Oh my gosh, life has seemingly come to a creeping and quiet halt. It’s been two months now that I’ve been job hunting, applying anywhere and everywhere, trying to find online gigs. I haven’t heard back from most of them, with one of the rejections taking three weeks to finally materialize in my inbox. FInding employment hasn’t ever really been an issue for me, there’s always been somewhere that was looking for somebody. I’m getting anxious watching my bank account dwindle. Ideally I’d find something that I could do online from my laptop anywhere. The consensus online is that it’s difficult to land jobs like that as there tends to be very low turnover, and who doesn’t want to work at home? cue horror stories about kids, pets, roommates, etc
I don’t know, I’ve felt very quiet. My normally roiling trauma and pain has been quietly tinkered with, I’m sleeping better than I have in a long time. I’m working on my self confidence, as that is definitely my weakness when it comes to my mental health. I’ve spent a lot of time doubting myself and my skills and capabilities. I’ve always been one of those kids with “great potential”, but for what? I’m doing a lot of internal work on loosening the grip of my past on my present and future. There’s been a lot of forgiving and forgetting. I’m working on my triggers, trying to find points of view that don’t lead to a slippery slope and are more encompassing. By most accounts, I’m a fucking weirdo who lives in a fucking weirdo fashion and thinks weirdo things. But that’s what the world is to me. There’s so much that doesn’t make sense to me, so much conditioning and getting people to accept huge amounts of bullshit in order to keep things going the way they are.
I want a better future, a brighter and cleaner tomorrow. We’re always waiting for a future that won’t show up until it’s too late. A vague, naggingly optimistic outlook that keeps us pushing forward towards that organic, free-range carrot.
For my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer from the crowd. I need to get my communication game on point. If I don’t answer a message or text right away, it could be weeks or never before I get back to it. Would anyone be interested in basically bugging the hell out of me so I can build up some momentum and get good practices in place? I’m the wurst. lol