Tug of War in The Road Ahead

Well, I’m back at it again! The oldest grudge match in human history, Head vs. Heart. Although I can’t tell who is in which corner…

I’m oscillating between feeling like I’m worthy and deserving of love, that I’m a complete, good person with a lot to offer and feeling like a complete waste of flesh, a burden on the few people I trust and a totally worthless piece of shit, too weird to love and live. I’m sick to my stomach, which is riding in my throat, which is pushing on my tongue, which is smashed against clenched teeth. I’m shaking and it’s not from the cold, the van is warm and cozy in fact. I hate feeling like this.

And even as I’m writing this, being formerly gripped with fear and uncertainty, I’m swinging back with a perfunctory shrug towards my feelings. I’m glad I was able to write those feelings out. Sometimes I get really anxious and it’s hard to breathe. I feel like my world is crumbling in around me and I want to curl up in a hole and disappear. They eventually end, but that’s hard to remember in the moment when everything seems so dark and bleak. I even feel dumb posting this entry and putting my irrational thoughts on display, but I’m going to do it anyways. It’s a very real experience I go through and fighting myself is exhausting.

I’ve been getting a lot of comments on my voice lately, how radiophonic it is. Maybe I should try and do something with that? Time to do a little exploring!