sitting in the sadness in 2018

11:27am

I can’t wait for pb to come back. I’m glad someone cares enough to work on it and bring it back. Obviously it meant a lot more when OD disappeared, I’d been on there for years even after I switched from TOD, but I miss pb out of boredom. hah. And a need to write these days. So much going on in this little brain of mine.

I made a mistake this morning. See, I’d already been in a bad headspace because Thursday is my day to wake up and exercise and when I did I couldn’t lift my leg. I’ve been doing alright since I did the steroids but this morning I was basically back to where I was before I went to the doc and took any drugs. That was very disheartening. =( I thought this would last for a while. I did notice that once I stopped all the drugs I only made it about a week in a really healthy state. Then I would take the NSAIDs for one or two days and continue on. My heartrate has elevated back to its usual 83-85 resting rate, which is also disappointing.

Anyway, the meds don’t seem to be working now. I skipped yesterday’s pill because it was Ash Wednesday and I was fasting. That was probably my first mistake because I already knew I wasn’t feeling good. I ended up limping around all day and then this morning I couldn’t even lift my leg despite taking a pill last night with dinner. I took another this morning and I’m hoping that helps. I also had to take an advil though because it hurt to move. We’ll see how it ends up tonight. I have another appointment on the 22nd and I assume I’m going to say something along the lines of, “I’m back to exactly where I started…” and hope she has a new idea. I know she’s super worried about my BP but I can’t do much about that except up the dose.

So I was feeling terrible about all that this morning. It’s so damn frustrating not being able to move the way I want. To the point where I had a nice little cry before I went to take a shower.

Then I made the really awful mistake of reading old emails between TF and I. Without pb I’ve got nothing to read so I figured why not? Something to look back on and reminisce. I pulled up an exchange that happened a year ago in early February. It was a really long back-and-forth that I haven’t looked at since it happened. And I probably should have left it that way! Bad idea Rose!

Because it started with the day he called me out in the office in front of clients saying there was only one girl he wanted to date. Then fell apart into him saying my butt looked good, and my saying he needed to cut losses, and him taking my words as a challenge to continue to send semi-vulgar messages. He said I didn’t like him after I ignored three separate emails and I said the issue was that he didn’t really like me.

Looking back on it makes me so sad. I was so desperate for his attention, to connect with him. I wanted him so bad. I can’t believe I acted that way. I can’t believe I kept begging for him to notice me. And all he did was hurt my feelings. Over and over again and I kept letting him. What an idiot.

I guess I needed to look back on that right? To see what it really was so I don’t try to jump back into it again this time. Because I’m right on the edge of wanting him again. Of missing him so much that I’m willing to start over. And that’s so stupid. I feel so stupid and I can’t figure out how to change these feelings. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to make all of this go away?!

And I was in the middle of reading through all that and sitting in all that sadness when mom called Mexico and it turns out our uncle died this morning. He wasn’t doing well. They weren’t giving him long after they took him out of the hospital. As of this morning his wife still doesn’t know and she’s going to be devastated. I don’t think she’ll last long. He was such an amazing guy and I didn’t get to say good bye or even see him one last time. I hate that.

Now I feel even worse and I’m stuck in this terrible frame of mind. I haven’t had a day off in almost four weeks and all I want to do is go home, hide under my covers, and sob all the sadness away.

rose.
12:27pm

Last updated February 17, 2018