Depression. in Health and Fitness

I had to quit work a few years ago.

“You’re SO lucky!” they said.

“WOW you get to raise your kids!!” they said.

I’ve partially lived in shame - people ask me what I do, and I make excuses for why I’m home. Because, truth is, I feel like having a career is better than me.

Blah blah blah this isn’t about you, readers, I respect whatever anyone’s job is - whether you work outside or as a mom at home.

I’d say “I was a teacher for 7 years, and then when little one came along it got too much with daycare.” TRUTH. That was probably the biggest factor. But I feel like I’m making an excuse.

I’d say “yes, I’m home for right now.” For. Right. Now. I don’t know what I’m going to do when little one goes to kindergarten (it’s all day).

“You can go back to work! You going back to teaching?”

I usually say no, or sometimes I lie and say yes. Or I’ll launch into something that says I can do whatever career I want now - which is the truth. I AM lucky enough to choose that.

I am SO lucky my husband has a good enough job where I can choose again. AND - if I choose not to, I can choose that, too.

I’ve never felt like anyone shames me. I’ve only shamed myself.

(Well, the parents I don’t speak with anymore would shame me - they said “DON’T GET YOUR M-R-S DEGREE!” And years and years ago when I said perhaps I’ll stay home, my mom gave me this WTF look. As if it really impacted them anyhow. We don’t speak - on my very happy choice.)

I realized I’m bored. I seriously sit around. I do the minimum - I clean and do laundry and cook and whatever other basic chores there are. I work out, but lately that’s been falling apart. It’s February. Every February my life dwindles, no matter how I try to stay above. Then, in March, it magically reappears.

I sleep because I get bored.

Husband suggested volunteering at a nursing home. It lit me up. I would love to do that. The thoughts run through my head about calling and inquiring about it, what I’d do that’s probably not good enough, “I’ll do it later,” and other crap.

But I need to be up, out, socializing, using my muscles, laughing, and enjoying myself. I’m really bubbly by nature. With smiles for dayssssss. A ridiculous laugh that people sometimes make fun of, lol. I feel the joy inside. I just come alive.

Just gotta pick up that phone and make it happen. (X-Files reference, anyone?)