Growing Up & Growing Apart in Life in the Lost Lane...

How does like sometimes just get away from us? Like thick as thieves one day and the next not so flipping much? I have to say that my no so much friend anymore have been through a lot, and who wouldn’t after being friends for 20+ years? Like I’ve seen her pregnant with out of her 4 kids, I’ve seen them grow up until i moved away at which time we lost contact for roughly 5 years. And when we finally were able to connect again it was like it never stopped, i cant say that i ever stopped thinking about her, it was a rough leaving, her and her bf had made some questionable comments about my ex, which i took as a personal offense because i would never bring someone into your children’s life that would harm them. So off i went with my ex to Texas and if you’ve read my beginning post see that it hadn’t come out to well. When i moved home, she already had her life, husband, kids, home. And i lived far far away, but would make the trek up there when i could, which was weekly because i didnt have a job just yet. It was her and her mothers idea to have me start visiting her brother (my now husband) while incarcerated, which over the years we learned a lot of things and have a very happy marriage, he was let out on parole last year and we’ve been doing great from the beginning and phenomenal since he came home.

So since the beginning and the more serious we got the more the negative comments came and at one point i came to the conclusion after talking with my counselor that hey, we obviously cant have a regular relationship, yeah i agree with her newest comment that when my husband came into the mix it changed us, it didnt change me at all, it change her, how she looked at me and how everything went from that point forward. So at that time it came to a point a couple years ago, “i don’t welcome your negative opinions about my bf/husband, at this point forward we will have to have two separate relationships, one with me and you and one with my and my bf/husband”. And a that time that is what we have done. Very rarely did things come up with him and if it did it was slight and to the point. And we have been able to go through long periods of time without talking maybe some Facebook comments and likes from time to time and it may not have been a full on communication but it was an acknowledgement that hey i’m still here and i care. I would take the kids out on their birthdays, make special trips up there just for that. Making time in my busy schedule to make sure i came and made it special. But just last night everything went to complete shit.

There’s been family tension going on for quite a while, grandparents, aunts and uncle stuff and it was on like Donkey Kong and it was a total shit fest like everyone adding their two cents, all while i was working, on my break looking through my FB statuses and liking things, to come home to the fiasco, my bff, my friend, my not so much anymore. They all got into it, my husband added his comments, my SIL added hers and the rest of the family theirs. And i come home to find out that not only is my husband blocked from seeing her things, but so am i. Hurtful, yes, i’m very hurt. I texted her right away and she goes on to be that shes tired of the drama, my husband obviously feeds into it and so on and so forth so in attempts to block it shes blocked me as well. Because obviously i’ll let him look on mine FB to her FB. Trying to explain to her that’s why the lives were kept separate, so this wasn’t a problem. But alas that didnt matter because when i liked the comment about her grandmother and all the nice things that were said about it. It happened to be at the same moment the family feud was going on. But alas, she doesn’t want my husband in her life, nor her children’s life. But i’ll be welcome to come anytime i want. But how does that even work, i feel anything but welcome. I feel blown out of the water, for me, feeling that I’ve been there for her for so much, helped in other monetary ways when needed and this is what i get?

I get the feeling of it all crashing down around me, i get the feeling of it not being fair because i had no choice in anything that happened or had gone on. I feel so many feelings and with what’s already going on, i just feel sad, so sad and exhausted. I don’t feel welcomed, i feel that you acted very irrationally and that you’re so damn angry at the past that you’re hanging on, for whatever the damn reason is and you just don’t want to look past that. Why fake it? Why pretend to care while he was in jail, why pretend to care while he was in prison, asking for phone calls a couple of times a month. And then i come back into the picture and it all disappears? Like a child that has had her toy stolen from her, even though it was with the urging of you and your mother that we visit, what did you expect would happen? Like i’m just at a loss. Like seriously, i love you like a sister and i always will. I knew that this day would come some time but it seems to have come way to soon for my liking. I feel that i mourn for what I’ve lost not only as a friend but as a family. I was so excited to be able to call her my sister. But not even a whole day later i’m getting angry at the whole situation. How unfair of you to even think i couldn’t keep separate, when in fact i think that you have been looking for something all along, something to make the break, something to make feel good about it or something to justify why you’re in the right.

When in fact i don’t think that you are at all. I very much think that you’re in the wrong, you let your anger dictate everything. I’ve always made the time, I’ve always made the next steps and i feel that the only time you’ve even tried since i started my new life with your brother, when you needed something, I’ve been there, every time that you needed an ear, a shoulder and a loan. I’ve been there. But as my counselor has mentioned in the past, what does she really do for you? You do all this stuff and then some and she’s only around when something is needed. Years ago when i had to make the decision to make things separate, those words of wisdom helped immensely. As i tried to reason with her, as i tried to be positive, as i tried to stay on the brighter side. I realized that her anger and hate was at an all time high and there was nothing that i could do to change anything that she has convinced herself what she thought was true. I do love her, even though i’m very hurt and exhausted at this time, hopefully in the future she’ll realize that there is something wrong with her way of thinking. As much as i want to be apart of her life and the life of her children, i feel so damn uncomfortable right now. I have a child’s birthday in a couple of months, do i continue with my traditions of taking them out and then shopping or do i just send them some money and that be that. I have a lot of feelings that i’m going to have to think through and it seems very daunting.

Until next time…