well that's that in 2018

1:41pm

Well, what can I say today? I think I’m going to have to block out that feature where we can go back and read old entries that were posted on the same day of the year because I’m realizing now that I write the same damn thing all the time. Like it’s always some version of the same thing: I don’t know what to say. I’m procrastinating. I’m avoiding… I really should try to be a little more creative in my writing. hah. Or instead of a signature line I can just have a standard opening line. Maybe that’ll do it. =)

Hi, here are today’s thoughts:

I started that log book, right? Where I’m tracking my eating, and pills, and pain levels. So far I’ve learned that I basically eat the same thing every day. Apparently I love routine. haha. Also I eat a lot of carbs, which is probably why I get so sad when I cut them out and every meal feels boring. ;) I do need to make improvements in the vegetable and fruit department though. There is a noticeable lack of all things colorful in my diet.

But anyway, I’m not really using this as a food journal or trying to make changes to my diet right now. My options are limited while I’m working this seasonal schedule. I’ll do better once I’m out. Losing weight for Hawaii wouldn’t hurt though?
My pain these days is ranging anywhere from a 1 to 3. Still almost exclusively in my upper right thigh. I have no idea what is going on in there. Last time it went away completely while I was on steroids and this time it has not. I’m thinking maybe I pulled a muscle and that’s why it hasn’t gone away. I should have mentioned an MRI to the doc but I don’t have time to do anything right now. Another thing to add to the after-the-season list.

At this point I’m happy to just be able to walk upright. If I can find a way to maintain that, I’ll be good to go. I don’t know what it’s going to be like in a couple days when I taper off the steroids. I did try that new medication last night but haven’t seen any improvements. I don’t think they’re meant to instantly work and honestly I was quite hesitant to even try them. Then I took one last night hoping for some extra relief and I ended up with a bloody nose within a couple hours. I used to get nose bleeds a lot as a kid but it has to be at least 15 years since I’ve had one! It was so weird. Flashbacks to a childhood of blood dripping down my face and holding my head back to make it stop. I’d forgotten all about that honestly until I saw the blood last night.

Now, I can’t actually connect the bleeding nose to the new med. I do like to track this stuff though. I also had very light chest pain on the left but it didn’t last long. I tried to check my BP but I couldn’t get the cuff to work correctly. One of the side effects is that it can raise your BP so that’s what I was worried about.
This morning I took another to test it again. No bloody nose, thank God. But I did notice a weird throbbing/dullness in my left ear. Still can’t make a concrete connection. I could be getting sick because my mom’s coughing up a storm and blowing her nose about every 30 seconds right now. I really hope that is not the case. I successfully avoided a cold earlier this year when things were bad with the flu and I don’t know how much longer my immune system is willing to defend itself. We’ll see I guess. I’m just recording for record’s sake.

And so I don’t ruin my world record for number of entries that can mention TF: =]

I posted that really long entry about our meeting yesterday and this morning I read back on the entry from last year and realized that I keep saying the same things. Just like I start all the entries the same way. But in that entry I specifically wrote about his chest tattoo, which apparently a year later is still one of the sexiest things about him. Even though I’ve never seen the whole thing!! haha! ;) [Also, I totally saw that other guy I mentioned with the tattoo this morning and I literally have not seen him since January. Weird world!]

I’m starting to think my obsessive compulsive disorder has manifested itself into an obsession over this man. I cannot figure out how to get over him! Like I know we were terrible and I won’t let him get close to me, but I think about him all the time. I just want to be able to hang out with him and shoot the sh*t and have a couple beers. I want him to be my friend, damn it! I also know that being friends is probably out of the question. There’s a lot of tension between us and I don’t exactly want to keep my hands off of him if we’re alone in a room together. hah. Although I do have a lot of self-control so I could totally just be friends with him for a while. I’m worried about his side of things.

Some thing is clearly wrong with me! -_-

I have always called myself a walking contradiction. I guess this isn’t much different. I want him, but I don’t. And maybe adding his sister on fb was a mistake because it’s like I’m too close now. All those pictures and stuff. This thing popped up last night where all the sisters (in-law) were saying they wanted to get matching tattoos. The comments were kinda funny and I thought, “dang, I want sisters to get matching tattoos with!” =P One of his actual sisters specifically tagged him in a comment and said they should get matching ones too. It was silly but it’s stuff like that, that I wish I had in a family or future family, and it’s every where. Reminders of how nicely I’d fit in in that world.

Even yesterday his neighbor came in to the office and she’s funny. We get along really well. And my mind drifts off to hanging out at his house during the summer and playing with her kids across the way and…why am I so stupid for fantasizing about this!?!

Some day I am going to come in here and roll my eyes at what an idiot I’m being. I mean, at least I’m not crazy like last year, so that’s an improvement. Still not good though.

I keep thinking about him and I’m like, “gah, I want him so bad!! We’d be perfect. I’m so attracted to him. We had great chemistry before. He made me feel so good about myself. etc. etc.” But then I think about how I only want him if I can have things my way. Like I’d totally give him another chance if he wanted it but it would have to be on my terms. We can’t do the same sh*t over again. The first sign of a roller coaster, or spinning in circles, and I’m done. I wouldn’t drag it out nearly as long knowing what I know now.

How do I convey all that to him though? I want to hear his take on things. What he wants, what he thinks, what he’s willing to sacrifice, if anything. That’s why I’m leaning towards a really casual hang out grab lunch kinda thing and if it comes up, it comes up. No big deal. I just don’t like the idea of being that forward and being the one to make the move. I might have to for my own peace of mind, but like I said, I’m waiting until at least after the season.

I called him yesterday to ask a work question but he didn’t answer and hasn’t called back. I didn’t leave a message so I’m not expecting much. I was going to joke about whether or not we are friends yet, but oh well.

I need to get my brain in check. These thoughts are too much. Therapy perhaps? Some psycho-therapist to tell me I’m not actually crazy but I need to free my mind of this obsession.

There shouldn’t be too many more entries on the topic. I mean, I can’t guarantee it. I know I’m still processing so much in my head. [and I’ve got a world record to keep! ;)] but there really shouldn’t be any new revelations considering I have no reason to see him again this year. His case is mostly settled, there shouldn’t be any more letters, and everything else has been processed. There’s no pending business reason to see each other. Now if I could get my brain to shut up I think I’ll be fine. I’ll survive. I’ll end the season, and have some fun, and continue this same routine over and over again.

Maybe in the end I just want what I can’t have and that’s all there is to it. I want to convince myself my gut was right all along and I want to win. I like getting what I want. I’m independent, and stubborn, and proud, and losing is just not in my vocabulary. Not convincing him that I’m worth whatever it is I think I’m worth feels a lot like losing. So maybe that’s all this is. It’s not him that I can’t let go of…it’s my pride.

rose.
4:44pm