like it doesn't exist in 2018

12:45pm

Today’s a long day at work. I’m surprised it’s so busy for a Saturday at this time of year. That’s alright though. We’re a little behind and so it’s good to catch up on stuff. Most of them were drop offs so they’re all close to ready. That certainly makes things easier.

I did that thing where I mistakenly read back on old entries from this time last year and of course it was exactly a year ago that I was getting stood up, or about to get stood up and didn’t even know it.

I feel mostly okay about everything right now but looking back on that stuff still hurts. You know it brings back up all those old feelings. Like you can feel it all over again as if it were occurring right in this moment. I can picture it all. I remember where I was, and what was going on, and the heartbreak I felt to watch it all fall apart before my eyes.

I am ok though.

Just yesterday I was thinking about things and I’m really fine with it being whatever. I get that if it were meant to be it would happen. And I really want a guy who wants me. Someone who can’t get enough of me, including my terrible sarcasm and all of my crazy quirks. It’s all a part of the package.

It’s weird because I say that and then I think about how the client is still hanging around [albeit very quietly these days] and that’s kinda describing him. He wants to hang out, and likes to be in contact, and does sh*t like show up with hand-welded metal flowers out of the blue on Valentine’s day…and I don’t want him at all. It’s like I’m asking the world for something and I’m rejecting it at the same time. So I feel stupid for continuing to ask for what I should already accept I have. Does that make sense?

Anyway I thought about it and yeah. It is what it is. Like I really do need to move on and get over this whole thing. It’s not serving me any real purpose anymore. I get that. I guess it’s just something to obsessive over. That’s the way my brain works. I need some thing/one to hold on to even if I don’t really want them anymore.

Honestly I’m in no hurry to change the way my life is. I’m not looking for anything casual and a long-term thing isn’t all that appealing either. I like my life. I’m in no hurry to move out of my comfort zone. I like where I’m living and how my life is going. I like that I can pack my bag and take off tomorrow without letting anyone know. I can disappear for a month and not have any responsibilities back home to worry about. Why would I want to change that?

Sure, I’d love to have a partner. Someone to hang out with and share life with. There’s no reason not to want that part of it. I am still human. It all seems so complicated though and I don’t need complications. I’m too easy going for ‘complicated’. [irl - because clearly on here I come off as complicated in my thoughts haha]

What I’m realizing is that my struggle is coming from having to let go of the attraction that I felt towards him. That I still clearly feel when we’re in the same space. Because I’ve never been attracted to a man like that in my life. There have been plenty of crushes and sure I think just about every cop on LivePD is uber cute, but I’ve never felt that kind of chemical connection to anyone else. And I’m worried that I’ll never find that again.

Also, I hate the prospect of having to start over with someone new. Not that I’d settle. Clearly I wouldn’t do that. But I know that I’m going to run into the exact same situation no matter what the guy’s like. It’ll always be me having to justify my decisions and convince someone I’m worth it. Which isn’t fair at all but what can ya do? I guess I’m not really interested in convincing someone else right now anyway, or any time soon. That’s probably why I’m all whatever about the whole thing now. Too much effort with minimal reward so far.

I don’t like to quit. I hate giving up and I hate the idea of being on my own for ever, but maybe it’s true that I’m too damn picky. I expect too much. I’m built differently and I’m not good at compromising.

Ah well. Such is life. I’m over the whole mess. I’ll always miss him and be grateful for what I got out of the whole thing, but I’m tired of letting it consume me.

Now I just have to figure out how to put out the fire he lit inside of me. I never really talked about it but with that attraction came a lot of other feelings. Obviously ;) It was like this lion was quietly sleeping inside of me and his flirting/flattering/attention/affection woke it up. And I don’t know how to put it back to bed.

How can I ever possibly get that lion back to sleep when it’s already seen the light?
How do you smother those flames…

rose.
9:44pm