fire meet gasoline in 2018

Feb. 21, 2018
4:51pm

I am so tired today. I went to bk just before 3pm and I could have easily fallen asleep as I waited in the drive-thru line. The music was good and the car was rumbling. It was perfect mostly because sleep last night was terrible. I was up just before 3am and fell back asleep after 5, but then was waking up about every half hour or so until my alarm went off. Not that it was all that surprising. Last night was kinda emotional for me.

I didn’t expect to feel that way at all. Like I knew it was going to be slightly weird being around him again, especially for more than 5 minutes, but I didn’t expect to have that kind of reaction after he left. I couldn’t even write about it last night because everything was aching inside. It sucks that I keep making this sound so dramatic but I don’t know how not to. It’s just what I’m feeling. And when he walked out that door yesterday I felt myself crumble a little. It feels so much like when he’s around every thing is right in the world and when he leaves I lose a little piece of my puzzle. That’s crazy right? And stupid. It doesn’t even make sense to me. I must be stuck in my fairytale world where only these feelings exist.

It’s hard to consider ever feeling that way about anyone else. I’m not sure it’s even a possibility in my mind right now. He’s stupid but I still want him. Like the way he was yesterday is exactly what I love about him. I don’t understand why he couldn’t just be like that with me when we were trying to work things out. He got all overzealous and couldn’t control himself and it wasn’t meshing with what I wanted.

The one thing I do like, well one of the things, is that I’m not all crazy in the head anymore. All those chemicals in my brain have subsided and even though I’m still attracted to his face it doesn’t make me feel like a nut job this time around. I really like that because I hated the way I felt back then. I hated how easy it was to lose myself in the process, which I guess is one of the great things about it not having worked out. I still like him [obviously, or there wouldn’t be five million entries about him!] but I’m pretty confident that I don’t know how to let him get close to me. I’m too damn scared to ever let that man even kiss me. It won’t work. I’m impossible to get close to. Despite how quickly he broke through my initial walls, I’m realizing now that I must have a 2nd set of them further back I didn’t even know existed. No body had ever made it through the initial set. ha. =\

He’d walked in as we were wrapping up lunch around 3pm [new lunch hour I guess?]. Mom was closer so she walked out to greet whoever it was and when I didn’t hear anything I suspected it was him. She’d talked to him in the morning when he called while I was away at the bank. I guess she found him walking back from the opposite side of the office. I thought he was hiding from us. I thought about it though and the other day when he walked in I was sitting back there so maybe he went to search for me. He realized we were eating and said he’d come back but then I heard their voices getting closer and knew he was following her to the back. I was already standing up when they rounded the corner. We were joking about eating and he rejected her offer for a slice of homemade cake.

She started digging through paperwork and I walked past them to come up front and he followed me. I asked how things were going. He got super self-conscious saying that he wasn’t as in shape as he wants to be. It took me by surprise because he just launched into a whole spiel about it and all I expected him to say was he was fine or whatever. I shouldn’t admit it, but I kinda enjoyed how self conscious he was. I mean he was kinda like a girl, but it let me see that vulnerable side of him. Which I guess serves me absolutely no good except to make me like him more. Y’all know I like to connect to people’s hearts!
He was talking about how the doc told him to stop drinking beer because he’d put on too much weight. I asked why he’d started drinking so much and he just said he got tired of drinking vodka. hah. [and that it had been a nice summer] It’s probably healthier to have vodka though! ;) Later it came up again while he was at the desk with mom and he said he was told to stop eating red meat and drinking milk. Apparently he really loves milk, which I never would have pictured. Big strong man like that loving his milk and cookies. haha! I ended up telling him to stop because I wouldn’t say that he was fat. And he goes, “but I’m not skinny.” “Well, no, not exactly. We have to be realistic here.” =| Uhh…didn’t realize that might have still been a little harsh. haha. My bad.

While he was still up front though he was talking about how he was going to bring a bottle of tequila but I told him I wasn’t drinking any more. I asked when I would have said a thing like that and he said, “during our first conversation.” Hmm? I kinda knew what he meant but I said, “what? like five years ago?” and he hesitated to find a way to say he meant our first conversation this year. Or our first conversation in almost an entire year. I liked the way he squirmed a little. It’s all about the small satisfactions in life.

