably feel less anxious if my apartment appeared in order. So should I battle my feelings of giving a fuck even though my lifestyle effects no one else and giving a fuck probably only makes my feel more uneasy and guilty OR do I muster the energy to overthrow my messy tendencies (inherently rooted in giving a fucks, see above why I shouldn’t care) and clean up which will likely make me feel more engergized and focused. I will end for the day, I am 2 beer into my night and need to seek a new drink, any thoughts thereafter will be incomplete at best. I will do a drunk entry sometime though, but not first entry… maybe second entry. Peace out, I’ve got shitty movies to watch.