walk away in 2018

5:36pm

I ended on a weird note the other day. I don’t even know why. I just slipped into a funk I guess. Thinking about how I go round in circles on everything in life.

I’m realizing that I’m too damn stubborn to let go of TF. I don’t even know if I really want him anymore? Like I’m just fooling myself into thinking it’s a real thing. Then I get all confused. Do I want him, or do I not? Am I crazy? I know I’m a little bit crazy, but am I really crazy? What the heck is wrong with me!?

I do know that I’m being really stubborn about it. Every time I think about him I think about how I want him to want me. I want to convince him that we’re right for each other. But is that my pride talking? My wanting to win whatever the heck this is.

There’s this part of me, my heart or my head or something, that cannot let go of the idea of him. That just really wants that vulnerable self-conscious guy that blushed when I asked if he was going to take my phone number. Like that guy would be perfect for me!

But what happens if I get him? Is that it? Is it just the chase that I enjoy? If I get him am I going to stop wanting him? This is what confuses me. And is making me crazier than I already am. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know if I can’t let go because I’m not supposed to, or just because I like having someone to hang on to. Is this like CK? It took me forever to stop talking about him. Except I always knew Ck and I wouldn’t end up together. This is the first time I felt like it was more and maybe that’s why I don’t want to let go. I never wanted to feel this way about more than one person. I never expected to feel it more than once. That could be why I’m hanging on so strongly. I don’t even know any more.

I want to get over it but I honestly don’t know how to let go. And I realize that I don’t have a lot going on so that’s why it’s easier to hold on. If I wait long enough I’m sure I’ll stop talking about him. I’m sure the feelings will fade. Some day maybe some new distraction will walk in the door and I’ll move on and this will become a distant memory.

Except just now I was typing that sentence and I wanted to write “some day some new distraction” and my brain was pushing my fingers to type “maybe” in-between. Because apparently I can’t even put in definite terms that someone else will come in and take his place. Something must be wrong with me.

I think that adding his sister on fb was a mistake. He’s too close now. It’s too easy to access. She does things like post a bunch of pictures from the weekend where they’re all celebrating their mom’s birthday and there he is in half the pictures. I’m looking at him, and he’s so attractive to me, and he looks so relaxed sitting on the couch. I like that side of him. A lot. And I see his hand without a ring and I think about marrying him. Then I think about what an idiot I’m being imagining things like that with someone who hurt me. Someone who never wanted to spend any time with me. I think about what a fool I am for ever thinking that that could have been more.

I’m confused all over again and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to turn off the thoughts. I don’t know how to freaken make them stop.

Also, I’ve had too much to drink for a Thursday night so ignore every thing I’ve already said because they’re just thoughts that spill out when my filter’s low.

Tomorrow’s quiet at work and then Saturday’s packed every hour. I can’t wait for my day off on Sunday. I’m taking each day one at a time. Trying to keep my stress levels low although today was a little nuts when we couldn’t find a file. I’m way behind in work because normally it’s slow this time of year and I can catch up on things, but this year people are coming out of the woodwork. Which is good except we’re still behind so I don’t know. It’s a weird year. I feel like I’ve been pretty relaxed but there’s just so much going on. Outside of work stuff I mean.

I think I’ve been good about remaining calm and not letting things get to me. I like that over the years I’ve become much more relaxed. It is what it is, right? There isn’t much I can do about any of it. I’ve still got most of that confidence I found last year so I can still look in a mirror and be happy with what I see. I can make small talk with strangers and reconnect with clients. I’m growing every year.

I know that I have so much more to work on in my personal life but I’ve grown leaps and bounds over a few years ago. I’m so much different than I used to be. In a really good way! I will forever credit TF for giving me this confidence in myself. For saying just enough to let me convince myself I’m worth something. For convincing me that I really am beautiful. And that’s not the reason I can’t let go, but I will forever be grateful that he made me feel that way. He changed my whole world.

I want to move on, I do. But I don’t know how…

rose.
10:30pm