I asked if I was joking when I said that and he said it was really hard to tell with me. I said something about my terrible sarcasm and he goes, “yeah, I don’t get it. It makes me crazy sometimes.” =] Oops?

I told him it was a good thing that we weren’t friends so he didn’t have to deal with it all the time and he started to say stuff about how I’d ignored his friend request or something. I said that that wasn’t true. There’s no way that would have happened. So we started talking fb and he said he couldn’t find me and I told him it wasn’t that hard. I mentioned again the name I was under and joked about how it shouldn’t be that difficult to find [super common name - I was being sarcastic again]. He asked if I realized how many there were. I mentioned we ‘probably’ had friends in common and at some point said something about how I’d already given him all this information and it must be in an old text somewhere. He asked if I knew how many phones he’s gone through since then. Apparently he has to sign them out from work now and they give him really old used ones because he goes through them so quickly. I didn’t even think until later to mention the tech 21 case. hah. My phone was actually plugged in on the cabinet behind me and I have a feeling he saw it but didn’t mention it [we used to joke about my old phone. Also I walked back to poke at it a couple times while he was here].

He was doing that thing where he insisted on touching every damn thing on my desk and I kept asking if it was really necessary. At one point he moved to go behind my desk and I stepped over to block him the exact same way I did with his brother. He asked why he couldn’t go through and I said I knew he was going to touch everything. He complained a little and I let him pass. What’s the big deal anyway. I actually thought he was going to poke at my phone at this point but he didn’t go near it. Just touched everything else and left my piggy bank crooked. He’d just touched the one up front but couldn’t get it open so he’d gone to see the other one [did I not mention he would be the one to do this!?] I asked why he left it crooked and he said that way he’d know if I let other people touch it. Uh ok. Or it would just be me putting it back because it’s freaken crooked! hah. Weirdo.

I don’t even know what the hell he was wearing but he had the top of his shirt open enough to where I could see that tattoo across his collarbone and damn if that is not one of the sexiest things to me on a man. Did I tell y’all about the guy that came in earlier this year? He was not my type at all! But the dude was wearing a pair of suspenders [hello 2nd sexiest thing!] and by the time he was leaving I noticed a tattoo across his chest and I was smitten. I didn’t even care what the rest of him looked like! Or the fact that he was a cook and when asked what his favorite meal to prepare was he said fried eggs, which I cannot stand and seemed uninventive. Didn’t matter though, I was all about that guy for at least the rest of the day. =P

Anyway, I was multi-tasking after TF went to sit down with mom. I didn’t really know what to do so I was putting files away that had piled up on my desk. I went to drop one off in the back and I heard him ask if he could use the restroom. Of course in my mind I was like, “oh shit, he’s going to follow me back here and say/do something.” But we glanced at each other and he walked into the bathroom. Only the stopper was in the door so I called out “wait” and he seemed shocked and goes, “what?!” I mentioned the stopper but he’d already started kicking it out from the door and said he saw it.
So I walked back up front [after I looked in the mirror again. I’d been worried b/c I’d just finished eating and hadn’t checked myself before he walked up front with me. I did go into the bathroom after he’d sat down though and found nothing luckily.] and I grabbed another file but when I went to put it away it didn’t have a name. I was going to stick it in there anyway but decided to go find a pen. I went to the desk and leaned over to start writing on the folder. Of course this is when he decided to come out of the bathroom. When I saw him putting the stopper back in I said he didn’t have to do that and he got “annoyed” and I said “fine! I’m sorry. I was just trying to help.” And he walked over and reached for the calculator by my hand and clicked all the buttons. -_-

I’m not gonna lie though. The attraction is still there. So when he came out of that room and reached towards me as I stood there half-bent over the desk all I could think about was him wrapping his arms around my entire body. sigh I need to get over that man.
Sometimes I wonder if his touching every damn thing near me is a way for him to control his desire to actually touch me. Because I know I purposely stood closer to him when I went to get his signatures. I’d been standing there waiting when mom suggested I point out where to sign. So I dropped the two pieces of paper I didn’t need onto the chair next to him and scooted close to lay the other in front of him. I pointed at where he needed to sign and date. When he asked the date I started to say 2.20.17 and started laughing. He asked what was going on and what he’d done wrong and I go, “no…that was me. I told you the wrong date. haha.” Such a dope. I didn’t even do it on purpose to screw him up!

