just a crush in 2018

2:04pm

So, I’m sitting at work right. I moved to the front desk to work on things because some clients brought in their grandson and need to keep an eye on him. He’s sitting at an angle from me in the waiting area and I’m pretty sure he’s snapping pictures of me. Do you think he’s putting me on the internet with terrible filters and mean words? He looks a little devious. haha. Whatever. I look good today. It’s probably fine if he puts my face on the internet. =P

In other news: I’m in a really good place mentally today. And physically. I still have a few twinges of pain in my upper thigh and it occasionally gets stuck/buckles but no where near as bad as it was. My knees have been getting stiff in the evenings but that’s nothing new and it doesn’t bother me much. Makes me walk a little funny but I’d rather walk funny than be in pain. I mean, I’d rather be 100% healthy, or as close as I can get, but I’d take stiffness over pain any day.

We’ve decided to stay late today voluntarily. We didn’t have any scheduled clients after about 3:30pm but with the time change it’s still so light out. Plus we have a ton of drop offs to work on and I’m behind on paperwork as well. There’s only so much time left in the season and I feel like we have a lot left to do so it’s better to catch up now in case there’s a mad rush at the end.

It started raining a little while ago and it’s so nice to listen to. I’m sitting by the front window so I can glance out and see it. We had some sprinkles earlier but nothing major. Actually when I went to the bank before noon I wore my jacket and I was sweating in it. Weird the way it can change so quickly. Right now it’s doing this thing where it starts raining pretty good and then stops completely. Some rain is better than none though. We always need it. Although, I did miss my chance to mow the lawn Sunday because we got home after dark Friday and it rained all day Saturday. I hope it dries up a bit for next weekend or we’re going to have a little jungle in the front yard.

Anyway, I’ve got one more thing to add together on this last statement and then I’ll be caught up with this particular person. Or I guess I do have a bunch of little random things to go through but there shouldn’t be much. This was the hard part. And since I only have that one thing left to add, I’m taking a break to continue working on this. =)

Nevermind, I just went ahead and finished the statement to get it over with. hah. Look at me being all productive!

I’ve also been productive in terms of processing all the craziness in my brainspace. I feel like I’ve figured out the TF thing, or how to get myself over the TF thing. I think I need to accept that I have this massive crush on him and that’s it. I’ve been looking at this thing like he’s more than that, like it’s fate or he’s the one or whatever my dumb brain is doing and that’s why I’m so attached to the idea of him. I have never really looked at him like a crush. Not even at the beginning!

It sorta jumped from “I can’t believe this guy is into me” to “I need to marry him tomorrow.” I mean, I didn’t actually think I was going to marry him at the time but I felt like I would if the circumstances were just a little bit different. I was so into him. I skipped right over the girly crush phase.

There was no in-between. I might have even been a little in denial at the time about how much I wanted him. Mostly because I knew it was bullsh*t and didn’t want to allow myself to get close to him. So even though I felt that way somewhere inside I smothered it down deep into the faraway places I couldn’t easily connect to. I wanted him but I didn’t want to want him. [which is probably why I pushed him away so hard but that’s a story for another day…]

I feel like if I start to look at him as a crush it’ll start to feel like all my other past crushes. The people I barely even think about anymore and feel absolutely nothing towards. Like the Asian kid in college with his mohawk and skateboard that I couldn’t stop staring at.
And apparently he’s the only one I can think of. hahah! So see, they weren’t that important. They don’t even matter now and if I can look at TF that way then maybe I’ll get over him just the same and he’ll stop mattering so much. That’s possible right? Does this only make sense in my head? heh.

Either way, I’m just going to accept I have this huge crush on him and that’ll be that. He’s cute and he’s sweet when he’s showing me his heart. He pokes me the way little boys in elementary schools poke girls, but I definitely do have a crush on him.

That’s it. I’ve had a ton of crushes before and he’s just another on the list. I’ll stare at him when he comes in and I’ll probably check him out when I see his picture online. I might even flirt a little if he comes in again some day. No big deal. Just like all the other guys it’ll fade or he’ll come walking in with a new girl and I’ll take that as my cue to let go.

I think this is what I’ve been missing. To see and look at it for what it is and maybe now I’ll be able to move on as soon as I’m ready. There’s no point in holding on so damn strongly to this anymore. If it was mine I wouldn’t have to hold on that tight, and if it’s not I have to let it go anyway.

rose.
7:10pm