lost chance in 2018

11:17am

I keep procrastinating on the things I want to say. Hmm? How many times have I opened with that line? hah. I need to come up with something new to say.

Mostly it’s about the Sheriff but maybe a few other random tidbits too. I’m almost tempted to write all the other stuff first but I know that’s still just me procrastinating. If that habit had not served me so well throughout the years I think I would have given it up by now, but alas.

Ok, why change things now - in another great habit of mine, I am currently avoiding the client. I don’t know what it is but I feel this need to pull back from him and run the other direction. We were doing so well. He seemed perfectly fine with just being friends and that was a really good thing. Most guys can’t handle it when I tell them I only want to be friends and I can’t do any more right now. I specifically told him things were complicated for me and if he wants proof I can give him the url to this site. ha.

Lately though, I’m worried that he’s getting too attached…or something? Maybe the flower freaked me out subconsciously? A gesture like that seems to prove that he is, or would be, interested in more. No matter how hard I try I cannot seem to convince myself to want him. Despite how sweet he is and how he seems to want to please me. I just can’t.
God’s probably out there somewhere shaking his head in disappointment wondering why he took the time to send me exactly what I’d been saying I wanted and I’m rejecting it. I can’t help it though!

I keep thinking that perhaps it’s because I’m too caught up in what I’ve currently got going on and maybe once every thing settles in my brain I’ll realize this dude’s perfect and we’ll be together forever. I don’t know. Probably not? I keep staring at his face hoping I’ll feel some sort of missing attraction to him. Or I think about flirting with him and whether or not I’d enjoy his advances. None of it seems to make a difference. That makes me sad.

I really want to like him, but I don’t. So I’m doing what I always do and I’m pulling away. This last Friday he sent me a message in the morning with a selfie and I didn’t respond. By the mid-afternoon he’d sent another one and I didn’t answer that either. He’s pretty accustomed to that though because he knows I’m busy at work. I’ll usually wait until I get home and then respond but I didn’t that night. I was tired. I didn’t know what to say. The exhaustion was catching up to me and my headspace was off. I started to feel bad by Saturday night though so I apologized and said I’d been really tired and he was totally fine with it. Then yesterday we did a little back and forth although I think I’d skipped the good night message that night too. He sent another selfie showing he was out jet skiing. [I still don’t understand the selfie thing at all?] Of course he was shirtless in the pic and I thought “oh…this might change things.” but nope. Still feel the same. I responded late and then apparently he said good night a couple minutes after I put my phone on do not disturb last night. Then a good morning text, and a little bit ago another one about it being cold. I don’t know what to do though? I’m just not into it anymore and I feel like I’m giving him false hope by being so available. It seems like he can’t handle just being friends anymore and I don’t want to hurt him. But I guess ignoring him isn’t helping either.

So, a couple nights ago [Saturday…or maybe Friday b/c I was on my phone. I think? Now I’m super confused but maybe it doesn’t matter. It was one of those nights] I was poking through fb on my phone and I clicked on the search bar and because I don’t search for much and/or delete it, the Sheriff’s name popped up. I noticed right away that his picture had changed even though it was tiny. He usually has a random picture that’s law enforcement or nature related. [Do I sound like a stalker? haha. I promise I don’t look that often] The new one stood out to me because I could tell there were people in it. Upon closer inspection I discovered it was a very adorable picture of him and his grandmother! They look so great in that picture. I’ll admit, I stared at it for a while. It’s probably one of the best pictures I’ve ever seen of him!

After a while I finally clicked on it and saw 1 comment: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” gasp Oh no! She must have passed away! Please don’t say she passed away!

I scrambled to find out what had happened. Nothing else was available on his page. He’d only updated the cover and profile photo. I got smart though and searched one of the local funeral homes and…damn…sure enough, there was a picture of the lady in the obituary section. I wasn’t even sure of her name but I know the last name and the way they spoke about her definitely matched the stories I’ve heard.

Such a bummer though! I know he was really close to her. He’d light up talking about her and while telling me stories. Such good stories! Selfishly I was bummed because I’ve always wanted to meet her. I think we would have gotten along so well! And I think she would have loved me. Old people always do! I imagined being able to go out there to sit and listen to all her stories. I bet she could have kept me entertained for days with all that she lived through. I really believe it now too because her obit included info about how she worked the iron mills in WWII and won her husband over with a plate of biscuits. Man I wish I could have heard about all those adventures! =( I’m always a little envious of people that get to enjoy their grandparents, although I guess most take that gift for granted.

I wonder now if he’ll still have a reason to come out here. He used to come to visit her and get together for family stuff. Who knows what will happen to the property they have out here. I’m not really privy to the information in her will or the status of the inheritance. hah. I know he really loved the place so it’ll be even more heartbreaking if they don’t keep it in the family.

From the obit I also discovered that the funeral was going to be today. They were holding mass around 11am and then the burial in the local cemetery in the early afternoon. Early on in our knowing each other I imagined what would happen if she passed away. I know I’m totally morbid like that. But I thought about how I’d show up to the funeral to offer my support and just let my presence be known. Now that it’s real though, it would be weird to go.

At the same time as I searched the site I found out another client’s father died. Mom’s known this guy for years so I mentioned it to her and we decided we’d send a card. There won’t be any services. So I asked if she thought I should say anything to the Sheriff and she was unsure but leaning towards no. I felt the same.
Last night she asked me if I was going to go to the funeral. I said that if we had become better friends I would definitely go but the way it is now I thought it would be creepy or he’d think I’m some sort of stalker. She agreed and said maybe he’d be with his girlfriend anyway. Uhh…I don’t know where she comes up with this stuff. I told her that that didn’t matter. He’s single, he’s divorced, he’s allowed to have a girlfriend. A little later it came out that she was saying this because of that story I’d told her about him hesitating to say he was staying with a female friend after his surgery. I explained to her that it didn’t matter. That I was just relaying the information to her as a joke, like “ha ha. I caught you!” to be funny. She took it seriously though and some how thought that meant she should hold a grudge against him? I guess maybe in my defense, because she thought that meant he’d lied to me or played me? Very strange, but it’s nice she’s protective I guess?

I mean, I’m still very much confused by the mixed messages he sent me last year. I don’t understand what his intentions were or why he said all of those things to me. Like I could explain away the fact that he came back as just needing help with paperwork but I can’t explain the things that he said that he didn’t need to say.

Anyway, I resisted the urge to show up at the funeral and I also resisted the temptation to reach out to him. I don’t want to make things weird. I said I’d only reach out again if there were another natural disaster and this might be devastating but I don’t think it counts. I can pass along my condolences when/if he comes in again. I’m assuming he’s in town today, or maybe he’s been here all weekend. She just passed away on Tues/Weds I think. Like a day before my uncle. So I don’t quite know how many days he took off and/or if she was recently sick and they knew it was coming.

Either way, it doesn’t much matter. If he wanted to contact me he definitely knows where to find me, especially this time of year. So I don’t want to shove myself into his world if he doesn’t want me there. I know he would say I’m not bothering him and he doesn’t mind my contact, but it feels too strange. I’ll let this one go. I just wanted a record of it somewhere. And I hope he’s doing ok.

rose.
8:24pm

Last updated February 20, 2018