TODAY in Life, is it worth it?

I’m in a state run halfway house/ mental facility now. I haven’t been drunk for 3 years but things have been bad for me lately. I should’ve reached out I guess but it’s so hard when you know nobody will understand what I’m going through. How do you explain that there’s no meaning to life? You just can’t, not to ppl who don’t understand. It’s a pointless endever. Today I was out on a pass for an appointment and I decided to get drunk. Nothing else ever can make me feel right, no drug no medication. I don’t know why, I didn’t ask for this shit. Anyway, we get a breathalyzer test when we come back so I couldn’t risk drinking while out- plus there the risk that if I drink while out, I might not come back. Then they will be looking for me. The only solution is to sneak the booze in here and then drink in my room. This is also an issue because we get patted down and go through a metal detector when we come back. I gave that some thought and came up with the following solution.
I bought a 1/2 5th of Smirnoff vodka, then went to K-mart and bought a pack of briefs- whitey tighties- and box of double seal Ziplock bags. I left and went to a pizza shop- I needed one of those little places that still have the private bathroom with the door that locks-. I ordered a couple slices, and headed for the men’s room. In the men’s room I took off my pants, opened up the pack of briefs and put a pair on over my boxer briefs. This creates a sort of smuggler’s pocket in an area that the staff here doesn’t like to check very well. I poured the vodka into a Ziplock bag, pressed out the extra air and sealed it tight. I put that bag inside another bag for extra safety. Then I tucked the bag inside my “smuggler’s pocket” and put my pants on sure enough, virtually unnoticeable. I finished my pizza and bought some hawian punch singles as an afterthought (thankfully) and caught the bus back. I got in with no issues at all-they never came close. I poured the hundred proof into my water bottle, flushed the bags, added some water and three hawian punches. Tastes pretty good. I haven’t had much but I’m a little drunk already. I don’t plan to leave my room again tonight. I’m writing, thinking and listening to Mazzy Star right now an I feel great. Remind me again, if this makes me feel ok for a change and nobody gets hurt then why is it wrong?
I guess I could get busted and get in trouble but I learned long ago, if you really want to get away with something, don’t EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT! loose lips really do sink ships.
Lately, I’ve been searching for good movies about suicide and depression. I just finished leaving Las Vegas, I’m about to watch I Stand Alone. Lately, I’ve been searching… I think I’m lonely but what’s the point in other ppl when they don’t really see me. I’m the type of guy that puts an image into most ppl’s minds. I’m 6-2, 210lbs, muscular atheletic build. Bald white guy- there are a lot of stereotypes about ppl with my description. I look tough, rugged. That’s the guy ppl think I am, some badass and I’m very good @ playing the role cause I’ve had a lifetime of practice. But I’m not really that guy. And I feel trapped by that image. I don’t wanna be a tough guy, I don’t want to kick ass. Yes, I can. And yes, I’m good at it. Yes, I’m naturally, strong and coordinated (sp?(drunk-hello😉)). But I hate sports, and guns, and fighting, and cars, and wrestling, and all those things-well, I don’t hate them but they are not me. I hate that I’m so naturally masculine that even potential boyfriends expect me to fulfill their domination fantasies. I don’t want to dominate-all the time- I want equallity. Funs fun and I can lay some pipe, but I want some dick too damn it! And I like to think....a lot, about… everything. I like to ponder and explore. Fuck, I just don’t understand modern ppl they are so superficial. I’m gonna be alone forever and even when I have someone I’m still alone.

Last updated February 20, 2018