I don't know, whatever, I guess in The Road Ahead

  • March 13, 2018, 2:58 p.m.
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  • Public

Oh my gosh, life has seemingly come to a creeping and quiet halt. It’s been two months now that I’ve been job hunting, applying anywhere and everywhere, trying to find online gigs. I haven’t heard back from most of them, with one of the rejections taking three weeks to finally materialize in my inbox. FInding employment hasn’t ever really been an issue for me, there’s always been somewhere that was looking for somebody. I’m getting anxious watching my bank account dwindle. Ideally I’d find something that I could do online from my laptop anywhere. The consensus online is that it’s difficult to land jobs like that as there tends to be very low turnover, and who doesn’t want to work at home? cue horror stories about kids, pets, roommates, etc

I don’t know, I’ve felt very quiet. My normally roiling trauma and pain has been quietly tinkered with, I’m sleeping better than I have in a long time. I’m working on my self confidence, as that is definitely my weakness when it comes to my mental health. I’ve spent a lot of time doubting myself and my skills and capabilities. I’ve always been one of those kids with “great potential”, but for what? I’m doing a lot of internal work on loosening the grip of my past on my present and future. There’s been a lot of forgiving and forgetting. I’m working on my triggers, trying to find points of view that don’t lead to a slippery slope and are more encompassing. By most accounts, I’m a fucking weirdo who lives in a fucking weirdo fashion and thinks weirdo things. But that’s what the world is to me. There’s so much that doesn’t make sense to me, so much conditioning and getting people to accept huge amounts of bullshit in order to keep things going the way they are.

I want a better future, a brighter and cleaner tomorrow. We’re always waiting for a future that won’t show up until it’s too late. A vague, naggingly optimistic outlook that keeps us pushing forward towards that organic, free-range carrot.

For my next trick, I’ll need a volunteer from the crowd. I need to get my communication game on point. If I don’t answer a message or text right away, it could be weeks or never before I get back to it. Would anyone be interested in basically bugging the hell out of me so I can build up some momentum and get good practices in place? I’m the wurst. lol

sourapple March 14, 2018

The job market is so tough. I'm right there with you in the trenches!

Good on you for reaching out for accountability re: staying in touch. I'm literally hiding from my phone at the moment (it's buried in my bedroom) because there are unread messages that are giving me anxiety. I had a frenemy back in the day that used to love to remind me not to be a hermit (I literally despise that word).

I have a tough time thinking of myself as having social anxiety because when I'm among strangers I can be so easily charming and enjoy being a social butterfly! But scratch the surface to reveal even the tiniest bit of intimacy and I flee.

Welcome to Overshare Wednesday. lol

Freefaller sourapple ⋅ March 15, 2018

I'm trying not to be discouraged by it. Luckily, the vanlife thing works in my favor this time, since my bills are minimal and my savings don't erode as quickly. Buuuuuuut, yeah. Lots of emails and resumes and then the same information already in my resume being entered in manually again, you know the spiel. I'm actually really hoping to land this online job moderating obituary and condolence messages boards to make sure nobody talks shit about the recently deceased. They asked what would make me unique/special for this position and I mentioned I'm anti-bullying, especially in a virtual space, and that I'd be a dead ringer for it. I hope they heard the rimshot.

And I know your struggle. I've got messages stacking up on Facebook, so I just don't open the app except to send the gf cute animal videos. Hermit has a really negative connotation to it, I'd despise it too! I'm pushing myself to get moving again, making sure I get some Vitamin D, and being out around people in general.

Today I'm bundling up and heading out to my favorite local park to do just that. This will be so much easier when it isn't cold AF...soon!

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