Me, again? in Life, is it worth it?

So, here’s a question. Why do I feel so much more like myself when I’m drunk?
It’s a quarter after ten pm. I’ve been drinking my vodka and H. Punch. I’m not slamming it down just sorta maintaining but....it’s strange. At first, I was getting tired. It’s been almost 3 yrs. But now I’m alert and I feel like I just got myself back after all this time. I don’t feel the pressure that I normally feel. I just feel free to be myself. And it’s not a bad thing either. I don’t feel like dying right now, I…don’t feel that life sucks right now. I don’t feel like playing the victim right now. I’m here, I’m me. I’m the me that I want to be. It’s so strange. I…know that....this probably makes me some sort of alcoholic.... But why is it that none of the prescription drugs that they give me can make me feel like me? This is me,… When I don’t care what ppl think. This is me when I feel free to be me. And it’s not bad or violent. It’s not a self harming me. This is who I could be if I didn’t have so many ghosts to haunt me. The violence come from forced incongruousness. From me feeling forcibly separated from who I really am. And…I don’t blame them either. They are not physically forcing me to be someone I’m not. I have issues…ghosts… But when I drink, the ghosts go away and I’m free to be me. To love and be loved. To express myself and rep myself as who I really am rather than who I think everyone else wants me to be. Cunundrum…(sp?)....
I really need to make a friend…

Last updated February 20, 2018