February 20, 2018 in Journal 1

I haven’t slept for a long time. I think it may have only been two days, but I feel like I’m going crazy, so it’s no surprise I can’t remember. At 6am on Monday I went for a walk in the park because I wanted to see the sunrise. I should have slept.
I do remember now. The last time I woke up it was 11am this past Sunday. It is now 3am on Tuesday, but I have so much work to do before class. And, in the morning, I’ll need to go to class at 10am and I won’t be able to get home until 7pm. That means I will have been up for 56 hours.
I wonder what kind of dumb fucking damage I’m doing to my long-term health staying up for 56 hours. I’ve already experienced a few microsleeps and I keep daydreaming about being so physically exhausted that my heart just gives out once I fall asleep.
Also, even though I get to go to sleep at 7pm tomorrow, I won’t be able to sleep for a long time because I have another assignment that I will need to get done before 8am on Wednesday, so I’ll need to wake up at 1am to work on it.
Six hours is good though. Six hours ain’t nothin’. Six hours may even be more than I’d need.
Then, I’ll have class until 10am, then another assignment to do before Thursday at noon and baseball practice. And, lastly, I have to write the rough draft of an essay for my Genetics class by Friday, but I’m not worried about that– I don’t even think it will be graded being a ‘rough draft’ and all.
Wow… this fucking week, man. I’m wondering if I just mismanaged the fuck out of my time or all of my classes worked together to create the perfect fucking storm to jam me right in the ass!

But, honestly, I like it. I kind of like not sleeping. When I’m sleep deprived, my judgement is skewed; but, rather than being skewed towards lunacy, it skews nearer reason. When I’m sleep deprived, I am more akin to read books, exercise, eat healthy, go for a stroll through the park in the morning, and, ultimately, not procrastinate my assignments. And, the reason sleep deprivation inspires me to get my assignments done in a timely manner is because I’m afraid that if I go to sleep and plan on waking up early to finish the assignment, I may not hear my alarm because I’m in such a deep sleep and I’ll fuck everything up and completely miss my opportunity to do the assignment at all.
This was how I succeeded at CMU. They bombarded me with assignment after assignment and test after test, so that I never had time to breathe, eat, sleep, or, most importantly, give myself the time to think of anything but school. In the fall of my sophomore year, I may have slept 4 hours on average a night and lost 40 pounds in 4 months, but I worked two part time jobs and got straight A’s in 5 courses. I was accomplished.

I just want to be proud of who I am again.

Editor’s Note: I was looking at my profile and I found that I seem quite like a crazy person with this entry and yesterday’s entry plainly juxtaposed on my profile page. Yesterday, I wanted a life because that would make me content/happy. Today, I don’t want a life because that would make me accomplished/happy. Is there a way to be accomplished without slowly killing myself and content without losing my drive? Will only time tell? I’m 20 years old without a confidante– besides, perhaps, George Orwell. He gets me.

“Such, Such Were The Joys” by George Orwell

Last updated February 19, 2018