relentless in 2018

4:31pm

I swear I wrote an entry yesterday, but maybe it was all in my head? Because I cannot find it anywhere. I’m not even sure what I wanted to say in that entry so I guess it doesn’t matter. I will start over.

It’s very warm sitting by the window this afternoon. I like it but it makes me want to sit outside with an ice cold beer and I still have at least another month and a half before I can do that. I’m excited for summer again this year. I’m really going to try to be more social, but I don’t know. I always feel like I want to do that and then I get all wrapped up in my introverted world.

It might be nice to hang out with the client. As long as he can continue to accept just being friends. Like I don’t want him to think that my hanging out means I’m interested in more. I know I’m pretty good about making these things clear but I definitely don’t want to lead any one on. So I’m willing to hang if we can keep the boundaries. We’ll see how it goes. I’ll feel it out more as it gets closer. I know he likes to spend time at the lake, and I’m not really a lake/water/lots of people person, but it might be nice to hang out. As long as I don’t have to wear a swimsuit. hah.

Now that I’m cool with JR’s girl I might hang out with them more too. I mostly wanna hang with the baby. We were all getting along pretty well before I went back to work full-time. It’s probably my turn to pay them back a few dinners too. I’ll put them on my potential hang out list.

I would like to make time to go out to Seattle again. I didn’t make it this last year. Life was busy and things were weird with my brother. He’s back in his own apartment after a disaster of a roommate situation so at least I’ll have my own space. I would have visited this year regardless but it’s a lot different when a stranger’s around and I’d be in the common areas. It’ll be good to hang again. We’re getting along alright although he’s got this petty bs thing going on with Mom so I’ve been stuck in the middle, which I hate. Not my fight though. They’re both so damn similar it’s hard to change either one.

Mostly I want a calzone and a giant margarita and it’s worth dealing with my brother for a few days. haha. There’s plenty of stuff to explore too now that he’s back in the area. Texas was fun because we had family there but I’ve always loved Washington. Those are my people with their beer drinking and flannel wearing attitudes. ;) I realized I haven’t been there since I moved him into his place in October of ‘16. Right? That was such a nice October sigh

I’m at home now. The afternoon was busy and then we went out to dinner because we missed lunch. It’s probably best I got distracted because I’m sure I was about to ramble on about TF again. =\

My heart is flickering and fluttering all over the place right now. Not sure what’s going on in there? Sometimes I wish I could find a way to look inside of myself and figure out what’s wrong. I just want answers and it’s not like a bruise or cut where you can see why something hurts. There’s no way to see inside and it’s so exhausting to live in the darkness.

Anyway, I’m not getting into all that. It’s a pointless, relentless, round and round cycle. Kinda like every damn thing I do in life. ugh. -_-

Every thing I think of to say now seems like a repeat of every thing I always say and I feel stupid for bringing it up. Guess I’m done.

rose.
9:51pm