Right around this time JR walked in and I did one of those “ohh look who’s finally here!” And maybe I did it a little exaggerated on purpose. =] TF could not see who I was talking about. JR laughed and moved towards my desk. I laid the papers I was holding on the desk and excused myself to follow him. I wish I knew what ran through TF’s mind in that moment. The way I disappeared so quickly. Not that I was necessarily trying to make him jealous, but a little mystery doesn’t hurt. He had his chance.

I saw the stack of papers JR brought in and told him I’d go through it and call with questions. At the same time mom was going to run TF’s cc so I told her I’d be right there. I have a system. So JR came back up front with me and kept glancing at TF who was sitting sideways in his chair watching us. They know each other so I was surprised JR didn’t say anything but I don’t think he recognized him right away. It took a couple glances before he said hi. I was giving JR a hard time because I’d had paperwork sitting there for him to sign for over a week. At some point I hear TF call out that it was good to know he wasn’t the only person to get harassed around here. JR started to agree with him and I said that I didn’t harass him and he goes, “do you want to listen to all the voicemails.” I knew it wasn’t true but I played along. Went into a thing about how then I text, and email, and call again if I still don’t hear back. TF was pretty amused and I was annoyed JR would throw me under the bus like that so quickly. hah. [I mentioned it to him the next day and he said that TF thought it was funny. Well yeah, you agreed with him! Way to defend me!]

There were other things said but I was multi-tasking trying to run the card, talk, defend myself, and make sure I had all the papers I needed. They talked about his brother and mom brought up his baby and asked if TF had seen him. It wasn’t long before he disappeared right back out the door. Interesting how serious TF had gotten though while he was here and then a minute or so after he left was back to normal. I remember that time he said he thought JR was my cousin and when I corrected him to say we weren’t related he got a little weird then too. Not that it’s anything since everyone knows JR has a fiancé and new baby.

sidenote: I do realize this is getting extremely long. So many details keep popping into my head. I’m going to try my best to finish today because I let it sit for several days then finally got around to it again Sunday night. Added a lot of paragraphs. Worked on it a little yesterday afternoon at work and here I am again still not done.

A few things left to note:
I think I got my timeline wrong. Because I think I was in the middle of making copies when JR walked in. I’d been standing next to TF when he asked if I’d done something to my leg. Here I thought my limping wasn’t as obvious that day! I mumbled through my spiel on how it’s an old injury/swelling/no idea what’s going on. I don’t like to give too many details. It’s a long damn story. So he was telling me that he has issues with his legs too. His feet, or his knees, something. He didn’t say much either. What a pair we’d make!
I walked away to make copies and as I stood at the printer my mom was asking if he’d seen me walking with a cane. Well no! That was 10 years ago. I didn’t even know he existed back then. I have no idea why she tells people about that. I’d walked back to the desk and she was still saying stuff about it and I said there was nothing to tell. Then I whispered, “he doesn’t need to know all that.” Trying to get her to move off the subject because come on! He obviously heard me whisper and called me out on it. I think this is when JR actually walked in because I remember being saved from the conversation. It’s not that I care if he knows. It’s just that that is one of the darker aspects of my world and it made me feel really vulnerable to have him hear about it. It’s one of those things where I start to feel like who’s going to want me if I’m crippled and broken you know, so I don’t like to share. I did hear her whispering things to him when I’d walked away so when I got back I asked what they were talking about. He said they weren’t talking about me and neither one would tell me. When I called her on it after he left she said he was basically just saying how messed up it was that no one knows what’s going on and that’s all she’d say.

