seeking closure in 2018

8:17pm

Well, I think this is the latest I’ve started an entry in a while. Usually I get them rolling at work and I actually tried to do that a couple times today but it wasn’t happening. We weren’t terribly busy but it was a constant stream of all things going on.

I want to give a few updates. Hopefully this won’t be too long. I need to cut back on the amount of words I use in these things. ha.

I’m on day two of the steroids. I woke up this morning with leg pain ranging between 1-3, whereas yesterday [and the past few days] I’ve been between a 7-10 in the mornings. So that’s a vast improvement. I’ll take it.

I did have some issues in the afternoon where I started limping pretty good and even after I got home there were some issues but it’s mostly ok. Nothing above a 5. Just annoying with the limping. Little by little I guess.

I’ve started a log book and we’ll see how it goes. Right now I’m recording food/drink, number/kind of pills, and pain levels. I need to get control of this sooner rather than later. It’s been so long already. Like the doctor client said yesterday, I am way too young to be dealing with all this. I have so much life to live, God willing, and I don’t want to spend the rest of it in pain.

In slightly different news: I’ve been thinking about this whole TF thing. Of course, obviously! It’s been all over the place. Pretty much every entry I come across from this time last year has mention of him. I was really trying to work through that non-stop chatter taking over my brainspace. It is nice to look back on though. I can see exactly when I started to get fed up with the sh*t I was going through. Like I knew it wasn’t doing me any good and I knew I kept willingly jumping back into that cycle. So it’s interesting to read back and see that I was clearly done with it before that last convo in March. I think I had to convince myself that it was ok to let go. That I would survive without him.

Anyway, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to reach out to him and invite him to lunch/dinner/breakfast so we can hang out and talk.
1) I am not sure how receptive he’ll be to this idea to have a super open dialogue but seeing him the other day gave me hope he’d be at least a little vulnerable. 2) I think I’ll end up doing most of the talking anyway because I’ve always wanted him to know where I was/am coming from. 3) This is probably for my own sense of closure and maybe that’s a bit selfish.

I’m definitely going to sit on this a while. Like I don’t plan on doing or saying anything until at least after the season is over. I’m not going to give up my one day off to do this. I learned my lesson last year. I’m too afraid of being stood up again. =\

I’d love for him to be the one to say something to me. To reach out and want to talk, even if it’s not about all that happened. I’m keeping my expectations low, but it doesn’t help that he made it a point to say ”see you soon” right before he walked out the door.

He doesn’t even know how his words affect me. And he always catches me off guard.

rose.
9:31pm

Last updated February 23, 2018