oh so wrong in 2018

2:32pm

It’s so nice to have this place back! Now I can kill lots of time at work and neglect all my tasks again! I was getting so tired of being productive. haha. ;)

Actually, I just really like to multi-task and take a break every now and then so it’s nice to be able to catch up on reading other people’s lives and type up my own little update, as mundane and insignificant as they sometimes are.

I wrote an entry up early this morning when I couldn’t sleep, but that was all in my head so of course I cannot access the perfectly placed words any longer. So we’ll see what I come up with.

I’m doing better today, health-wise, than I was yesterday but still not great. I’m hobbling around but I didn’t have to take any advil today so I’ll take that as a win. Yesterday was really bad. I hate taking the medication because I know it’s going to wreck my stomach. You do what you gotta do though. I’m just happy to be able to move today and not feel like I’m going to crumble to the floor at any given moment.

Mentally - I’m alright. Yesterday was definitely worse in that aspect as well. I’m sure it was a combination of pain and dealing with all of these emotions that have bubbled up to the surface over the last few days. I can’t remember the last night that I didn’t go to bed sobbing. And considering I’ve significantly cut back on my drinking, I know that’s not to blame. I mean, it hasn’t been that long. Last week sometime maybe. But those dark hours when I’m tired and I’m getting ready to crawl into bed are the worst. All I do is cry and cry and can’t figure out why everything hurts so damn bad.

Honestly, I think a lot of this is stuff that didn’t get processed over the last year. Like maybe I needed to see him to finally complete the puzzle. That was the missing piece I needed to finish the grieving process. Or whatever the hell this process is. Pretty much the only thing running through my mind is how stupid I was to ever think that meant anything. I think a part of me still had this sick hope that he was going to turn up again and try to sweep me off my feet. Like he’d realize what an idiot he’d been and that he couldn’t live without me. He’d confess his love and start treating me the way I know he’s capable of treating me and all would be right in the world. I would be right about him and all those feelings I felt!

But guess what, kid? Life does not work that way. I am not going to win this one. I am not going to be right about knowing that somewhere inside of him he truly cares about me. Once and for all I have to accept that I got it wrong. I did what I always do and I misjudged, and misread, and overanalyzed it to death and it never meant to him what it meant to me.

I’ve had a lot of crushes, and a lot of guys that liked me, and I’d never felt what I felt towards him. In my fairytale brain I took that to mean that it was different and perfect and just like all the love stories I’d imagined. That was my fault for being so naïve. I get that now. But it’s a hard freaken fact to accept. I’m not good at losing. I’m terrible at walking away from something that I want. I hate quitting and giving up. It is what it is though.

I’ll have to see him at least once or twice more this year and then I assume it’ll be another year before we do this over again. Right now I hate the idea of not seeing or talking to him for another year but it’s something to get used to I guess. I’ll have to do it sooner or later. I wish I could have gotten a little more closure but that’s just me being selfish and still wanting to be right about something. We’ll see how it goes and then it’ll be done.

There’s some stuff I want to say about the sheriff but it’s really late now and I’d rather just post and continue tomorrow. Not gonna lie, I spent way too much time poking through fb and tf’s page. I know. I’m a moron. There’s so much more stuff now that I’m friends with his sister. And apparently I went back far enough [there really isn’t that much] to find a picture of his ex. Guess who’s got platinum blonde hair? haha. I’m surprised it didn’t bother me more to see, but it’s no big deal really. If my timeline is correct - the picture is from a couple of months after I would have met him. For some reason I remember seeing him one time early on in our knowing each other and he looked so depressed. I’m thinking now maybe that’s when he broke up with this girl [or she broke up with him?]. All I really remember though is that that was one of the days that sparked my semi-attraction to him. I think it was my savior complex mostly, because he looked so sad and broken and y’all know I love to fix people. Weird though, coming across that today.

Now I’m off to bed. Well, I’m going to watch more live pd, have another drink, and then go to bed. First day off in almost a month tomorrow!!!!

rose.
10:19pm