outta my brain in 2018

5:37pm

I keep opening this to start typing and then a wave of people come in and I have to close it all down. I left myself a bullet draft list last night because there were things on my mind but I wasn’t in the mood to write. I’m tired at the end of the day. There’s only a few weeks left and the closer it gets the more I start to stress. I really shouldn’t, but I feel like there’s so much left to do and so many people left to see.

Then a little tiny part of me is like, “ohh maybe the sheriff’s going to come back and he’s fun.” I wish we could be friends already. I totally did have some kind of crush on him for a bit but I think that’s because he was there and I was reading what I wanted out of it. The idea of him was the manifestation of what I wanted. I can’t figure out the right word I need here. Maybe it’ll come to me. It’s like I took everything I felt for others and placed it on him. I don’t know. I do think we could be good friends though!

The bbq guy is coming this weekend. He’s fun too. The difference being that he’s so much older than me that I wouldn’t even really consider it and the sheriff’s just close enough that it was a possibility. They really are so similar in the way we get along. Bbq guy came in Monday I think to make the appointment. I was in the office alone so we chatted for a few minutes. He didn’t have a lot of time though. Mostly talked work. When I asked him for his number for the appointment he acted all shocked and gave me a hard time for not knowing it. I told him that there’s no reason for me to have it memorized. I never call him. He just shows up at my door. He conceded and we moved on. Interesting though. Like he wanted me to know his number and/or use it.

Yesterday was like text Rose day for some reason. The usual people, but all within a half hour of each other. It was also JR’s birthday. I almost forgot about it too but I had it on my calendar. I’m really bad at that stuff. So I shot him a text wishing him a happy birthday and said I hoped the day was wonderful and filled with less work and more whiskey. He replied within a few minutes with “lmao” and that’s it. I complained to mom about how he didn’t even say thank you. I mean, come on! Whatever though. I was already complaining because I didn’t get an invite to the birthday dinner either. His friends had come in the day before and they let slip that there was a dinner. I had no idea. They’d started asking me stuff about him, making jokes and what not, and then talking amongst themselves about whether he was working the next day. That’s when they mentioned being invited over there for dinner.

I guess it didn’t really need to bother me. I’m not surprised. They don’t really include me in stuff. It’s just the fact that I feel like I help keep that boy alive and they don’t bother to invite me to something like a birthday dinner? I feel like it’s her doing. I mean, they had me over a couple times at the end of the year but that’s because he had free time and invited me. He might have even done it without asking her if it was ok. And this time must have been her setup since I know her mom was cooking. Oh well. It doesn’t matter. He did send me another text a couple hours later to thank me at least. And he’s going to feel bad when I tell him I know he had a dinner without me. haha. Guilt trip buddy! ;)

The client sent me a text too. We don’t text nearly as often as we used to but at least once a week. Usually on the weekends. Mostly he starts them and I respond. It’s so easy going.

It was actually nice to hear from him yesterday. I don’t know why. I was in a certain mood I guess. He texted before noon but I didn’t get back to him until after 6. I meant to sooner but it was busy. We talked work and then he showed me a patch his sheriff friend gave him that technically I don’t think he should have. I said I wanted one too. He said I needed to know the right people and I countered that I knew him and he knew the right people. =] He eventually said he’d see what he can do so maybe I’ll get a patch? haha. I told him I was just messing with him though. I don’t want him to give me his patch or something nice like that. He’s that kinda guy and I don’t want to take advantage of him. I’d feel guilty.

I already feel weird because I was in one of those moods where I was joking and sometimes my jokes seem like flirting. It’s just my weird sense of humor. And after some exchanged words and a joke about him being in his friend;s bed, he ended up saying something like, “I only have like two buddies and I don’t know where you live.” Basically implying that my bed would be the only one he’d be in. At least that’s how I interpreted it and then I thought “shit, is he flirting? was I flirting? damn it....gotta end this.” Luckily we were both ready for bed so it did end. I need to watch myself.

I do like the way things are between us though. The easiness. Like I don’t even care when or if a text is exchanged. I’m not staring at my phone or panicking when he doesn’t instantly respond. It’s simple. Mostly because I know we’re friends and he’s going to be there.

I think about that though and you know I wish things could have been like that with TF. There was a lot of stuff working against us then, but I hated the way I felt when he wouldn’t respond. It drove me crazy. What difference it made, I have no idea! He was just another person. It shouldn’t have been like that. Another reason why I’m glad I made it to this side of things. So I can recognize how crazy it/I made me and I can learn not to let myself get like that again. I was so caught up in it!

I still think about him all the time and that’s bugging me. How do you shut it off? Every night. Every morning. First and last thing on my mind. It’s not even a thing anymore. It hasn’t been a thing for an entire year. Yet here I am.

Doesn’t help that I got home yesterday, poked at fb, and the 2nd thing on there was a post from his sister AB. She was actually wishing their other sister a happy birthday with a bunch of pictures. But guess who else was tagged? Yup. There’s like a dozen of them siblings and TF was the only other one in the pictures besides the two girls and he was tagged and there he was with his stupid poses. I see his mug everywhere! It doesn’t even make sense that he would be in that post!

This crazy universe is torturing me…and I’m totally letting it. =|

I want to work on some projects this summer and I really want to get back into photography but I need some inspiration. I love my old pictures. They look so good to me. But I haven’t been able to take anything I like in years. I just want to get out into the wild and photograph everything. If I could manage something great and local I would love to put it into our valley fair. Just to see if other people would like it as much as I do. I need to get out there though.

I have this crazy idea, and maybe it’s a little stupid, but I’ve had it for a while and I really want to reach out to TF during the off-season and ask if I can go hunting with them. I assume he’s still doing the hunting thing on the weekends and that would be kinda perfect. Early morning, nature, local areas I’ve probably never seen, guys and guns. I feel like I could get some amazing shots that would really appeal to the locals.

I’d have to reach out to him out of the blue though. And convince him to let me come along. I don’t know if either of those things are good ideas or would even work out. It would be so dang awesome if it did though! I can feel the inspiration just contemplating it. The part where it involves him is just a coincidence. I just don’t know anyone else well enough, especially not anyone else that runs around in the hills. I’m gonna think about this for a while, obviously, but I’d almost rather reach out for this than that whole idea for a lunch. It seems easier. With a purpose and a reason instead of just wanting to sit and talk to him.

It’s probably just me wanting to convince him to be my friend. To do things the way I always told him we should do things. But it would be such a fun project! sigh decisions, decisions.

Projects would be nice to have for the break. I want to see what I can check off my bucketlist this year as well. And bbq’s. And travel. And maybe a new job if it doesn’t conflict.

Tickets are officially booked for Hawaii by the way!! Six of us so far. Four more to come soon! I am so excited. Only mom and I have been there before. Everyone else seems really excited to go and the energy is going to be so good! I need to get healthy and I probably need another new swimsuit. haha.

What was I saying about not liking the water and swimsuits and lots of people? I take it back whatever it was! I am so stoked. I cannot wait to be on the beach and experiencing all that again with everyone else!!

I feel like I wasted so much time last year feeling the way that I did. I know I couldn’t really help it. It had to happen that way. I had to learn and feel it all. But I don’t want to do that again. Hopefully not ever, but definitely not any time soon. I’m better than I was then. I just want to enjoy this life already!

rose.
10:23pm

[I was going to leave this for tomorrow, but I was already half-way done. I’ve now stayed up too late finishing it and don’t feel like proofreading. At least it won’t get lost in the drafts folder :]

Last updated March 16, 2018