Booooo love is trash in Who I Am
- March 18, 2018, 2:03 p.m.
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- Public
Regain is seriously killing me. I eat so little, I feel like I work out a lot. I guess this new sit down job is taking more of a toll than I thought it would . My diet bet ends tomorrow and I need to be at 150 to win it, and I weighed in this morning on my bathroom scale at 154. I’m sooo upset with myself. I know my eating wasn’t perfect and that was something I could probably have controlled a little better.
Binging is a huge issue for me. I felt terrible last night about stuff so I just went to Hyvee and spent my last 5 dollars on a fuckin pint of ice cream. I then hated myself so I tried to throw some of it up, and did. Let me stress that this is not a normal thing for me, I don’t binge and purge ever. Unless I’m starting to feel sick or actually did overeat, and normally I just deal with that suffering, because I brought it upon myself. SO I deserve it.
About an hour later Bobby shows up. He makes my cold dead, anxiety ridden heart smile. I forget about the fact that I’m losing my dietbet when I could really use the money right now.
Immediately upon seeing me, he smiles and grabs me and kisses my forehead, holds me tight and asks me how my day was.
And that… is why I’m not afraid for when he asks me if I’ll be his girlfriend. He does make me feel special and adored.
However.
“Comparisons are easily done once you’ve had a taste of perfection”- Katy Perry
I compare everyone to Matt. EVERYONE. Matt was easily the best boyfriend I had ever had. Yeah we had our problems, but on the scale of problems that most people deal with in their relationships.. it really wasn’t bad at all. He’s a fantastic guy. I know this.
So. Whenever something happens or the guy does something, I always think
“well Matt would have done this. and Matt loved me. so obviously you aren’t interested”
I know. Its dramatic. but its my line of thinking.
When I stay the night at his place, I barely get any sleep because he has a few roommates because he lives in a house. I invited him over here so we could be alone, I could actually get some sleep, and not smell like the cigarettes all his friends smoke. Plus my bed is comfier than what he has going right now.
I apparently fell asleep shortly after we had sex last night, because that’s the last thing I remember. I woke up and he was gone. I immediately panic and grab my phone and he sent me a few texts that said he basically couldn’t sleep so he went back home…
oh. :(
It disappointed me a lot. Not just because he wasn’t there but because if Matt stayed the night and couldn’t sleep, he like woke me up with kisses or sex or just cuddled me, or hell he even went and watched tv in the living room.
I cannot expect people to act the same way though. That’s ignorant, naïve, and well…just flawed thinking. Plus maybe Bobby didn’t feel comfortable and that is OK. Just because I can deal with environment change and sleep literally anywhere doesn’t mean other people can too.
He said he didn’t want to wake me a few hours later after I texted him:
Me: I just woke up to you being gone… :( wake me up next time, I’m super mad at myself
Him: Noo baby. I’m so so sorry that’s how I felt when I got home. I’m never leaving your place early again, I regret not getting to wake up with you
Him: Babee I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna wake you up, you were way too cute, I kissed you goodbye though and covered you up, please don’t be mad. I’m really sorry I left. I shouldn’t have and I’ve really been beating myself up about it
Me: :( I was gonna cook us some breakfast. I’m so mad at myself… have a good day
Him: I have no idea what I was thinking.. I adore you
Ughh. I hate that I’m so affected by this. He left me a bowl loaded in my bong. Which was nice. But idgaf I’d rather have him here than smoke any weed at all today.
I need to stop comparing Bobby to Matt. It’s not fair to Bobby and honestly it’s not fair to me either… Bobby comes from a completely different background than Matt does, and so he will love and do things in a different way. That is okay. It doesn’t mean he is careless. In fact, he took extra steps to make sure his leaving didn’t come across as just not wanting to be with me.
I also have to realize, I a lot of my feelings right now stem from depression. The little depression demon inside of me is saying things like “hes realizing you’re not good enough, this is a waste of your time, cut him off and go be alone because you’re better at that anyway”
And now I’m crying alone on my couch. My heart is still breaking over Matt I guess. But that doesn’t make sense. None of this does.
I hate love. I hate it as much as I hate myself for being able to feel it no matter how many times it’s hurt me and shredded my soul.
Love is what keeps me going. But the bitter half of me is screaming at my heart from my brain and memories…
love is fuckin trash!
Last updated March 18, 2018
sweetgreen ⋅ March 18, 2018