Decide in Stuff

If I’m being totally honest, I feel like my control on my family is disappearing. I guess it’s something I knew would happen eventually. But when your kids are little, you’re in charge and you know you’re in charge. Now I feel like they’re all doing their own thing. And, of course, that’s not a bad thing, but I struggle with realizing that I can’t just make them do what I want them to do anymore.

We all went out to eat last night and after dinner Harry got up and went outside to have a cigarette while the rest of us waited around for the check. I don’t know how to describe my feelings about this other than to say I felt embarrassed. I’m not embarrassed about Harry or for Harry, but I’m embarrassed that I’m a parent with a child smoking a cigarette, and I know other parents must look at me like I’m the worst mother ever. But I also feel like telling her that she can’t smoke would not only be practically impossible at this point, but she would just keep smoking but hiding it.

I’m a little embarrassed about Mercer identifying as a woman too. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about that, but I can’t help it. The feelings just happened. I want to be 100% supportive, but instead I feel really uncomfortable talking about it. I was in a client meeting the other day and he was mentioning some issues in his life with his daughters and I responded, “I can relate, I have two at home.” Then I paused and said, “Actually, I have three at home,” and I literally felt my face turn red when I said that.

I talk to Megan about Mercer and she’s very sympathetic to how I feel but also acts like what is going on is the most normal thing in the world. She said something like this is now the modern day part of growing up: you hit puberty and you suddenly have to decide your orientation and your identity.

Remember the case of the mystery panties that appeared on the floor of the hallway about a month ago? I found out they belonged to Mercer, which didn’t surprise me because she seemed the least believable in her denial. But the real story was where they actually came from. Turns out she purchased them online from a site where women sell their used/dirty underwear. I didn’t really know what to think when I found that out.

I knew how I felt though: more embarrassment.

Last updated March 21, 2018