Earlier in our meetup [which apparently only lasted like an hour but includes every story possible. hah!] I’d said something really snarky to him but I don’t remember what it was. I caught myself and said, “Sorry…was that too mean?” and he launched into this whole thing about how he didn’t know what I had going on in my life, or what was wrong with me, but he was going to be here to support me and I could say whatever I needed to say, and all kinds of stuff I don’t remember. It was a really good speech honestly. I’ll give him props. Although there was a total double standard because he did his fair share of poking at me without even sarcastically apologizing. Even mom kept doing that thing where she sighs loudly and says “oh you two” while also shaking her head. We can’t help ourselves apparently! =\

sidenote2: when mom and I were alone later I made a comment about how we were a lot like fire and gasoline. Idk if it was that night or later on where she said we’d end up one of those couples we always see on cops that have these crazy domestic violence situations. I told her I didn’t think we’d ever hit each other but I could guarantee there wouldn’t be a lot of yelling and cursing. [there’s a Freudian slip here b/c obviously I mean could not] hah. It’s something I was actually worried about. We’re both so damn passionate, and stubborn, and proud. That does not seem like a good combo!

Another time mom brought up about his brother performing the weddings and we were joking around about what a good job he’d do and his funny mustache, so I go, “I’ve already said I want him to marry me too.” And TF hesitated and then goes, “he’s already married. You can’t marry him…” -_- Ugh. Duh!
Me: I want him to perform the ceremony, dummy.
TF: Ohh. I get it. long pause You’d probably have a better chance of him marrying you then marrying anyone else.
Gasp I snapped my head over in his direction and was totally shocked. This dude was saying I had a better chance to get his married brother to leave his wife of who knows how many years than I would to get one of the millions of single guys in the world to marry me! So rude!
Me: Dang. That’s so mean.
TF: What??
Me: You just said no one’s ever going to want to marry me!
He went on to say that that’s what he was saying and that I was picky. He even got mom involved and asked if she agreed with him and she said that yeah it was true that I was too picky. Way to throw me under the bus though mom! But that’s because she’s heard of all the other guys I’ve rejected! He hasn’t! And he had this look on his face like he’d received all the confirmation he ever needed. So I said, “It’s not that I’m picky. I just have standards!” And he said that was another word he didn’t know [earlier he’d joked he didn’t know the word “moderation” when the eating stuff came up]. Whatever. It was pointless to argue with them. I’m not going to win, but I think I made my point. If he was referencing my ‘rejection’ of him at any point I think he knows very well that he’s no saint.
Actually, we’d had a quick exchange when he’d taken a candy and then asked how old they were because they didn’t taste the same. Mom went to the back to grab something different and he asked where she was going. I told him it was to get a new candy because those were super old. He never gets my jokes though so he asked if I was serious. I laughed, “I’m kidding. Come on now. You didn’t do anything that bad that I’d want to poison you!” =] He said something really quick like “you never know” or “maybe I did”, whatever it was it sounded like a confession so I go, “wait…are you admitting to doing something wrong?” And I got a little more satisfaction out of watching him squirm again. He mumbled stuff and then says, “well, yeah, I’m sure I was obnoxious…” I feel like mom must have walked back into the room because I don’t remember responding.

He did say at some point that he was Never getting married and I asked if we could quote him on that because it’s such a strong thing to say. [also, is it bad that I kinda like hearing that? Not that I want him to be miserable but I don’t really want him to walk in here with another girl either. at least not right now..] He corrected himself that maybe “never” was too much. He was going to make some point about this whole thing but he accidently called mom by the wrong first name and lost his train of thought. haha. At first I thought it was a joke but he caught himself and turned bright red and started laughing out of embarrassment. I could tell mom was trying to get info out of him about his ex because she made jokes about how they were probably together and he wasn’t telling us. I know she’s always had it in her mind that he’s still seeing her. Although when she brought it up he said that definitely wasn’t a thing anymore. But then made comments about “what happens if two people are married but say they’re not.” He made it seem a little suspicious. I don’t know. I’ve heard they’re not together but I also heard they were “not together” when they made their son so what do those words even mean. hah. None of my business anyway. I assume he’s seeing someone. With the comments he was making towards me last year I’m pretty sure someone must be satisfying those desires. Then again nobody’s satisfying mine. ha. ;) Who knows. Doesn’t matter.

The more I write the more I remember things that were said. I better stop or this is going to be the never-ending entry. heh. =P

rose.

Last updated February 28, 2018